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  #121  
Old 12-10-2013, 02:50 PM
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Yeah, I know. Lots of guys aren't into daily contact, so those are the guys that I don't date. I am clear up front what I am looking for in a relationship, and to me, I need that contact. B knows this - especially since we had a discussion about the fact that he disappeared for an entire week without a single word as to why. He didn't owe me anything at that point - hell, we had one date - but it was disconcerting that it happened. He was adamant that he did still want to see me and made an effort to show me he was wanting to continue.

B told me he wants a girlfriend that he can see more than once a week, but so far his work schedule seems to be impeding that goal. I also want more than once a week - it's a requirement for me at this point - so if he isn't going to be able to make time, then I am going to have to step back and reevaluate.

That sounds harsh, but being poly with M has really brought my needs and desires into focus for me. I want someone I can see frequently. If they can't give me what I need, then I absolutely do not want to get emotionally invested in them, period. It is just too difficult.

One thing that I like about A is that we have never had this conversation, yet he has maintained the daily contact. It isn't pages and pages of emails, but it is short, sweet texts that let me know he was thinking of me, for whatever reason. That has kept him fresh in my mind - right now he's hitting all my triggers that are relationship-related and coming out looking awesome.

Right now, I am not ready to write off B. If he messages me in the next couple of days and we set up a date, great. He isn't going to get a bunch of pouts and complaints from me. We aren't committed to each other and he is free to communicate or not. But I am certainly taking notice of what he is/isn't providing and how my emotional state is because of that. Right now, he has me disappointed, because I didn't hear from him (not angry or upset). I am also anxious because it is a flag for me that maybe he is going to disappear again, but I am not anxious to the point where I am crying in bed or anything. lol Maybe anxious is the wrong word? Aware? Alert?
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  #122  
Old 12-10-2013, 03:21 PM
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I'm a guy that likes/needs that daily communication to feel connected to someone I'm seeing. Something I've learned about myself fairly recently.
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  #123  
Old 12-11-2013, 04:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
I'm a guy that likes/needs that daily communication to feel connected to someone I'm seeing. Something I've learned about myself fairly recently.
Its nice to hear that. For me a daily "hi" is sufficient but nothing for days can be disconcerting when a relationship is just forming.
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  #124  
Old 12-11-2013, 04:52 AM
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Maybe it is my own prejudice. I would feel completely trapped and overly pressured if anyone wanted or expected daily contact from me. I'd probably run screaming in the other direction, LOL. But I just thought I'd mention it in case he is like me in that regard. I don't think a relationship is necessarily doomed if there is a big difference in how or if certain needs being met. If there are a lot of really great things about somebody and you click on a lot of other levels, one area that disappoints you can just be an indicator of where and how some inner growth and self-awareness can be nurtured., ie., finding ways not to give in to that disappointment, re-examining our belief systems that are behind such needs, and so on. I've always considered relationships to be valuable learning experiences, so if I were in your shoes I'd look at the situation and say, "Hmmm, I wanna be in touch every day, but he doesn't. That is a challenge to me. What can I learn from this?"
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  #125  
Old 12-11-2013, 01:36 PM
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Indie - I appreciate your comments. it does get me thinking about what I am ultimately looking for, and I like reading other perspectives. So, thanks!

Well, B didn't respond to my invitation out at all on Monday, and I got nothing but silence yesterday. This morning I sent him a short, hey, am I going to see you this week? Message. He knows I am going out of town on Sunday. We will see. That's the last message I will be sending him for a while.

My OKC inbox has been blowing up this week and I am actually feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of the emails. I have at least two I will continue contact with for sure and go on a date with after Christmas, if they stick around. (I am booked this week, headed to NY the following week) Both are mono though.

I am in a good mood today because it's Wednesday, and that means M! So excited to kiss him and hug him and be with him. Unfortunately one of the chemistry classes I teach 3 times a week had to be rescheduled to this morning due to snow, so I have to put off seeing M until the afternoon. I am also hoping to go get a haircut before driving to pick him up. The anticipation I feel is just that much greater though. I am feeling very, very squee - a big shot of NRE for me today!

I am also feeling flutters about seeing A tomorrow night.
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  #126  
Old 12-13-2013, 01:16 PM
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Well, B wrote me back and we had a good conversation. He messaged me again last night, near the tail end of my date with A. It doesn't seem that I will be seeing him at all before I head off to NY. I am disappointed, but glad he is keeping in contact. When I get back, we are going to have to have a discussion - I have been really clear about wanting a relationship where I am spending actual face time with my guy, and so far he is failing miserably at providing any. It is difficult because I get the feeling he really wants to see me, but his life is not orderly at the moment. I am not really inclined to wait around for it to shake out, but I am willing to wait for the holidays to pass and then we can take a look at where things are at.

My date with A went ok. This was our second date - there's been a significant gap because of holiday event scheduling and horrid weather. We ended up meeting early - he messaged me saying he was free, so we met at the bar in a BrewHouse restaurant in town at 4:30. He was actually a bit different than I remembered. He didn't look as young to me - his hair was a bit unruly and long, and he hadn't shaved, so his goatee was the same but he had scruff on his cheeks. He was actually very cute and I didn't sit there thinking about how he looked 12 like the previous time. I don't know how those 2 things changed my entire perspective, but they did. I actually liked his hair very much, and a few times I caught myself thinking about running my hands through it and pulling on it. Heh

We were at the bar for a while, and we had really good conversation. He had brought a couple of 2-person board games and we played one called Quattro. It was fun, and it was enjoyable because it was all strategy-based and it showed off how intelligent he was - you could see that right away in the way that he played. I managed to beat him a few times, so I can only hope he thought the same!

We then moved to the restaurant and had dinner. Again, great conversation. We ended up staying until 10:30, and the restaurant closed at 10. Doh! He walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight - twice. It was a little awkward because he is shorter than me (5'6" vs 5'9") and also he was trying to hold it longer than I had expected, and then followed it up with the second as I was pulling back. Lol it wasn't fumbling or terrible, but it was slightly awkward. What I liked afterward was how he had this big boyish grin on his face and both of us were stammering out how we wanted to see each other again soon. I told him that I really appreciated how he had been texting me little things each day, because it really set him apart from other guys on OKC and his smile seemed to split his head in two.

He messaged me after I got home saying he really had a good time, and when I responded favorably, he said that he would have liked to try that kiss again. I would like him to - one thing that I did pick up on - his lips were really soft and there was a TON of passion behind that kiss. It was unexpected.

I didn't feel overwhelming lust or attraction, but I am all goofy thinking about him as I write this. It has been a slow build, which is so very different than I am used to experiencing. I will see him again and would like to see how this continues.

Oh! Wednesday night and Thursday morning with M were absolutely great. We weren't intimate, but we snuggled lots and had really good discussions. He told me that he likes talking stuff through with me. Gosh, I love him lots! I am going to have difficulties not seeing him until next Wednesday, but well, NY.

I am going to call the doctor this morning and make an appointment for STD testing in early January. I am going nuts not having had penetrative sex with anyone since I was intimate with B. My husband said he would be ok with it, but I don't want to risk passing anything to him. I really believe I am clean, but still.

Tonight I am going to an 80s themed party hosted by a friend. My husband has choral practice, B has his son, and of course I can't even ask M. I am thinking about messaging A and see if he would be interested in going as my date. I would also be ok with going alone, but it would be nice to have someone with me. I am excited about my outfit - I have flowered leggings, leg warmers, a big hair bow and a grey sweatshirt that I am going to cut the collar out of later today.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 12-13-2013 at 01:20 PM.
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  #127  
Old 12-14-2013, 05:09 AM
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Just got home from the 80s party. Had a fantastic time. D's chorale practice was cancelled, so last minute he came along. I wasn't sure if we was actually going to go, because he usually stays home from parties, but my friends have an arcade. Lol So, he went.

I met some cool new people. My friend who was hosting the party actually didn't know I was poly, but everyone else did so it kinda came out. It was a topic for a short while, and then became a joke. Well, lots of things did as the night went on, so it was just good fun.

About an hour ago, A messaged me and I sent him a pic of me in my costume/getup as requested. He is really a great guy. He certainly makes me feel desirable, and desired. That's one thing that none of my guys are able to do for me right now from afar - only when I am with them in person. A just has a way of making me feel connected to him, and that I have his attention, and that he wants me. In everything he sends, he exudes enthusiasm over talking to me. With B, well, he hardly contacts me. D does, but mostly it's mundane household stuff. M usually makes me feel like I am bothering him - even if I'm not. But A - he is involved and enthusiastic and it makes me feel good.

We have another date set up - the Sunday before Christmas. Neither of us have time before then, unfortunately. That's ok though. I find this process interesting. Still no huge bolt of lightening to the crotch, but I am liking the build up.

OMG I am exhausted.
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  #128  
Old 12-16-2013, 03:01 PM
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Writing from Upstate NY!

Saturday night I didn't get to bed until very late, because A and I were messaging back and forth so much. We had a very blunt discussion about what I am expecting from a sexual relationship - and what he needs to do to get to that point with me. Meaning, lots of talk about STD testing, condoms, birth control and scheduling concerns. It was a very positive conversation, I think. He asked lots of questions and made sure he was clear on each point. He shared a lot of emotionally charged things with me, about himself, and I appreciated the vulnerability he showed. I felt good that he trusted me with some of the info.

Overall, two thumbs up!

I have yet to call the doctor and set up an appointment for my testing. I am going to make that a must-do today.

Talked to M a little bit last night, he hadn't done well at the Warma tournament and was a little down about it. I also talked to A as well, but he was very upbeat and silly. I am looking forward to seeing both of them when I get back. No contact from B at all, but not surprised.
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  #129  
Old 12-17-2013, 07:14 PM
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Told one of my high school friends about me being poly last night. He was surprised, but cool about it. I was vacillating about whether to share or not then just went for it. He told me his brother is in one too. Heh

Feeling out of sorts. Got my period today, so that always makes me more emotional. At least I recognize that it makes me a bit crazy. I am missing M so bad right now. It will be a week since I have seen him. It is nuts to me that I became poly because I couldn't deal with being apart from my husband for that long of a period and wanted company, and now here I am with the same time frame with my boyfriend, every single week it feels like. It is really, really hard for me. It is honestly something that is getting more and more difficult. He told me he wanted to do polyfi and for me to feel like a primary, but I can honestly say as long as there is this gap every week, I will never feel that way. I just feel depressed when I think of our relationship stagnating because of a lack of physical connection. I want it really bad - poly was supposed to be about connection, but my relationship with M seems to just be all about disconnection. Proly tomorrow when I finally see him, I will feel different, but right now I am just feeling down.

That said, I am about to go see my best friend! I haven't seen her in a few months and I am hoping being huggy with her will help my mood. She is so bouncy lately because she is getting a divorce and is dating someone new for the first time in like 20 years. Her enthusiasm should help pull me out of this funk I am in at the moment.
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  #130  
Old 12-20-2013, 02:11 PM
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Glad to be back home in Maryland!

I had an emotional visit with M on Wednesday. I was so stressed out on Tuesday because we realized that we can't get together the next two Wednesdays, because they are holidays. I offered him my schedule, with lots of availability, and he was iffy on a lot of it. He said he would talk with H and work out a schedule. Unfortunately, he came to me on Wednesday with zero work done, which did not help my anxiety AT ALL.

M actually had me in tears during the afternoon. Tuesday I had been anxious about scheduling, but on Wednesday I set out on my drive home feeling very upbeat and positive about seeing him. I was really focused on making it home in time to pick him up, even though we normally connect in the morning, and there was no way with such a long drive I would make it there prior to 4 pm. As the drive progressed, I was unsure if I would be in the frame of mind as to whether I would need a break to stop home and shower first, or just be gung-ho to keep going and go grab him. We were texting and he told me why was I even bothering because it would just be for a few hours anyway.

Yeah, feelings hurt! I couldn't believe he said that. Especially since I was already stressed about possibly not seeing him over the holidays, to just skip this week too?! This exchange and thought did not make me feel safe, secure or loved AT ALL. And then, when I did get there and picked him up, to find out that he still had no idea when I would be seeing him again, I just felt very dismissed and marginalized. I told him how all of this was synergizing together to making me feel discounted. He told me that I was a priority, and always am. That made me feel a lot better, but of course after the fact, I am now questioning that statement. I guess we will see how things shake out over the next two weeks - how much time he does make for me.

It just feels like I absolutely do make him a priority and make lots of time for him, and though he says he will do/does the same, it doesn't often materialize. Which is why my relationship just feels very sad on my end, a great deal of the time.

All that said, it was a nice visit. He tried to get me to open my Christmas presents, but I refused to do it so early. He did have me open a Tshirt - What does the fox say?! and I let him open the shirt I had bought him. We wore our new stuff to trivia that night. We were part of a white elephant gift swap after, and that was fun.

We are both invited to a fancier Christmas party Saturday night, which I thought would be a good thing, because we could see each other then, have a sleepover, and then maybe connect the following Thursday or Saturday, to kinda work around the holiday Wednesday. He said he wasn't interested in the party and so I wouldn't be seeing him. So, yeah. I didn't hear from him last night about the schedule, and nothing yet today.

I got invited to a cocktail party with a bunch of my friends tonight so I am now going to go to that and try not to think about him maybe choosing to not see me over the next couple of weeks.

I have a date with A on Sunday to go see the new Hobbit movie. I have kinda held off on deciding whether that will be a lunch or dinner date, because I am trying to keep time available for M. Hopefully he gets back to me soon with a schedule, so I can cement my own!

Oh, and I am slightly worried about A getting me a Christmas gift. It seems a little early on in our relationship to do that, but you never know. I am going to put together a 4-pack of my husbands homebrew in case he does give me something, so I will be prepared to gift back! A is a microbrew lover, so it seems appropriate. D's winter warmer is rumored to be delicious! Lol
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