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  #281  
Old 11-16-2013, 05:53 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Personally, I am in favor of ethical non-monogamy. The problem with the ideal "third" these couples want to "add" is that the box they want her to fit in is prescribed and confining. It's all about what they want. When they don't get what they want with this or that unwitting woman who "engages" with them, they say, "She just wasn't the right girl," and go on looking for Her, thinking if they just find Her, all will be well.
For the record I completely agree with you. That behaviour is not particularly nice, or even ethical. We all have different ways of pointing this out however.

It's up to the moderators I guess to decide if some the reactions given fall outwith the board guidelines.

Venting on the other hand is totally understandable
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  #282  
Old 11-16-2013, 09:08 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default On the label "unicorns"

I'm prepared to admit that my interpretation of "unicorn" as a self-applied label may have been overloaded with crap from "unicorn hunters," which I do not think is overloaded at all. There are couples who are interested in forming a triad-ish relationship with another woman, but are still open to "whatever happens happens." That, in my opinion, is not hunting for unicorns.

We all have our ideals. The secret to happiness, however, is knowing how much attachment to place on your ideals, and how much leeway to give them.

Compromise doesn't mean giving up on what you want and being miserable that you didn't get it all. Compromise means being satisfied, happy even, with what's actually possible.

As for the young women who come in as self-proclaimed unicorns, and then proceed to list all the ways unicorn hunting ruined their lives... well... duh. Hunters hunt. Prey gets hunted. I've never actually been hunting, but my understanding is that it's considered bad form to shoot an animal without actually finishing the job. There's a reason they aren't referred to as unicorn chasers or unicorn trappers.

In other words, it's one thing for someone to come in and just say "I like dating couples because _____." In some cases that might still be naive, but it can be forgiven as inexperience. But applying labels implies at least some amount of education on the lifestyle. And that means, you should know better.
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  #283  
Old 11-16-2013, 09:25 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default On educating "unicorn hunters"

For many couples interested in exploring polyamory, triad seeking is their first introduction. If it ends badly, that becomes their only experience. The instinct then is to blame "polyamory" and not to consider "maybe we just did it wrong." Yes, wrong. There are many ways to do polyamory. Most of them are just "different." But, like it or not, some of them are just wrong.

/begin digression on "doing it wrong"

If you're using people as sex toys, or disrespecting their autonomy, or treating them like possessions, or disregarding their needs because they are not the same as your needs, or dictating how they need to behave when they're not with you, or completely determining their role before you even met them... you're doing it wrong.

The only exception is D/s, where she is your submissive, you lay down your expectations in crystal clear detail, and she provides informed consent. In my experience, the vast majority of unicorn hunters are mortified if you imply that what they're seeking is more in line with a D/s lifestyle than vanilla polyamory.

/end digression on "doing it wrong"

Is coming on so strongly the best approach for education? Probably not. But the message needs to be sent. So many of these people will become relationship tornadoes, destroying all kinds of things in their path. And if they think that's "what polyamory is" then they'll make the obvious conclusion that "polyamory doesn't work."

Now that, in and of itself, doesn't matter to me. If someone experiments with something and it doesn't work and they vow never to do it again, no skin off my back.

But it doesn't stop there. They don't just say "wow, that didn't work, let's never do that again." They tell all their friends how much polyamory doesn't work, how awful it is, how much heartache it causes, and how we should all learn from their mistakes and never try it. They become champions for monogamy, that it's the only sensible relationship model. They become self-proclaimed experts on the awfulness of polyamory.

And that is where it matters to me. We have enough to deal with ignorance from the religious right and society at large without competing with people's failed experiments. Because those folks aren't speaking from the bible or from sociology or philosophy. They're speaking "from experience." People tend to respect and trust experience. Saying "I did this and it didn't work" carries much more weight than "I read about a situation where this didn't work."
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  #284  
Old 11-16-2013, 09:58 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It's a pet peeve of mine, these Unicorn Hunters
Just to clarify - what exactly is your pet peeve? The existence of 'Unicorn Hunters' or the fact that they come to this board looking for their 'Unicorn'?

If it's the former I'm not sure what can be done. If it's the latter I can imagine that there could any number of remedies.

For instance there could be an appointed 'Unicorn Hunter Reception Person' that could post a standard 'Unicorn Hunters Welcome and Warning Notice' that would contain relevant links etc. and encourage people to come back once they've read the articles.

I notice some posters do this already - but may it needs to be organised if it's such a problem?
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  #285  
Old 11-22-2013, 03:41 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Default for a totally different history...

http://io9.com/the-bizarre-history-o...rns-1466476905

Just thought I'd share that perhaps unicorns are oxen. Or something like that....
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  #286  
Old 11-23-2013, 03:10 AM
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ICanBeStunning ICanBeStunning is offline
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I stopped reading this around page 10 or 11 when the ridiculous hypotheticals started being brought up, so if someone covered this sorry.

I've been reading that the theoretical unicorn is an adult who too can deal with the consequences of ill fated liaisons with unicorn hunters. I wholeheartedly agree. However unicorn hunters seem to be the more visible party making them easier to target with the warnings about this style of dating.

Personally for me all these warnings helped me define myself as a single polyamorous woman. A few years ago I was barely out of my teens, and I idealized triads. The path of least resistance seemed to be to join an established couple. I encountered scores of couples looking for their HBB. Each had some absurd clause for the unicorn they hoped to catch. A large number of them "had experience" and if not for the woman moving out of state (or something along those lines), they would all be happily skipping around in poly bliss. In time it occurred to me that all these couples probably had it right; that I would have to either redefine myself to fit into their mold or give up my polyamorous identity altogether. Even other unicorns were saying that in these situations the couple's needs are greater than the unicorn's needs.

Posts clarifying what the couples were doing wrong and expressing how they could result in harm for all parties involved helped me understand what I found so unattractive about many of the ads I read. They helped me not feel crazy when I drifted away from yet another couple who wanted the impossible from me. I eventually learned that I didn't have to accept a thing that these people wanted. I'm glad it didn't think me a couple of heartbreaks and 50 pints of rocky road to learn to cope with this.

I agree that sometimes unicorns are presented as some poor victim. This may or may not be true depending on the situation. They also don't usually post ads so it's probably easy to paint them/see them that way. I'm sure they can manage themselves, but I'm sure it's nice to have this information available to them should they need it. This is a different style of loving and frankly there aren't enough examples on how to do it healthily. Just because they're not the focus, doesn't mean it's not helpful to them. It certainly helped me.
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  #287  
Old 11-23-2013, 11:06 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ICanBeStunning View Post
Personally for me all these warnings helped me define myself as a single polyamorous woman.
Thank you for writing this it is a unique pov.


Quote:

Even other unicorns were saying that in these situations the couple's needs are greater than the unicorn's needs.
I have seen that quite a few times from women, they say that they respect their partners marriage SO much and know that "it comes first", they "know" they are secondary because they are "new" but still there are problems with the 'thirds' needs being met and some parity in the relationship.
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  #288  
Old 11-30-2013, 03:40 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
To my surprise, she blew up at me: "How dare you tell me what to do! I really want to finish this conversation!"
This analogy would fit better to the "treatment" discussion if the person walking toward the manhole was talking to YOU on the phone at the time; instead of the warning party being some random stranger giving unsolicited input.

The people who come to these boards looking for advice have come to a public discussion forum where there is presumably a bank of wisdom they can tap into. They give some info about their situation, about their goals, and then ask what the other members have to offer. THEN they are given the warning about the manhole and told some other truths they very often don't care to hear and yell their "how dare you"s.

It would be difficult to express how little I care about how people arrange their love lives. I only offer my input here because I find the academic discussion of interpersonal relating interesting, and this is an appropriate place to vet my thoughts.
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Last edited by Marcus; 11-30-2013 at 03:42 AM.
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  #289  
Old 12-10-2013, 08:31 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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This ties in with a writing project I'm working on right now. It's about threesomes, and of course, "unicorn hunting," etc., is something I'm going to talk about, inspired by this discussion thread--THANK YOU EVERYONE!

If any of you would be willing to pm me about your particular experience being a woman who has dated or joined an already established couple (as a couple,) or you were a part of a couple who sought out a bisexual woman to join you, I'd really love to be able to quote you. I'm interested in explaining why the "couple seeking biwoman" fantasy is so hard to make a reality, and why it works when it works or doesn't when it doesn't....

I hope a couple of you will take a second to write me about your experience in your own words, or I'll ask you a few questions if you prefer. You will, of course, remain anonymous. I promise the piece is respectful, poly-friendly, and not (overly) salacious. Thanks again for the food for thought!
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  #290  
Old 02-05-2014, 02:20 AM
Looking Looking is offline
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Red face This might be our unicorn

So I am a married man, married to a wonderful woman. We've been together nearly ten years. We have discussed poly in the terms of a closed triad. We even discussed the possibility of one of our close friend, but only to together.

So about our friend, she is awesome! She's very independent, owns her own home and has a nice career. She is beautiful enough to a successful model, if she ever desired. But she is lonely. Most guys just want her for her body or to be their trophy. About a month ago she had a child. The father is not in the picture at all. Likely doesn't even about the child. (NOTE: she has very reasonable reasons for him not to know). So, of course, we have discussed her being out "unicorn".

We haven't said anything to her this though, mainly due to timing. She just had a child and is still a new mother.

Anyways, we went to her Super Bowl party. We had a great time, talked for hours. During our talks, she said something that surprised the hell out of us. During talking about the down side of being a single mother, she said "I think the three of us should get together and live one of those poly lifestyles". With the tone she used it wasn't clear if she was joking or completely honest. That's when I put it all on the line. I replied that B(wife) and I had been thinking about a triad relationship a lot and that she was always on top of the list of candidates.

She wasn't at all surprised by that and quickly responded that she has been thinking of being with us for sometime. She then, mentioned all the perks a triad relationship would offer. After that other people came in and the subject changed.

Over the last few days, we have talked you her some about it. B and I are ready to start "courting" her, but we are really lost on how to do that. I mean, do we call and ask her to dinner. Perhaps, Randomly send her flowers, or maybe offer her a night of relaxation, with us cooking for her.

We are open to any advice offered.

Last edited by Looking; 02-05-2014 at 02:45 AM.
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