Losing faith in polyamory

[lisbeth]

It's tough to find compatible people. Keep in mind you're not alone! It's true for all "minority" or "non-mainstream" groups, I think, not just for poly or bi/les women. For example I have a straight friend who's looking to meet a nice Jewish guy and she's actually considering moving to New York City to increase her dating pool.

Since you're already in the epi-center of the Free-Love movement, relocating probably won't increase your chances but maybe you could make other changes in your life to help connect with and attract the kind of people you want to meet. Or if you've already tried that... well you know what they say.... "If all else fails, lower your expectations!" (yes I have followed that advice myself many times. But I use the concept of "changing priorities" rather than "lowering standards.")

[EugenePoet]

GS -- yes, maybe so. I tend to think in absolutist terms, and I tend to believe that what people say or write is what they really mean. But as you write, people are not necessarily as yes-or-no or as straightforward and certain of themselves as they seem.

I'm very naive. Until the last six months I hadn't dated since I was 19 or 20, and I'm 54 now. But honesty and transparency are central to who I am. And the few women who've given me feedback say they value those things even more than my manly virile growth of ear hairs. (Go figure.)

But yeah, I'm currently de-emphasizing the online dating stuff because of my perceptions about it, and doing trad things like taking a dance class and joining a hiking club. Very 20th-century of me. Really, though, I'm having too much fun to complain.

[LovingRadiance]

Eugene,

I had SO much fun taking a ballroom dance class with my husband! I can't do it right now, but I can't wait to do it again! It was SO fun.
I REALLY want to learn the tango. We were working on that one when I had to stop. I'm really looking forward to doing it again.
We found there were 2-3 times as many women in those classes than men and it was always helpful when men would come who didn't mind sharing partners!!

[EugenePoet]

My GF and her husband have been doing tango regularly for about 6 years. They've gone to Argentina a couple of times on tango safaris. I'm aiming more toward other ballroom dances partly because tango is so much their thing and partly because from her descriptions the tango community in our relatively small town is rather closed and incestuous.

I'm starting with a ballroom sampler class which teaches 4 dances in 10 weeks. It will be interesting and I hope it will be fun!

[LovingRadiance]

That is absolutely awesome Eugene!!!

The class we took did a different ballroom dance each month. Met on Mondays. It was great! She repeats after a year, but sometimes switches which ones she does in any given month. So if you go for more than a year-you get to do the same dances a second time and she's GREAT about giving more intricate details to the people who are ready for it.

I LOVED it.

[Justbeloving]

Originally Posted by Bawdysattva

I've known that I was poly before I'd even heard of the word. Even before I started dating, monogamy never made sense to me. It seemed like an unnecessary restriction; as though people expected to "own" their partners' bodies like property.

If my lifestyle choice is eliminating 90% of my prospective partners, while the partners who are left are splitting their time between other men and me, is this really a good strategy for finding happiness? Wouldn't I be better off just finding one monogamous girl?

That feels like self-denial. I am polyamorous; I'm never going to believe that monogamy is the "best" or the "healthiest" lifestyle choice, and I'm always going to feel like my "ideal" world is a poly world.

These statements lead me to ask if you're aware of the reasoning you use certain terms like "own", "property", "restriction"? "Never going to believe"?

The fact that you've "always known" and use of absolute terms leads me to wonder if and what seemed to instill poly in you... seems an innate part of you in a society that perscribes to monogamy. If you are aware of this or not, perhaps the answers to your questions might lie there. Just an idea

[Bawdysattva]

I really appreciate everybody's comments.

In particular, though, I want to mentioned GroundedSpirit's advice. I ended up having a conversation with a friend who is monogamous but poly-friendly and we came to a similar conclusion. Rather than get wrapped up in labels, I'm just going to look for somebody I can have a deep connection with. If that person is happy with an open relationship, then great. If she's not... I'll have to cross that bridge when I get there, but taking positive action is better than sitting around feeling mopey.

Thanks, all.