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  #1  
Old 12-06-2013, 07:24 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Default How to handle being vetoed or being on the bad end of an ultimatum

I was dating a guy for a few months. Not too long, we started talking in July-ish, met for the first time in August. It progressed quickly. Normally it takes me around 6 months to even start THINKING I might love someone. With him... I just knew so soon.

His primary partner, however, doesn't agree with how I approach relationships. Or she doesn't understand or something. After who knows how many arguments between them, an epic failure at me trying to talk to her and see if we could find SOME common ground, and all kinds of upset for everyone involved... She told him it was her or me. They've been together for years, live together, obviously plan to spend their lives together, so I knew what the choice would be if it came to it. I sincerely hoped it wouldn't, but it did so now we have to deal with it.

It just happened a few days ago. He and I have still been talking. Figuring out if we need to just stop completely and let each other go, at least for the foreseeable future. Or if we continue talking everyday and try to keep the connection we both value. Or something in between.

I'm so torn between not wanting to completely lose this man that I love. I am normally very guarded emotionally, but I have opened up to him in ways I never expected. I can hear the pain in his voice when we talk on the phone. The guilt. The sadness. The love.

I just wanted to see if anyone had any ideas, opinions, or advice. Breakups suck, sure, but this one feels a million times worse because I have no idea what I did that so upset her. It feels like she is just insecure and unwilling to actually let him love someone else, even though he obviously still adores her.

Any feedback would be awesome.
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  #2  
Old 12-06-2013, 08:34 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Sigh. .... ultimatum s are never a good idea. Clearly, if you and he are still talking, the choice is NOT so obvious-- and now she knows it
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  #3  
Old 12-06-2013, 08:43 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Question it sucks ...

it sucks and hurts for things to end that way but if your still talking, it hasnt really ended.
I have to ask - what were the fights about?
what part of your relationship scared her that she felt the need to veto it?
How long have they been poly?
has she done this before?
does she know you are still talking every day?
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  #4  
Old 12-06-2013, 09:53 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Originally Posted by westVan View Post
it sucks and hurts for things to end that way but if your still talking, it hasnt really ended.
We're still talking, but mostly just to figure out if it's even feasible to be in each others' lives at this point or not.

Quote:
I have to ask - what were the fights about?
She was pretty insecure from the beginning. She felt like he wasn't showing her enough attention/love. That he was putting my desires before her feelings. That we were treating each other too much like primaries instead of what it was - two people feeling the intensity of NRE and trying to curb it as much as possible. Even after we drastically cut down how much we were texting, he didn't see me for two weeks because she "needed" him to stay home (even though she was going out), etc. she didn't feel like he showed her properly that he loves her.

Quote:
what part of your relationship scared her that she felt the need to veto it?
My guess? The fact that we were in love. What does she say? That I was setting myself up to be another primary and didn't respect their relationship as the most important thing ever. Regardless of my multiple attempts to figure out what she needed to feel like I was respecting her/her relationship with him and the attempts to curb NRE in general mentioned above.

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How long have they been poly?
They were open for about 2-3 years. Just opened up to the idea of polyamory and not just sexual experiences about 9 months ago.

Quote:
has she done this before?
She disapproved of one person he dated and cared about intensely before me. It wasn't LOVE, but it easily could have been if they had more time. The other woman was monogamous, though, so an actual veto wasn't used. He realized that it wasn't going to work long term and ended it.

There was also once when they were just open to sexual things that he started to fall for someone. He completely cut her out of his life (willingly after his primary pointed out the emotional attachment he was developing since that wasn't part of the arrangement at the time), and regrets it to this day.

Quote:
does she know you are still talking every day?
Since there has still been a touch of interaction in public spheres like facebook... She should be very aware of it. I haven't straight out asked him, but he isn't one to hide the fact that he is trying to figure out how to adjust to meet her demands.
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Old 12-06-2013, 10:08 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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This is why I hate the whole primary/secondary relationship model, and really hate a veto clause.

Good luck.. IMO run do not pass go do not collect $200. As long as she is in his life she is going to micromanage every relationship he is in. Really is the headache worth it.
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Old 12-06-2013, 10:10 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Sigh. .... ultimatum s are never a good idea. Clearly, if you and he are still talking, the choice is NOT so obvious-- and now she knows it
This made me smile, by the way. Thanks.

It's an obvious choice because their lives are so entangled. I have my serious concerns for the relationship itself, but I knew he wouldn't consider leaving her or take the risk of her leaving at this point in time.
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Old 12-06-2013, 10:13 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
This is why I hate the whole primary/secondary relationship model, and really hate a veto clause.

Good luck.. IMO run do not pass go do not collect $200. As long as she is in his life she is going to micromanage every relationship he is in. Really is the headache worth it.
Ugh, me, too! I don't understand causing someone you love pain on purpose. Which is what she's doing. I also don't understand quantifying love. If I love someone, I love them. I don't love them more or less than I love my husband. I may love them differently because I'm not going to be able to give them the same things as I can give someone I live with and see everyday and have known and been with for almost a decade, but yeah. Love is love. Probably what she doesn't like about me, huh?

In this situation, though... I wonder if the headache is worth it. To maintain a friendship of sorts with him. I don't find people I truly care about often. I don't want to lose it completely.
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Old 12-06-2013, 11:50 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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From your description, it sounds as if there is any love involved, then that is not "respecting" their relationship.

If this is true, he will eventually realize it - if he hasn't already. What gets done about probably will be determined by how they are as a couple. If she can't handle it, and they can function as mono, they could close the relationship. But if they cannot, and she can't overcome her insecurities, this will eventually become unsustainable.
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Old 12-06-2013, 11:58 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
In this situation, though... I wonder if the headache is worth it. To maintain a friendship of sorts with him. I don't find people I truly care about often. I don't want to lose it completely.
This is the only part of this situation you have any control over. You can only decide how *you* are going to respond to these situations which are entirely out of your control.

My answer is very easy, "Awe Heeeeeeell Naw", but you have to figure out how much nonsense you are willing to put up with.
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  #10  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:39 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
From your description, it sounds as if there is any love involved, then that is not "respecting" their relationship.

If this is true, he will eventually realize it - if he hasn't already. What gets done about probably will be determined by how they are as a couple. If she can't handle it, and they can function as mono, they could close the relationship. But if they cannot, and she can't overcome her insecurities, this will eventually become unsustainable.
This makes sense to me. She started acting weird about us going out when he first said he had strong feelings for me (before he said the word love, but it was an obvious sign it was coming). Then after I said I love him, too, it got significantly worse.

What I don't understand is... She has been seeing a guy for most of the time they've been poly. A man she claims to love deeply. Expecting it to be okay for her to have that kind of relationship yet cutting it off whenever he gets close to really being comfortable with someone else... It just feels icky to me!

I hate that he is in a relationship that I feel is so incredibly unhealthy, yet I don't feel like I have the right to say anything about it, because my only experience with it is as a disliked secondary - not really the best position to get a well-rounded idea of what someone is really like. He knows I think it's unfair. He knows I don't get how she could put him through this. He agrees with me on both counts.
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