Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-06-2013, 02:26 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Default How do you avoid cheaters

I've been going through this thing where 60-70% of the men who contact me are married. This happened even when I expressly ask for no married men. I generally try dating on cupid or craigslist.

Does this happen to other women a lot? How do you avoid these men? Are you ever tempted to get involved? Where do you meet folks?

I know someone said married men come onto to women all the time, but honestly, for reasons in my blog, this is the first time i've dated and absolutely the first time I internet dated (I was married before my first computer!)

Also, if you have dated a cheater, can you ever be friends?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-06-2013, 02:41 PM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 717
Default

You seem to be using the words "married" and "cheater" interchangeably. Is the problem that they're married, or that they're married and their spouse thinks they're monogamous?

Two of my boyfriends are married (edit: not to each other). Neither of them are cheating.

Last edited by Emm; 12-06-2013 at 02:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-06-2013, 03:06 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Default Lying

Sorry, I mean guys cheating (in monogamous relationships) not telling their wives or girlfriends. They are looking for a variety of stuff. Sometimes just a fuck. Sometimes an emotional affair. Sometimes just someone to be kinky with. All not disclosed to wife.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-06-2013, 03:18 PM
central central is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Panama City Beach, Florida
Posts: 31
Default

If they are really poly or in an open relationship, their spouse is usually willing to confirm this or even meet you. In online profiles, I even state this. Simply ask to speak to or meet their spouse or SO before getting involved. You can have an initial meet to see if you are actually interested in them, and if you are, ask them to provide confirmation before going forward.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-06-2013, 03:43 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Default

That's not quite what I mean...what I mean is how to you avoid the temptation to get involved if you like the person. And do have women on here had a lot of married guys come onto them via cupid or craiglist? How do you find potential dates that are single or poly? Also, can you ever be friends with someone you cheated with?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-06-2013, 03:49 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 88
Default

Very good question!

Here are some telltale signs of married men who are cheating and not being honest about it:

They throw around the words "discretion" and "discreet" a lot. (They usually misspell "discreet" as "discrete" for some reason.)

They make the assumption that you want the relationship to make up for something you are not getting at home (usually sex, or edgier sex), because that's why they are seeking the relationship themselves, and they assume that everyone has the same motivations.

They are reluctant to share a photo that shows their face clearly, or at all. It's one thing not to put a face photo up on OKC for professional reasons, but not being willing to share one privately even after some friendly dialogue is a likely sign of a cheater. If he is wearing sunglasses in ALL his photos, or his head is cut off or blacked out, be leery.

They don't want to meet you in person in a town they live in or work in.

They tell you their first name is John, and then two conversations later they admit it is really Steve. That one always makes me laugh.

Here are some things you can do to scare them off.

You can make it clear in your profile that you don't want to talk to such people.

Never meet anyone in person who won't share a cellphone number in advance of your first date. This will weed out at least some of them. (Plus you'll also be able to get in touch if you're going to be late or need to cancel.) And don't show up to the date unless you have called and actually talked to him first.

For your own safety, I wouldn't recommend sharing last names or any other personal info before you meet anyone in person, but once you have, then I think it is reasonable to request such things of each other. If the person won't tell you their last name AFTER you have met them, be leery. And once you have their last name, Google them. Find out their address and who else is living there if you can. And if you can't find a trace of them online even if they have given you a last name and a town, be leery.

If you are talking to someone you suspect is cheating but you aren't totally sure, make it clear to them that you won't hesitate to tell their wife if it comes to that.

And don't sleep with anyone quickly, certainly not on a first or second date. Take the time to get to know them. Don't pass out cybersex or sexy chat online to strangers, a lot of cheaters are ONLY looking for that, and will lead you on and waste your time just to get it.

For me personally, I will not get sexually involved with anyone who claims to be in a don't ask/don't tell situation, for the simple reason that there is no way to verify that they are being honest about that if the wife won't talk to me. I am sometimes open to being friends with such people if they are interesting and fun, since for a few, DADT is a step towards being in a truly open relationship.

And if you are still tempted to get involved with someone you know is cheating, just think about the fact that he is lying to the person he supposedly cares about most in the world and chose as a life partner, and is potentially exposing them to STDs without their knowledge or consent.

I hope this helps!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-06-2013, 03:50 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,294
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I've been going through this thing where 60-70% of the men who contact me are married. This happened even when I expressly ask for no married men. I generally try dating on cupid or craigslist.

Does this happen to other women a lot? How do you avoid these men? Are you ever tempted to get involved? Where do you meet folks?

I know someone said married men come onto to women all the time, but honestly, for reasons in my blog, this is the first time i've dated and absolutely the first time I internet dated (I was married before my first computer!)

Also, if you have dated a cheater, can you ever be friends?
Yup, what you are experiencing is pretty normal for women doing online dating. It's hard to stop them reaching out to you entirely. Plastering your account with 'NO CHEATERS - YOUR SPOUSE MUST KNOW' will often just be ignored and they will contact you anyway.

So I do the ol' ignore and delete routine. I don't respond. If they get annoying, as in send multiple messages, I block them. If they get whiny or pissy, I block. I never respond or tell them why. It's not worth it. Some people find this rude but given the volume of these types of messages many women get, who has time for that?

There are threads here that talk about online dating. A tag search might be in order. You would probably find them helpful.

Most of the time I am not tempted. Occasionally I feel sympathy for people who may be in truly bad situations. But I have a rather rigid rule about this, even if I am sympathetic. It's not worth the potential issues for me. Generally, while there can be exceptions, I believe openness is the default better option. So if someone can't or won't go the open route - as in SO knows and approves - I won't join them in DADT, or cheating, or whatever flavor of non-ethical non-monogamy they want. (I group DADT as non-ethical non-monogamy because it is so hard to do ethically and sensitively. It tends towards the clusterfuck IMHO so I clump it with the outright cheaters. Others have very different views on DADT.) I can't stop them and I don't expect my refusal to have any impact on them at all. But my personal limit is non-ethical non-monogamy. I just won't go there. It makes my life so much simpler.

As to being friends, I suppose so? Anything is possible.

Last edited by opalescent; 12-06-2013 at 03:53 PM. Reason: clarity
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-06-2013, 04:06 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Default

Thank you guys so much.

I am glad to hear there are people out there who go through similiar things. I haven't actually met many guys (maybe one?) who are sneaking. They tend to be pretty upfront about their martial or relationship status and WHY they want to fool around. Some are deeply unhappy. Some just want non-vanilla sex. Others just want NRE.

I was involved with a cheater for a year. I feel for him because he was extremely consistent and attentive. In 100 guys, he was the only date I'd ever had who texted to see if I got home ok. We connected on many levels and I empathized with his marital issues (which mirrored my own). The sex part was short lived, However, we continued an intense friendship that was only marginally known by his wife. He was so open with me, at first, but then I realized he was telling lies about everything to his wife, to his friends, to me. Any communication was shut down, and I stopped speaking with him about 2 months ago. For whatever reason, I'm still grieving the friendship. I do want to be friends again and hope we can, but I just can't meet him at his level right now. He has shit to solve in his marriage and I'm tired of being the distraction.

Make sense?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-06-2013, 04:14 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,294
Default

Sometimes being a friend - a real friend - means not talking to that person. It seems that you are being a friend by removing yourself so he can make the choice to deal with his shit. Of course, he may not. But that is not your problem. You've done what you can do ethically for yourself and for him. Hopefully he gets himself together and resolves his marriage problems and at that point, talking to him may be possible again. I hope so. I've had to do this with friendships and it's always sad. I've grieved the loss of contact. But you are being his friend even if there is no contact.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-06-2013, 04:27 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 88
Default

I had a relationship with a cheater too, bofish, years ago when we first opened our marriage and I hadn't yet internalized the principles of polyamory even though I was identifying as poly. Mine wasn't as emotionally available as yours was, and that's why I ended the relationship, I met a poly guy who was emotionally available, and even thought the sex was light years better with the guy who was cheating, I opted for the guy who truly wanted to love and be loved. Not that I had to make a choice, but what the cheating guy was offering (great sex and not much else) didn't seem like enough of a reason to stick around after the novelty had worn off. In my experience most of the men who are cheating don't seem to be emotionally available, they just want sex and excitement.

We all live and learn, and hopefully learn to make better choices.

Last edited by scarletzinnia; 12-06-2013 at 04:29 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:48 AM.