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  #31  
Old 12-05-2013, 03:37 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
I am clear in my OKC profile that I am married and have a boyfriend. And that I am searching for a third. It's all up front. I get a lot of garbage because of that (messages asking me DTF? And calling me a whore) but I think it helps to have it there. So far I have only had two possibilities that I've actually gone out with that were identifying as mono. One was a douchebag that I would have pepper sprayed if I had some to use, and the other I am now embarking on a real relationship with (I hope). His plan is to remain mono with me and see how it goes. My husband is mono with me, so I am ok with that, but I do worry about the new guy turning cowboy. So far he has been very proactive with asking questions and talking about how he sees things moving forward. I haven't gotten that vibe yet. We have only been dating for a couple weeks though, and we have been intimate once. *shrugs*

I absolutely don't want to be someone's "experiment" with non monogamy. I get a lot of messages from guys who are "willing to try it" and those get deleted. Just the way they word things, it is clear they will dump me in a hot minute once they meet a girl who is willing to be monogamous. I want to be a viable relationship in my own right, not something they do to kill time, if that makes sense.

With my new potential, he has never given me any indications as of yet that this is his plan, and we have talked about it. He knows what my intentions are, andI think I understand his motivations, so it's all good.

My advice is to give those mono guys a chance, but don't be stupid about it. That's how I am progressing, anyway.
Hi Bluebird,

I am curious: what ARE your new mono guy's motivations? Why would a mono person choose to date someone who is already in two relationships already? I could understand if he happened to meet you and fell for you, but if you met online and your profile was clear...I am puzzled and curious, if you don't mind sharing.
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  #32  
Old 12-05-2013, 03:48 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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In some poking around online recently, I found that I seem to fall into the "demisexual" bracket - that I don't really GET attracted to people until there's a connection. There's no lust for the hottie at the bar, that type of thing (although I can certainly aesthetically appreciate a nice-looking person ).

No desire to use it as a label for myself, but it explains that piece of me very well, I think. It's also why all this dating talk is kind of speculative for me, since I'd have to be in the situation where I'm either online dating or doing something else where I'm spending a lot of time in the "getting to know you" phase. I really haven't been in that situation.
I can so relate! I am all about the mental / emotional connection. While I notice pretty people - both male and female (I am female, btw) - they are like art to me. I don't have any attraction or sexual desire no matter how pretty anyone is, unless there is that connection.

Thank you for providing some terminology!
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  #33  
Old 12-05-2013, 03:56 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Yup, and it gave me the "light bulb" moment when I realized that I've never gone all tingly for a celebrity, or a hot bod, or even someone we kinda barely knew. When my friends were swooning over wanting to go to bed with someone, I was like, "Well, he's hot..". but I didn't share their enthusiasm and was kind of personally "icked out" by the idea of going to bed with someone I didn't know or trust.

Before finding the label, I always said it was because I needed to trust someone before getting intimate with them. Who knows if that's part of it or not, or just some brain/emotional connection thing that happens a bit differently from most. I just know that it hasn't really been a problem in my life - just makes my "going to bed with someone" pool a bit smaller. I don't really mind that.
I am with you on the trust issue. For me sex is more of a matter of trust, before it is a matter of lust or love.
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  #34  
Old 12-05-2013, 04:11 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Hi Bluebird,

I am curious: what ARE your new mono guy's motivations? Why would a mono person choose to date someone who is already in two relationships already? I could understand if he happened to meet you and fell for you, but if you met online and your profile was clear...I am puzzled and curious, if you don't mind sharing.
Not to answer for Bluebird, (and this is not directed only to you, Meera, but just adding to the conversation)... but I think that just because someone feels that monogamy is right for them does not mean that they automatically want the traditional storybook type of totally entwined relationship. For example, they might not have a lot of personal time to devote to being with someone, even though they want something committed, and so it seems like it can work for them. Or they may simply find that something feels right and compelling about moving forward with another person even if the situation is unfamiliar and perhaps seems strange to them. A person who has always been monogamous can still be open-minded enough and willing to look at new ways to be committed in a relationship with someone.

Before I embraced poly for myself, I was monogamous my whole life, and really had only met three people in my 50 years who were into some form of ethical non-monogamy. BUT quite a number of the monogamous people I'd known still approached their relationships non-traditionally for the most part, whether it was managing something very long-distance, having lots more autonomy and independence than most, or even acknowledging to their partner that they had other attractions although they would never act on them, or whatever - they just happened to be monogamous as well.

Polyfolk haven't cornered the market on progressive thinking about relationships. Just had to say that! Jeez, I've known some monofolk who were a hell of a lot more laid-back and accepting of alternative views on relationships than some of the so-called "poly couples" that come here searching for "their third" with their lists of rules and specifications on how to do that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-05-2013 at 04:30 AM.
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  #35  
Old 12-06-2013, 08:51 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Quote:
I am curious: what ARE your new mono guy's motivations? Why would a mono person choose to date someone who is already in two relationships already? I could understand if he happened to meet you and fell for you, but if you met online and your profile was clear...I am puzzled and curious, if you don't mind sharing.
He is finalizing his divorce right now (papers are filed, separation requirements have been completed and he is just waiting for the final decree) and isn't looking for another wife. He says he likes the idea of being committed but that I am not going to try and get him to marry me or get pregnant or try & move in. He doesn't want any of that. Neither do I. I guess the single mono chicks he's seen haven't matched up with his current frame of mind. He also says I do match up, really well with him, and he thinks I'm beautiful, smart and all-together awesome. *shrugs*

He seems fairly laid back and is a very sweet, kind hearted guy. He is also very wrapped up in his job and mentioned that as one of the reasons for his divorce. Since I can't give him 100% of my time, that has been ok with me so far. I think that if I were a single mono girl I might find that upsetting, but it hasn't been an issue yet.

He has said straight out that he doesn't think that he himself is looking to see anyone else and that he is looking to be mono with me. He is ok with me being poly. Again, I think this may have to do with time constraints because of how much effort he puts into his job. We will see how it goes. He had one night this week open to see me, and he scheduled me into it immediately. This was last night. He pretty much fell asleep on the couch while I was over. It was clear he wanted to see me, but was just exhausted from his job. I went home and didn't sleep over because he was planning on driving to work at 5 am the next day. Craziness.

I am seeing where it goes. I am still seeing other people from OKC until I can judge how much time - quality time - he is going to be able to give me. Watching South Park while he dozes is ok once in a while, but that is the niche my husband fills for me!
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Last edited by Bluebird; 12-06-2013 at 08:57 PM.
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  #36  
Old 12-07-2013, 04:20 AM
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I know some monos who prefer to date non-monos because they just don't have the time to commit to a "full-time" relationship. They might be busy with work or kids or an ailing mother, and they like the idea of "being with someone" without the "burden" of having to always be available for that person. I also know some polys who prefer to date as "secondaries" for the same reason.

When you get to a certain age, you start to find that most people who are still single and actively dating are looking to settle down, get married, and make babies. Or worse, they're divorced and looking for replacement parents for their kids. If you want no part of that, it can be really hard to find someone who will accept "less" without calling you immature or selfish.
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  #37  
Old 12-07-2013, 10:07 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
It's not the fact that i would be devastated if someone did this after a date or two, but the way I think I can minimise it ever happening is by being very strict about only dating people who fit the criteria I already mentioned.

But yeah, in honesty, I would probably be mildly pissed off by someone who knew I was poly, still wanted to date and then pulled out. I wouldn't voice it to them because I know i would be pissed due to my somewhat unrealistic expectation for people to "know themselves".
I feel exactly the same way, and so often I will use my many "mandatory" marked questions to see if I should even bother: some of my questions immediately are going to tell me not to even bother such as if they are interested in being in a "open" relationship or not or (love this one) if they believe jealousy is "healthy" or not.~

I know exactly what you mean, I have that same fear but I do try to give many people a consideration if only as a friend!~ ^_^
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Last edited by ColorsWolf; 12-07-2013 at 10:09 AM.
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  #38  
Old 12-07-2013, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I know some monos who prefer to date non-monos because they just don't have the time to commit to a "full-time" relationship. They might be busy with work or kids or an ailing mother, and they like the idea of "being with someone" without the "burden" of having to always be available for that person. I also know some polys who prefer to date as "secondaries" for the same reason.

When you get to a certain age, you start to find that most people who are still single and actively dating are looking to settle down, get married, and make babies. Or worse, they're divorced and looking for replacement parents for their kids. If you want no part of that, it can be really hard to find someone who will accept "less" without calling you immature or selfish.
I wonder how many people who actually reject this: if they weren't afraid to declare that they are not going to live a certain way just because it is acceptable to many other people.~

This relates to my topic: Family Values, as well.~

Love,

ColorsWolf
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  #39  
Old 12-18-2013, 11:57 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by ColorsWolf View Post
I wonder how many people who actually reject this: if they weren't afraid to declare that they are not going to live a certain way just because it is acceptable to many other people.~

This relates to my topic: Family Values, as well.~

Love,

ColorsWolf
You have too many negatives. What are you talking about?

Canceling negatives out gives us:
I wonder how many people who actually reject this: If they were afraid to declare that they are going to live a certain way just because it is acceptable to many other people

That's more or less basic human behavior; being afraid of social stigma and rejection. Are you saying, "I wonder how many people aren't afraid of social stigma and rejection"?

I posit as a WAG 1% of the population, maybe 5%. Everyone else does care because as a society there are in fact social mores and social laws and social values. You even use the term 'Family Values', implying you have social constraints too.
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  #40  
Old 12-19-2013, 02:03 AM
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Re (from london):
Quote:
"You see, one of my biggest fears is dating someone who I bond with, and then they decide they don't want either of us to be poly and I have to choose poly or them."
Hmmm. Logic then dictates that you should ask this someone for their take on poly sometime before you actually bond with them. Does that help to narrow it down to some kind of a time frame?

That said, if it was me I'd mention in my profile that first of all I was poly, and secondly, that anyone interested should be willing to state early on what their take on poly is. Then they can't say I blindsided them when I ask them early on to state their position. If they've read my profile which, as we all know, if they haven't, they're probably not looking for much of a relationship anyway. Though maybe they can still score points if their messages are thoughtful enough.

I think it's reasonable knowing someone's position on poly before actually dating them, especially if interaction with them starts on OKC with messages going back and forth.

Re (from SchrodingersCat):
Quote:
"Rather than, 'How long?' I would be asking, 'What signs am I looking for?'"
Sounds like an even better idea.

Some monogamous dates will be thinking, "This poly thing is just a phase that she'll outgrow when she sees how much better I love her." And then your responses meet up with their confirmation bias and they just become more and more sure of it. Which is how some monogamists become cowboys (or cowgirls). They are "rescuing" you from polyamory (and from a bad relationship). This type of thing is hard to weed out and you really have to stay on top of it.

Just some musings here and there,
Kevin T.
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