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  #21  
Old 12-08-2013, 05:43 AM
Firelight Firelight is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I was in a very similar situation - except that our relationship was actually encouraged by the wife - until she suddenly changed her mind completely, and there was no negotiating. We lived together. She gave him ultimatums time and again, but he would never choose. However, each fight between them resulted in requirements that he pull further and further away from me. She finally asked me to leave herself. He let me go and tried to make their marriage work for the sake of their children, but their marriage ultimately did not survive. They were married 15 years.

Because I lived with them, I was privy to the complete and constant emotional hell he was subjected to. I actually did not see how he withstood it. At times I wanted to leave hoping it would end his pain, but he always asked that I stay. I would be willing to bet that your guy is dealing with something similar. I am not saying it forgives how he treated you (I am betting he feels very guilty about it, because my guy did and he stood his ground and refused to choose), but you probably do not have a full picture of the emotional anguish to which she subjected him.
I will never know what went on in their house between them. I can't judge something I don't have information on. I did see a "counting" system going on and they did seem hell bent on punishing each other for past relationships. That's the resentment I spoke of earlier.

I appreciate the advice I've received and it has made me realize that I don't need to expose myself to jealous hypocrites. I need to surround myself with people who I admire. Love. Appreciate. And make my day better just by being in it. It's a process. Hard to mourn the loss of a deep connection.
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  #22  
Old 12-08-2013, 02:02 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I know the rejection still stings and will probably hurt for a while, but I predict that you will someday be grateful that you didn't get more involved with him. They sound a bit like assholes to me, to be honest.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-10-2013 at 02:03 AM.
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  #23  
Old 12-08-2013, 03:19 PM
Dana Dana is offline
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It does seem a bit odd. Did they every clarify what it is specifically about your particular involvement that is problematic? I'm left wondering if you posed some kind of new threat and triggered some fear. I hope they can work out the source of that fear. Either way, I feel for you. Do this long enough, and these experiences happen.

And...I don't think these reactions make people inherently "good" or "bad." We are all in different places in our journey and along the way we are bound to fuck up from time to time. I wouldn't categorically write them off as being somehow "less than." They just aren't where you need them to be for your own health.
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  #24  
Old 01-07-2014, 12:22 AM
Firelight Firelight is offline
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Default More confusion: what do I do now?

UPDATE: I received a message from his primary, my friend, a few days after he broke up with me, asking if I was okay. She asked if she could share her feelings on it now that he had decided to not pursue a relationship and I assumed because she wanted to explain why she "vetoed". I said no. I was too hurt & didn't need to submit myself to any further damage.

A month goes by, there is some small contact between her and I over the holidays. She asks if we can talk about her feelings about what happened. I agree. Very apprehensive.

She tells me that she did not veto the relationship. She tells me that she was very upset and needed time to work through her primary having relationship with me. She felt hurt and upset because we had "betrayed" her (her words). Although she admitted we had both been open about our communication & relationship, I, personally, I had not shared with her my deep feelings for him. She felted hurt by this since we are friends.

She also told me that she wasn't sure she could handle him being with me. She was fearful of him leaving her for me. Listing a number of reasons... younger, more in common... etc. None of which I believe are threatening on any level. I thought I would enhance their relationship. Not threaten it. I was confused by this.

In the end, over a few days, she said she cried, worked hard with him to figure things out and finally came to the conclusion that out of love for him, she wanted him to have this relationship with me. True gift of polyamory. One condition, that she tell me herself (she knew I wouldn't believe him without her blessing) and his secondary before we went forward. He agreed. He continued to nag her and pester her to do communicate & tell me what was going on. She got very frustrated with him but still agreed that this is what she would do. She communicated to the secondary and then was about to proceed to tell me what was going on and he turned around and told her that he had broken up with me over the phone that day. He had gone to a counsellor that day and the counsellor (not a poly counsellor) had advised him that he had to make a choice between me or his other relationships. That I had "broken the girl code" of trying to have a relationship with my best friend's husband. I was so confused by this since we're talking polyamory. Not monogamy here. Everything was open. It was not a competition!

Here I am now. Starting to re-connect a fragile relationship with her (she said she is having a hard time trusting me). According to her, he has been distant & quiet for weeks stating he misses me but he is getting better.

She did not encourage me to talk to him and I think (my guess) is she is relieved that I am out of the picture. However, she made a statement that, it would have made her life easier to spend time her with secondary if her primary was busy with me. I told her that I had visions of how it all would work and how disappointed I am. I also told her that he has to take responsibility for his decisions. She said that he has made quick flippant decisions like this before based on her "mood" or reaction to something he said or did.

Key part of this is that this is one side of the story. I do not have any information or insight from his side at all.

What do I do? I love him. I miss him. I want a relationship. I am scared. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to her? Do I contact him? Do I leave it alone as previously recommended on this thread? Run away from it? Move onto less complicated relationships? Help!

Last edited by Firelight; 01-07-2014 at 12:35 AM.
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  #25  
Old 01-07-2014, 02:12 AM
london london is offline
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They sound like drama. Keep on moving.
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  #26  
Old 01-07-2014, 02:42 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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RUN! RUN NOW!

Seriously.

Be sad, grieve the loss. But move on. This situation will not improve.

She is deeply insecure - which we all are but she is apparently unwilling to deal with that and puts it on other people. Notice how everyone else is responsible for her feelings? That is not the behavior of an adult. No one makes us insecure. We do it to ourselves. They sound deeply dysfunctional both separately and as a couple. He makes impulse decisions in response to his reading of her moods? Ugh! Also I don't see how you betrayed her - perhaps you should have mentioned the developing feelings earlier. But, honestly, it reads even if you had done everything perfect, there still would have been a shit storm.

RUN. You've been blessed with a warning. This people have shown you who they truly are. Believe them.
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  #27  
Old 01-07-2014, 03:47 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I agree, walk away.the only reason she would allow you back in is not for your feelings or his but rather her own selfish purposes. Stay around and you're nothing but her tool to be cast off when sheno llonger wants you around
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  #28  
Old 01-07-2014, 01:28 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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The thing that strikes me about your account is how her wanting to talk to you was all about her - her feelings of betrayal, her fear of being left for you, her feeling that life with her secondary would be easier if you were in the picture. Nothing about mistakes she may have made - and I can guarantee everybody made some, including her. In other words whatever she is offering, she is offering for selfish reasons - not out of love for her husband or for you. And when what she is offering does not satisfy those selfish reasons or her reasons change, the rules will change again.

I know. I have been through it. I was sharing a house with a couple. We were a vee configuration. The arrangement was promoted by the wife. When it didn't satisfy whatever unhappiness within herself she was trying to fix, she changed her mind. No explanation, no negotiation. However, when I asked her if I should leave - I had upended my life at her behest - she told me no, because then her husband would be so unhappy that he might leave her. Long story short, she made his life a living hell, finally did ask me to leave, and lost her marriage - not because of me, but because of her awful behavior.

It sounds like the husband is probably pissed and miserable. She may be trying to fix that, but not out of love for him, but because she is tired of being the recipient of his anger. But say he gets happy again with you back in the picture, her insecurities will return and it will be the same shit different day.

And yeah, wtf about basing decisions on a mono counselor? Doesn't sound like the two of them really have a clue.
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  #29  
Old 01-07-2014, 01:57 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Doesn't sound like the two of them really have a clue.
That much seems clear enough.

In order for a romantic association to work, certainly when it is a poly arrangement, everyone involved needs to either be GREAT at identifying their personal emotional baggage and then dealing with it or they need to be VIGILANT in their quest to be GREAT at it. This whole thing where people just keep relating to each other the way they always have and assume it's going to keep working (even though it never has before) is for the birds.
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  #30  
Old 01-07-2014, 02:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
In the end, over a few days, she said she cried, worked hard with him to figure things out and finally came to the conclusion that out of love for him, she wanted him to have this relationship with me. True gift of polyamory. One condition, that she tell me herself (she knew I wouldn't believe him without her blessing) and his secondary before we went forward. He agreed. He continued to nag her and pester her to do communicate & tell me what was going on.
That does not sound like she wants to participate in metamourship with you and concurrent lover-ing with him out of joy. It sounds like she folded so she can get on to seeing her own OSO and/or stop being harangued by her husband. The tit-for-tat scorekeeping games seem to continue there.

Given that he KEEPS ON pestering her because she's not doing it "fast enough" for him? UGH. He sounds like a bully. "If you REALLY loved me you would..." He doesn't sound like he wants to accept that she doesn't want to go there at this time or needs healing herself. He wants to get his cookies.

Quote:
She did not encourage me to talk to him and I think (my guess) is she is relieved that I am out of the picture. However, she made a statement that, it would have made her life easier to spend time her with secondary if her primary was busy with me.
You do not exist to be a "gap filler" or as a "distraction/toy" for him so she can be free of bullying from her husband or go play with her OSO.

Notice she does NOT encourage clear communication in that sentence while complaining that you did not "disclose enough" in this one:
Quote:
Although she admitted we had both been open about our communication & relationship, I, personally, I had not shared with her my deep feelings for him
There's a lot of weird there still. These people have weak personal boundaries.

She doesn't sound like she's after returning to right relationship with you or helping reassure/alleviate any of your pain. She sounds like she's after cookies for her -- relief from husband bullying/free to see her OSO.

I don't blame her for wanting peace of ANY kind in her life if she's living with a bullying dude like that, but that doesn't mean YOU have to go back to that!

Quote:
What do I do? I love him. I miss him. I want a relationship.
Of course you do. Those are appropriate feelings to be having just after a break up. But in your behavior? You could listen to your gut the first time and obey your own personal limits. Here was your limit:

Quote:
I said no. I was too hurt & didn't need to submit myself to any further damage.
You did not obey your limit and let her talk to you. And where are you now? Upset and confused. In other words -- more hit points. You let yourself be dinged again by these people.

Here is what you could do moving forward in your behavior. Feel whatever you feel along the way but in your conduct?
  • You could not go back to wacky town and obey your own limits.
  • You could continue to love him from afar to give yourself the time to detach/let the love fade.
  • You could continue to miss him from afar in the meanwhile and be ok missing him. Time will fade that down too if you LET it.
  • You could accept these two are NOT healthy people and that you are best out of the line of fire at this time. Not talk to either of them.
  • You could continue to want a relationship, and seek SOMEONE ELSE to have it with who is healthier, of stronger character, and will treat you kindly.

This is still fresh for you -- give it time to die down.

Could keep your OWN stress low. Could seek more fulfilling and less wacky relationships for your own romances.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-07-2014 at 02:36 PM.
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