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Old 12-06-2013, 04:44 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221

Thank you so much for the empathy and advice.

This guy was my second in my poly adventures. My first was a 2 year brought relationship with a young guy who really want to be mono and therefore, had a lot of resentment toward me. I fell for my married guy because in the beginning he was SO emotionally available. He emailed constantly and communicated well. The "sex" was great, but short -lived.

I have met some of his friends. The truth is that he is hiding his real self and emotions from everyone. Obviously, he somehow wants to stop that behavior because he chose ME - someone very open and emotional, but when it go too intense he backed off (even as friends).

You are totally right through, if I talk to him, I am enabling him in a sense. I hope he figures it out. I sure love him, and I'm worth it!
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Old 12-06-2013, 05:32 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I know you, bofish, enjoy casual hook ups like me. Quite spontaneous ones. It's very hard to have a spontaneous hook ups if you are going to insist on verifying with their partner whether they are allowed to bang you. You need to decide whether fucking a cheater is so horrific that you will sacrifice casual sex in case you stumble across one.

What I decided for myself was that if someone took my fancy and they didn't scream cheater at me, I would bang them/date them. When and if I discovered they are a cheater, I would abandon all relations. It's far too much hard work to verify everyone's story and I believe in trusting people until they prove otherwise. I don't feel stupid when I'm let down. It's usually them who did something wrong, not me.

Cheaters do approach me and are usually honest about their situation. Some people just make me feel queasy. They may present as poly, but maybe what puts me off is the fact that they are lying about that. I don't know. I don't confront them, I just don't reply or retaliate to their advances.
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Old 12-07-2013, 12:36 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Sometimes being a friend - a real friend - means not talking to that person. It seems that you are being a friend by removing yourself so he can make the choice to deal with his shit. Of course, he may not. But that is not your problem. You've done what you can do ethically for yourself and for him. Hopefully he gets himself together and resolves his marriage problems and at that point, talking to him may be possible again. I hope so. I've had to do this with friendships and it's always sad. I've grieved the loss of contact. But you are being his friend even if there is no contact.

I had to do this once with a friendship...I found out that a friend that I was close to in high school was systematically lying to me about everything in her life while I was away at college. I cut all ties. A few years later she did try to contact me again - she apologized and, although I chose not to respond to her, I hope she is a happier and more honest person now.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 12-07-2013, 01:35 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Talk.to their partners first? I'm surprised how many people n has been with who have never talked.to me I'm.like.don't they worry you're a cheater. On the flip side n has questioned later if a couple of his lovers were cheating
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Old 12-07-2013, 08:05 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Location: Seattle-ish
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I don't get tempted, and think it's interesting that people do (not judging, just forget sometimes people experience so many different experiences). My dad cheated on my mom constantly, and my ex husband cheated on me, I'd never wish that on anybody, and I dont think my nether regions could get wet for somebody who was so dysfunctional they were willing to hurt somebody for sex. That said, I'm tempted by, and turned on by, honesty. I let that be more important than anything else, and it always makes non ethical behavior a turn off for me.

I'll also add that my first husband was faithful for 12 years, then cheated on me after we decided to be nonmonogamous. There are lots of likeable people, but does anybody really reconcile the term "likeable cheater?" You can be friends with somebody you cheated with, but their partners probably wont welcome that friendship, and nobody really wins. I find dates among people who are openly poly, either on OKC or others in poly groups, or metamours.

I don't know, out of curiosity why would you really like somebody who is cheating on or hurting another partner enough to have to pose this question to yourself? Especially when there are so many attractive and interesting human beings out there in the world.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 12-07-2013 at 08:24 AM.
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Old 12-08-2013, 01:17 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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I dated a couple guys who were cheaters or DADT guys, back when I was first single and figuring dating and poly out.

One sort of put off telling his wife, even though they were poly. One had a mentally ill and non sexual wife. One had a wife who was just nearly asexual but wouldnt agree to letting him get his needs met elsewhere.

I dont talk to the first guy anymore, because she put her foot down, all he could do was have casual sex with other men. She could have bfs and so could he, and that was that. Bleh.

2nd guy, he sure didnt just want sex. He really needed close and healing human contact, as well as sex. But he was always guilt ridden and I got tired of his situation. Good news is that, once we stopped seeing each other, he and his wife did open the relationship. He now has a gf and a bf. He's been sniffing around me too, but I am no longer interested.

3rd guy finally worked some things out with his wife. Somehow she ignited her libido to an extent, they are more intimate now, still not open. He seems fairly content.

So, since my earlier days in poly, I only date poly people, preferably experienced ones. Cheaters hold no attraction for me. I need people who have the jealousy thing worked out, if not perfectly, at least handled with a minimum of fuss. They also have a handle on NRE and time sharing and sexual/kink matters.

Lately, I am not really dating much. I have 2 partners who meet my criteria, just by being very choosy and not settling for less.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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Old 12-08-2013, 07:28 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Talk.to their partners first? I'm surprised how many people n has been with who have never talked.to me I'm.like.don't they worry you're a cheater. On the flip side n has questioned later if a couple of his lovers were cheating
Maybe because N seems like a nice person and they know starting a relationship with someone where you check if they are lying sets a bad precedent.
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Old 12-09-2013, 02:11 AM
Dana Dana is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 46

Having been on the receiving end of said behavior serves as all the deterrent I need. I don't ever want to have a role in somebody else feeling that way. The bigger trouble for me is finding partners who feel similarly. Most people seem okay being with "cheaters" and I think that sort can be toxic to the entire system. I like knowing my partner's other partners and spending time with them. But, this is the exception.

Temptation still happens. I really have to have a head/heart conversation with myself when it does to keep from making a poor choice. It takes effort and vigilance. And practice.

Last edited by Dana; 12-09-2013 at 02:16 AM.
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Old 12-09-2013, 02:42 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,182

Originally Posted by Dana View Post
The bigger trouble for me is finding partners who feel similarly. Most people seem okay being with "cheaters" and I think that sort can be toxic to the entire system.
On one level, it is inexplicable to me that cheating is better tolerated than ethical non-monogamy. I don't understand that at a deep level.

Intellectually I get that cheating is part of the mainstream while poly, open, or swinging challenges the mainstream. Everyone (broadly speaking) understands cheating - they may not condone it but they understand. There isn't the painful wrapping one's mind around poly. And I feel it is easier than ethical non-monogamy, definitely in short term and maybe long term for some people who are good at keeping secrets. It's less work personally. You don't have to fundamentally change and grow to cheat.

I don't know. Cheating seems like so much work to me - easier for me to be open and honest.


I also enjoy more casual sex - although it's been a while. I pay attention to my instincts when assessing people. If something seems off, it probably is and I decide accordingly. But, really, most of the time cheaters are pretty up front about it. After all, you're not the person they need to lie to! I'm just not that worried about 'Oops! I slept with a cheater!' I would stop, and tell them why and move on with my life. With Oilman (an former FWB), I slept with someone who was fine sleeping with cheaters. But he wasn't cheating with me on someone else. So I suppose that's as close as I got. It bothered me he was ok with that. But he's an adult and made his own choices. If we had been more than FWBs, it would have been an issue. I don't want a partner who is ok with sleeping with people who are cheating. But a fuckbuddy? Well, it worked for a while.
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Old 12-09-2013, 08:30 AM
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ICanBeStunning ICanBeStunning is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NYC
Posts: 46

I think if you want to avoid cheaters, you have to be ready to let them go when you find out they're cheating. My ethics matter to me, but I refuse to run a full background check on everyone I'm interested in. I refuse to do DADT, and if we're only meeting at night under a certain bridge wearing disguises, be prepared to be shown the door. Once might be kinky, but twice it's just weird. I know that some cheaters are brazen and lead double lives. I suspect they'd either feel kinship or jealously/possessiveness finding out I'm poly. If I'm not clever enough to recognize it when it starts, I hope I'm strong enough to end it when I need to.

Over the summer I started speaking to this guy who assured me he was poly. We talked on a daily basis. Initially he told me he had a girlfriend and that they'd recently broken up, and I told him I was casually seeing two people. Through a third party I learned that the breakup only lasted about two weeks [girlfriend of two years]. We started talking right around the breakup, and continued for 2+ months. I ended communication immediately. To me it sets a pattern that I really don't want to see continued.

I suspect that my favorite mister was cheating on his wife for the greater part of our relationship. He told me almost everything, and told her nothing. The idea was that she didn't want to know. We used to meet up in their house sometimes, but in time I learned that she never knew I was there. When I finally met her 3 years into our relationship things started to crumble a bit. We let some things slip out that she didn't know about, and she flipped. I honestly don't know if she was OK with it because I never saw them again. Months after that last meeting I ended the relationship because it was causing me too much grief. I don't know if he was cheating, and I'm in no mood find out. My only crime was being too naive back then.

Edit: I should add that it really isn't as black and white as my response implies with my favorite mister. He's still one of the best people I've known. If he cheated, I understand but I'm no means do I condone it.
Bisexual woman in my 20s. Solo and dating.
I have a play partner Kanga

Last edited by ICanBeStunning; 12-09-2013 at 09:36 AM. Reason: edit to fix leading post
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