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Old 04-01-2010, 07:47 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 374
Post New to this and dealing with jealousy

Hello - my name is Kat and my husband and I are new to polyamory.

It hasn't been an easy year - here is how we got into polyamory.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together for 19. A few years ago - we got into mild swinging. We both enjoyed it and had no jealous feelings. Last April, a married woman he works with came on to him. He immediately told me and we talked about it alot. He was a little curious and interested. I felt safe because she was married, had children and I knew that he was committed to me fully. I reluctantly gave him permission to have sex with her. The reluctance came from the fact that they worked together and I was afraid of where this might lead. We all thought at the time that it would be one or two times.

Well a few months later - they fell in love - fast and hard. I had an extremely hard time when he told me, and we have had many, many months of ups and downs - all because of my struggling to accept this. He loves me, is committed to me and our family and in no way wants to leave me. He has made that perfectly clear to me and to the girlfriend. I do not have any doubts about this. We have always been honest with each other and that hasn't changed. He always tells me when he is going out with her (in fact they are on an overnight date tonight.) He has been extremely patient, understanding, comforting and has taken things slowly. Due to family, work and personal obligations, they do not get to see each other that often, maybe once a week, and at work.

Her and I have tried to become friends or at least friendly with each other. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn't. She is a very nice person - but resentments do come up. The situation between her and her husband has changed somewhat in the last year. He knows she is in love with someone else, but does not want to know any details. They are staying married because of their children. On two occasions, the three of us had sex - which I arranged it each time. Then days later, I would have a meltdown. I love seeing my husband have sex with another woman, it's just really hard to see him having sex with someone he loves.

At times I don't think that I can handle this - that it is too painful. At other times, like today, I am perfectly ok with it. We are both seeing a counselor and trying to work through this. Divorce is not an option. We are fully committed to each other, our family and to trying to make this work.

I just don't know how to ease the jealousy, fear, envy, insecurity and anger that I feel. Sometimes it is overwhelming. We have never fought as much as we have this past year - but at the same time, this has also brought us much closer together and has made us realize how in love we are.

I just started reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and I also have Jenny Block's Open. Any other suggestions for learning to accept that this is what my husband needs in his life. I am free to find someone as well, I just haven't - yet.

I am very sorry that this is so long - I hope that I explained this well enough. If not, I am happy to clear anything up.

Sorry again - and thank you.

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