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  #21  
Old 12-09-2013, 02:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think the simplest way to avoid getting/staying involved with a cheater is to reflect on the fact that they're lying to the person they're supposed to love most in the world, so of course they're going to lie to you too, sooner or later. What makes you so much more special than the person that they've committed their life to, that they'd lie to that person but never to you? Nothing, that's what.

Sure, they may seem honest and open in extreme. But you're dealing with someone who is extremely well versed in hiding things, as they do it every single day. Every single day they look their partner in the face and act like everything's fine. Can you trust a habitual liar to, say, ve honesty with you about their STI status? I wouldn't count on it. So why put yourself in harm's way?

Until such time as a cheater has come clean about that behavior to the person they were hurting, sworn it off, and lived a lie-free life for at least some amount of time, I wouldn't consider them a safe person to get involved with.
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  #22  
Old 12-09-2013, 04:37 PM
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On one level, it is inexplicable to me that cheating is better tolerated than ethical non-monogamy. I don't understand that at a deep level
.

Because I think people can empathise with the restrictions of a monogamous relationship. Especially if you aren't as compatible as you should be, particularly in the bedroom. They can understand why a young woman might have a Sugar Daddy type affair with a married man. Also, people understand you holding out to replace someone else in a monogamous relationship. They dont understand not wanting to replace or displace. They can't understand being openly okay with sharing though some might be okay with nobody officially knowing you share.
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  #23  
Old 12-09-2013, 11:18 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
That's not quite what I mean...what I mean is how to you avoid the temptation to get involved if you like the person. And do have women on here had a lot of married guys come onto them via cupid or craiglist? How do you find potential dates that are single or poly? Also, can you ever be friends with someone you cheated with?
I'm never tempted. I don't care how much I like a person, I don't like drama and bullshit AND I HATE BEING LIED TO.

As someone who has cheated; when someone is willing to make an excuse for why it's ok to lie (which is what cheating is); they are willing to make excuseS for lying. So it's only a matter of time before they lie to me. I don't care if they are lying about what their favorite color is, who they are sleeping with or what their phone number is.
I don't do lying.
I would MUCH MUCH rather someone tell me things I won't like than lie to me. So when I know someone is lying, I am not interested. Not at all.
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  #24  
Old 12-09-2013, 11:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I think the simplest way to avoid getting/staying involved with a cheater is to reflect on the fact that they're lying to the person they're supposed to love most in the world, so of course they're going to lie to you too, sooner or later. What makes you so much more special than the person that they've committed their life to, that they'd lie to that person but never to you? Nothing, that's what.

Sure, they may seem honest and open in extreme. But you're dealing with someone who is extremely well versed in hiding things, as they do it every single day. Every single day they look their partner in the face and act like everything's fine. Can you trust a habitual liar to, say, ve honesty with you about their STI status? I wouldn't count on it. So why put yourself in harm's way?

Until such time as a cheater has come clean about that behavior to the person they were hurting, sworn it off, and lived a lie-free life for at least some amount of time, I wouldn't consider them a safe person to get involved with.
Exactly. I have 4 years and 3 months "clean" from that self-destructive (and other person destructive) behavior pattern. It was a lot of work.
I completely agree with PRECISELY what you said here!
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  #25  
Old 12-10-2013, 02:09 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Why did I fall for this person?

Empathy. We both needed someone at the moment. We had common problems. We were attracted to each other and not to our spouses. We shared the same interests and sense of humor. There was some sort of connection that felt real. The still feels very real. But, as I said, he was lying about lots of stuff, not particularly about his relationship with wife or other stuff, but the fact that he had looked for others when "with" me and had before and probably will again. When I tried to address this as just a friend, he shut me out.

I know he is deeply unhappy. I just hope one day, even if I never see him again, he becomes honest to all those around him. He doesn't even show his true self with his friends. I hope this for his sake, more even than his wife's or my own, because he IS unhappy.

How do we distinguish between truly falling in love with someone and having a connection versus trying to resolve issues from our childhood or acting on weaknesses or just getting certain needs met? Maybe these things are idestinguishable. I tend to stay in very long term friendships and relationships and it takes years to figure out my relationship with any one person.
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  #26  
Old 12-10-2013, 06:50 AM
london london is offline
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@LR Did you used to lie to your boyfriend too?
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  #27  
Old 12-10-2013, 06:20 PM
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Garriguette Garriguette is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
On one level, it is inexplicable to me that cheating is better tolerated than ethical non-monogamy. I don't understand that at a deep level.
I read an article recently in which researcher Eric Anderson interviewed a number of college-aged men who were in ostensibly monogamous heterosexual relationships of at least 2 years' duration (past the NRE stage). Almost all of the interviewees expressed a desire to have sex with people other than their partners. Roughly half of the interviewees acted on that desire at some point during the study. (The stronger the expressed desire for sex outside the relationship, the likelier the interviewee was to act on it.)

Anderson asked a number of men, "Why don't you tell your girlfriend you'd like to have an open relationship in which you can both have sex with other people?"

The most common responses were: "She'd dump me" and "I'm not okay with my girlfriend sleeping with someone else." For them, ostensible monogamy plus cheating gave them the benefits of a (perceived) secure long-term relationship and sexual variety, without having to address either the sexual double standards they held or the doubt they had about how they'd compare to a metamour.

To me, the most interesting response was contained in the title of the article: " 'At least with cheating there is an attempt at monogamy': Cheating and monogamism among undergraduate heterosexual men."

I think that there are probably people who would rather see their partners try (but fail at) monogamy than try (and succeed at) non-monogamy.

My first reaction to the article, though, was to be grateful to Xicot for being honest with me about what he wants, because it's more important to me that he be able to speak honestly to me than that our relationship stay in the configuration we initially intended it to have.
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  #28  
Old 12-10-2013, 06:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by garriguette View Post

my first reaction to the article, though, was to be grateful to xicot for being honest with me about what he wants, because it's more important to me that he be able to speak honestly to me than that our relationship stay in the configuration we initially intended it to have.
this.
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  #29  
Old 12-10-2013, 06:50 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I think part of my issue is that I'm not really polyamorous in a sense. I am in a marriage with someone I love deeply and have a wonderful life with, but I'm not sexually attracted to him nor do I have romantic feelings for him. I laugh when I think of having more partners! I can't barely stand one!

What I am after is the French-ish notion of a lover. Someone who I feel passion sexuality, and yes, longing for. Since I want to avoid domesticity at all costs and longing is a huge key in "being in love" for me, I tend to fall for men who are somewhat unavailable - i.e. cheating, or young, or live across country. I have put a lot of thought into whether I could have all these feelings in one person , i.e. my husband or a different husband. I don't know. I don't have the answer.

However falling in love with someone cheating was pretty awful. Because of my disability, my therapist argued that being a secret was the worst thing humanly possible for me. I, myself, hated being lied to. My friend drove me to do a lot unwholesome behaviors - lie myself and so on. Mostly, it was just painful to love someone who was suffering so much. This was largely an emotional affair, not sexual.
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  #30  
Old 12-10-2013, 07:37 PM
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I met someone this weekend who described himself as very happily married to a gorgeous woman. They have a one year old. He told me he would love to be poly, but his wife would never let him. He said he is determined to be faithful and never cheat, until he does. "Because, let's face it, I don't really want to be a cheater but it will happen when it is going to happen. I am faithful until the time arises when I am not."

I was like, okaaaay.
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