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  #21  
Old 12-08-2013, 03:48 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Pot meet kettle idealist you are being quite judgmental yourself right now. If you want to be nit picky about it. Difference is it doesn't bother me. You can't hear my intention not my tone of voice
. God forbid I feel like folks need to have their baggage in order before dragging someone into something that has the potential to be a royal shit storm. We have had how many threads recently about etudes torpedoing their husbands relationships?

Sorry holding hands and singing Kumbya is not my style. I am an INTJ we call it like we see it. Sometimes folks need things laid out bluntly and honestly.
Yes- we know what you think. And yes i am being judgmental of you- but you didn't just join today and I'm not giving you advice about how to run your life. And I'm (in general) pretty compatible with INTJs being an ENFJ myself. I have no problem with people expressing their opinions bluntly and honestly. What I object to are multiple "you need to" "you should" " you have to" statements. That "know-it-all" attitude is not an INTJ trait....that's just something you are doing- for some reason- don't know why.
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  #22  
Old 12-08-2013, 05:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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If I'm understanding correctly, it sounds like you're ambivalent towards marriage in general, but that you do love your wife. If it were possible to continue the marriage but with the inclusion of polyamory, that you would be content to remain married. The main problem in your marriage is the fact that monogamy does not meet your need for autonomy, connection, and personal expression.

If that's the situation, then I think it's worth communicating that to your wife. If she's determined to make the marriage work, then it will be her responsibility to learn how to accept and cope with a non-monogamous husband. There are a number of strategies for that, but they all require her to be committed to the process and the outcome.

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Originally Posted by CuriousGreg View Post
So how did people come to terms with the idea of being poly? It was never a thought to me because its not something I ever encountered in my personal life.
I grew up "knowing" that I would never get married, because that meant you had to be with just one person for the rest of your life, and even as a child, I somehow knew that would never work for me. When I got older and learned that this was a legitimate thing you could do, that you could even get married and still have other partners, it was a complete epiphany.

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Any tips on how to approach this conversation? My default is basically be blunt and leave as little ambiguity to how I feel as possible.
I find the process of nonviolent communication to be very helpful for communicating difficult things with people who may have trouble hearing them. At first it can seem a little hokey, but it really has transformed the way my husband and I communicate. It teaches you to see life in terms of feelings and needs (both your own and those of others), and to judge behaviour rather than people. I personally prefer the audiobook version because you can listen in the car or walking to work, at times when your mind is available and you're not really doing anything anyway.

One thing that its creator, Marshal Rosenberg, has found with married couples is that sometimes, separating is still the only to get both their needs met, but that when they come to that conclusion through the examination and empathy of their mutual feelings and needs, the separation becomes almost like a celebration, rather than a traumatic conclusion.

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The last thing I want to say is that I think the idea of everyone knowing eachother and at least being friends sounds amazing.
Yeah, it is. If not for our common partner, I probably wouldn't hang out with Auto's husband, but we get along quite well when we are together, and it just makes things a lot smoother. For example, there have been times when she was upset over something I'd done, and he's talked her down because he recognized it as one of her triggers rather than something I was actually doing wrong.
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  #23  
Old 12-08-2013, 06:14 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Let me put it to you this way. My marriage was pretty solid when I started my poly journey.

It almost destroyed my marriage. Poly will put a spotlight on every crack and flaw in your marriage and make those flaws magnify.
Poly itself doesn't break up marriages. An inability to communicate your needs and feelings with clarity and accountability, and to meet the needs of your partner with compassion and grace, breaks up marriages.

Many people perceive their relationship as solid until they put it under pressure. A house of cards can easily stand for eternity, as long as the ground doesn't shake and no one tries to lay a brick on top. Still, a house of cards standing in a room of dead air is not to be mistaken for a brick house.

It is helpful to provide people with experiences from your own life. But it's important to be cautious of projecting your own triggers onto other people's lives.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #24  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:22 AM
CuriousGreg CuriousGreg is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
I can move it for you.

As for your questions, poke around a bit and see what you find that's relevant. Searching for "divorce" or "opening up" might be good places to start. Not all of what you find will be relevant, but at least you'll see you're not the first to have to deal with this.

It sounds like you're going about it as well as you can for the time being. You're thinking things through logically and not falling into the all-to-common trap of rushing off to find someone to act as relationship spack filler. I do think Dagferi is right about you looking for excuses to put off a divorce, but it's a huge change and it's only human to want to take baby steps into the unknown.
Thank you Emm, I really appreciate it and it appears the second talk stuck and I am moving forward and am feeling pretty good. She accepted it on her terms which were rough but I know I cannot avoid hurting her.

I really appreciate the support and will search as you advised soon once this haze of sudden change wears off.
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  #25  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:28 AM
CuriousGreg CuriousGreg is offline
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"I found out about polyamory and resonated with it immediately. I talked to Richard about it and we started seeing each other again as a poly couple. It has worked out very well for us and we have been together as poly for 4 years. "

Thank you idealist, I am so glad things worked for you. You give me much hope.

I tried to approach the idea that traditional relationships don't resonate with me toniight and it failed miserably as I suspected it would. I still love her and am sorry I have to hurt her but I know I canno try and squish myself into a box I don't fit and I am very optimistic that I can have another meaningful relationship with someone who is on the same page as me in the future.
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  #26  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:54 AM
CuriousGreg CuriousGreg is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If I'm understanding correctly, it sounds like you're ambivalent towards marriage in general, but that you do love your wife. If it were possible to continue the marriage but with the inclusion of polyamory, that you would be content to remain married.
You have hit the nail on the head but unfortunately she is not even slightly receptive. I have let her go and am coming to terms with her anger towards me although I hold no grudge against her. I feel bad that I brought her into this not really understanding myself but I cannot undo the past.

Thank you for the time and effort you put into your reply I am really feeling welcomed, validated and supported by this.
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  #27  
Old 12-08-2013, 12:10 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Welcome, Greg. I think you'll find that this forum can be a great resource for you, although there's a lot to sift through.

For me it's been incredibly valuable to be able to be exposed to so many different ways that people makes their lives and relationships work. I was initially very skeptical of the idea of polyamory; despite the fact that I cheated several times in my marriage, I subscribed to the view that one partner should fill all emotional/romantic/sexual needs. Even when I transitioned to staying married but also having a additional partner that my husband knew about, I still tended to be be pretty dogmatic in my relationship views, i.e., it wasn't a "real" relationship unless certain conditions were met. Not surprisingly, my bf had different (also largely unvoiced) wishes and expectations. Reading here of other people's relationship struggles and processes has helped me to better recognize how each of us was being guided by assumptions that we hadn't been forced to challenge before, but that were now getting in our way. It helped both to read of those who shared feelings that I did - indirect validation, I guess - but also to see that those feelings were not universal.

Along those lines, you might find some of the posts on relationship anarchy interesting as well as those on divorce and opening up.

There's also a degree of openness here - rawness even - that I at least do not encounter in most of my "real world" relationships. For me it's been a useful reminder of how much other people are struggling in their relationships, even though I may not see it. It's awfully easy to assume that it's just my own relationship(s) that are challenging or seem flawed, when in fact a lot of the underlying issues are pretty universal.

Your comment of "I brought her into this not understanding myself" resonates with me, as I did the same. And yet we (or I, anyway) often don't even recognize the extent to which we don't understand. You sound though like you are making good progress on understanding (and accepting) yourself and being able to communicate how you feel, and I expect that will be a great help to you in moving forward.

Good luck!!
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  #28  
Old 12-08-2013, 11:40 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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"You have hit the nail on the head but unfortunately she is not even slightly receptive. I have let her go and am coming to terms with her anger towards me although I hold no grudge against her. I feel bad that I brought her into this not really understanding myself but I cannot undo the past"

In my case- we had been separated for quite a while. We had already accepted that we were not in a relationship any more. I had taken my time to consider this as being a lifestyle choice for me and I was confident that I was committed to this lifestyle completely. After introducing him to the idea of polyamory, he took some time to consider it. For us, it didn't happen over night. I have said this recently on my blog. One of the most important things for me has been patience.
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