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  #51  
Old 11-19-2013, 03:54 PM
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Thanks guys. I appreciate your insights. Meanwhile, since my gf was out of town this weekend, I went out. What an entertaining night! It was so much fun I wrote a story about it.

What a day. I had intended to go to bed early Friday night but just before I turned off the lights, received a message from D. She needed company having planned a trip with three of her friends who all failed to come along. So here she was at midnight, halfway through a voyage aching to verbalize her experience. She was lit up with the light of the moon and illuminated from within due to the nature of her vehicle, my old friend, psilocybin cubensis. D and I live many miles apart but I jumped on her bus anyway and became a virtual passenger for a couple hours until such time as she went back out to meld with the moon. I went to sleep very late then with a more than incidental, long distance contact high.

Saturday started in dreamland and whatever I was dreaming about went on and on until late morning. I got up so late that instead of making a pot of fresh ground Love Buzz fair trade coffee, I drove down to Starbucks where I met Jim. I'd seen him there a couple times before and always meant to find an excuse to introduce myself. He's older, 59, and bald on top with a goatee and a pony tail. He looked interesting so this time I sat down near him and soon was rewarded to overhear a conversation that I could easily jump in on. He works with our local hospital managing a house for people suffering with alcoholism and other dependencies. Right up my alley and the perfect companion while drinking my first cup of joe. Par for the course for the day as I would later discover.

I was in the same mood for making supper as I had been for brewing coffee so rousted my brother and we went out to Es Tas. On our way to the place, I noticed a large group of college aged men and women all dressed in semi-formal attire heading the same way as us. They arrived at the restaurant shortly after we did. My brother and I were already seated at the bar, I was next to a beautiful buxom blond woman who was smiling into her phone, texting with glee. She was absorbed so I turned my attention to the other side of my brother where there were about twelve to fifteen of the semi-formal youngsters lined up to place their drink orders.

My brother is blind so didn't notice that the two cutest girls in the bunch were both using his chair to lean against while they waited. I caught the eye of one of them. She was asian with long black hair to her waist. She broke the ice saying to my brother, "Why do you wear those glasses? It's really dark in here." My brother didn't tell her he was blind but simply said, "To reduce the glare." She looked at me as if I would explain for him but instead I started admiring her dress. It was a black thing with a full zippered back and no sleeves that ended above her knees with a triangle of bare skin above her waist. She had the prettiest dress of all the girls in there and I told her so. By then she was buttered up enough to let me admire her hair too. Little did I know that she was actually working on us.

In retrospect I would have to say that she knew just what she was after. Food. She asked us if we had ever tried their cheese balls and that they were really good and put it just right so that we would order some. They arrived and she took them right off the counter from between us and started feeding them to us. Just one or two each then she absconded with the rest and fed them to her friends. Then our other food arrived and she left us alone for a few minutes but it wasn't long before I looked up from a bite to see her eying my food. She said, "Are their tacos any good?" and "What kind did you get?" Well, it was an order of three so I gave her one and she ate about half of it then got back in between us and started snagging my brother's fries saying, "Mmmm the fries are really good here." She was smooth. She ate some then would feed them to me, sensuously. Then she'd eat some more.

She worked us but I had her introduce me to each of her friends so I could admire their dresses as well, actually having them turn so I could admire front and back. It was fun. I also handed out a few stray compliments to the men tagging along with her friends but I didn't see much mingling. The boys were with the boys and the girls with the girls. And then they all left. It was the first time I had ever gone to a bar and had a girl eat my taco. That was par for the course too because when I got down to the Underground later. It was full of dykes (No offense ladies. This is exactly the term they used to describe themselves)

I was met out front of the Underground with surprise by an old girlfriend, M, who lives in Florida but was in the midwest for family reasons. I knew she was here but didn't expect to see her. Her and I have had a long platonic friendship. I met her a long time ago here at the polyamory community but didn't see her much while she was living with my ex wife after the divorce. It wasn't until after she left my ex that she came to me for commiseration and then we developed a much deeper relationship. So not just a friend from out of town, but a close friend with intimate connections. I went in to drink with her.

M was with her boyfriend, P, and sitting with another couple (who were not a couple) T, a big jolly looking guy, and Z, a beautiful green eyed butch haired woman in a white tshirt and jeans. T surprised me by bringing up Polyamory right away. He mentioned that he often came to the Underground with his wife to meet their lovers. That started a whole roundtable where we all described our relationships. When M got to the part about her relationship with my ex wife, she mentioned my older daughter. That made T perk up and he repeated her name to make sure he had heard it right then started laughing. It turns out that his daughter is my daughter's girlfriend. That realization was the start of a fast friendship.

Meanwhile Z got up for another drink and came back to report that the place was filling up with dykes. T said, "It takes one to know one." Z blushed. Next P went outside to smoke and M beckoned me into the booth beside her and started squeezing me and running her fingers through my hair while I caressed her thigh. I felt loved. I soon left them though to go check out the scene at the Pocket.

I never made it into the pool hall though because I ran into Bubba just as he was coming out the front doors. He was wasted but invited me to walk with him to his room for a nightcap. Now Bubba is not a Bubba like you would imagine. It was his baby name and he didn't grow up into an overall wearing, pudgy redneck but kept the name anyway. I met him at a hippie gathering out West and only recently discovered that he is a wicked lead guitarist for a ska punk band. He's in his early twenties. The night cap wasn't another drink either, it was an exquisite blond hashish reminiscent of what we got from Lebanon in the seventies. I walked back to the Underground on hashish clouds where my friends were even drunker than before. I wished them all a good night then made my way home.
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  #52  
Old 11-19-2013, 10:21 PM
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Sounds like a fun day. Thanks for sharing your story.
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  #53  
Old 11-28-2013, 11:12 PM
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I heard that many times before but while my girlfriend was away I didn't think too much about her return. I just wanted her to have a great time where she was with her husband and kids. That's pretty much all I could think about and wished them well. She was gone ten days. It went by fast.

She was only able to come over for half an hour the first day she was back. We sat on the couch, her in my arms, and she told me bits and pieces about the trip. Then we kissed... and it was such bliss. As I said, she only had a few moments so soon had to go. I walked her to the door and as we hugged, holding each other tight, I felt her solar plexus talking to mine just like we were one person.

She had more time the next day. We snuggled, for three hours we snuggled. Kissing, nibbling ears, holding each other... she told me, "when you touch me, I feel you touching my soul" and "we're like magnets" and although we kept our pants on, those three hours were more blissful than... well, there's no justice in comparing a fine moment like that. We were both in the present, relishing our moments together. That's the epitomy of bliss.

There's so much going on and the future is very uncertain. She says, "I find connection with you like no one else. I don't know what makes it different." I guess i'm not prepared to go into all the details right now. I am totally looking forward to the next night together with her and expect that we will fall deeper into each other. So dynamic.
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  #54  
Old 11-29-2013, 03:25 AM
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Re:
Quote:
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I heard that many times before but while my girlfriend was away I didn't think too much about her return."
Say ... maybe there's times when absence can make the heart grow fonder, without subjecting the heart to lonesomeness. That's a sweet deal.

In general, it sounds like your dyadic relationship is growing in depth and in wholesomeness, and while your trio relationship with her and her husband isn't digging as fast or as deep, it is getting there, little steps at a time.

I like the general tone about how everything went, how well you stood on your own two feet when she couldn't there, and how that calm patience paid off in the sweetest touch and cuddles. My current theory (corrections welcome) is that you and she love sex, but love the cuddling even more. When you were reunited your priorities were, "Let's kiss and cuddle first, we can have sex later!" which speaks to what you were both (patiently) missing.

I feel good about the way things are headed and hope they'll continue to head that way.

Much regards,
Kevin T.
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  #55  
Old 12-03-2013, 05:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
In general, it sounds like your dyadic relationship is growing in depth and in wholesomeness, and while your trio relationship with her and her husband isn't digging as fast or as deep, it is getting there, little steps at a time.

I like the general tone about how everything went, how well you stood on your own two feet when she couldn't there, and how that calm patience paid off in the sweetest touch and cuddles. My current theory (corrections welcome) is that you and she love sex, but love the cuddling even more. When you were reunited your priorities were, "Let's kiss and cuddle first, we can have sex later!" which speaks to what you were both (patiently) missing.
Well, if it hadn't been that time of the month, we would not have stopped at cuddling. It is true though that when we do just cuddle, it's perfectly blissful, not lacking anything, and simply exquisite. After that three hour cuddle, I jokingly told her that we better reserve five hours for our next session of love making. Usually we only need two or three hours but the pent up desire was delightfully obvious. We saved it though and she spent the night Saturday so we had all the time we needed.

So what does everyone think about telling the children? He wants her to come clean to them and actually said that Saturday night was the last overnight until she does. My kids know but they are older. Her youngest is ten and the problem is that when my gf spends time with me, her younger child continuously pesters their dad, asking every twenty minutes or so, "Where's mom?" She's planning to tell them this coming weekend. She said that she doesn't care who knows about us except for her mother in law and that the kids are likely to let it slip so it's causing her some stress. The kids probably already know. I went out with all of them last night. Her, her husband, and both their kids. It seemed from the way the kids looked at me that they knew already.

The trio aspect of the relationship does seem to be moving along smoothly. She actually relayed a message from him where he was asking me for advice about something and we've had some other three way conversation where he chimed in while I was texting her. I feel a lot more comfortable now about how he is accepting her choices. The water is still deep but we've found a good stroke that will keep us afloat.

Elsewhere in local polyamory, the gentleman, T, that I met during my adventure the other weekend is wanting to "get involved in the local polyamory scene". I don't think there is a scene. There's him and his partner and their lovers, my friends that he was out with, my ex wife and her partners, and not too many others that any of us know about. How does one develop a polyamory scene?
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Old 12-04-2013, 11:22 PM
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Hi pcflvly,

Before developing a poly scene, I highly recommend double- and triple-checking that none currently exist anywhere nearby.

Start with the following links:

http://polyamory.meetup.com/
http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=11
http://openingup.net/resources/local-orginizations-u-s/

Also, google "polyamory" with the name of your state, as well as googling "polyamory" with the name of any major city that might be in your vicinity. See if any poly groups pop up.

Now if you do all that and get nothin', then I think my first suggestion would be to build an official group for your area out of the people you already know who are somehow living or connected to a poly life. Make phone calls. Find out who likes which days of the week, which times of the day, and what type of get-together different people prefer.

For example, in Albuquerque the poly group has two monthly events: first, a social, at a restaurant where people just get together, buy/eat grub, and hang out. And second, a potluck at someone's (big enough) house, followed by a discussion about some poly-related topic (or perhaps a viewing of a poly movie followed by some discussion), ending with some casual chit-chat before everyone (a few at a time) heads home.

You need to find out what kinds of events your poly friends are interested in, how often they'd like these events to occur, which (if any) should be child-friendly (or how to arrange perhaps a rotating schedule of volunteers to babysit the kids out of earshot of the adults), and as I said what days and times would work best for different people. Then look for a good intersection of day-and-time that seems doable for the most people, and let everyone know they're invited at the best such upcoming day-and-time available.

In Albuquerque, the social has been on the second Sunday of each month, but I think they might be moving it to a Saturday or Friday. The potlucks (with discussion time) are on the fourth Sunday of each month. There's an official "start" and "stop" time for each of the events, though it's not like they stick to the times with military exactness.

Somewhere around this point in the process, you need to establish some kind of a web presence for your new poly group. A Yahoo.com group if nothing else. Someone needs to be in charge of posting regular announcements of (even just the regular) upcoming events. Try to get hooked up with Google and Yahoo so that your site will come up on future "polyamory" searches other people do for your area.

All those links at the start of this post? Visit those links, acquaint yourself with whoever maintains them, and ask them to add your group to their list. Now, all this web work is outside my area of expertise, so you need to find an ally who's good at web stuff and enlist his/her help. (If you're lucky you might have enough expertise to handle the web stuff yourself.) But these are the things that, in general, I think you'd need to start off with.

After that, hopefully people will start finding your group on the web, attending your events, messaging you on your site, submitting requests and making suggestions and as they do, bring those ideas up to the group and see if you can get votes and consensus on whether to tweak this or that with respect to how your site is run and how and when your events are held.

The Albuquerque group, based largely out of Yahoo on the web but with a Facebook and FetLife presence, has also found that if people show up to an event but don't want to register on the website (e.g. my "Lady Hinge" who doesn't want to get a Yahoo account but does want to get event news and whatnot), it's useful to get those people's email addresses (and really everyone's email address who's registered on the site and attends the events if they're willing to give an email address), and have someone be in charge of sending out "group emails" reminding people of upcoming events and offering road directions and the events' street addresses.

Disclaimer: I've never tried to create/assemble a poly group of my own, so in a way I'm just talking out of my ass. But I'm also offering up what I know of poly groups so far, how they seem to function and what seems to be needed to help ferret polyamorists out of the monogamous crowd and garner interest in event attendance.

Here's a thought. Look for various poly groups that aren't so close to you, but see if you can contact (via phone or email) the leaders of those groups, and get "tricks of the trade" from them, how they keep their groups running smoothly, and how they got their groups started. Major poly centers in the United States include: Seattle, Los Angeles, Austin Texas, and Boston. So why not check out the poly groups in those areas, and see if you can pick the brains of their leaders, and then you'll have more confidence about how you yourself would want to proceed.

Just from what I've written (and seen), it's obvious that creating and maintaining a poly group/scene is a labor of love. Rewarding, but lots and lots of jobs to do and you should probably delegate jobs to reliable people as much as you can so you're not personally doing all the work.

Perhaps some Polyamory.com members have developed poly groups/scenes and will notice this thread and chime in. But if they don't, give some of my above suggestions a whale.

---

Ha; didn't think about the ol' monthly visitor factor. Don'tcha hate it when that happens. My Hinge Lady will still try "full-fledged sex" at those times but she's self-conscious which makes it harder for her to "get in the zone." And there's that embarrassing clean-up factor. Plus, using my Brother-Husband as an example: he's just too spooked by that time of month to approach her in that way at such a time. I don't mind so much though. All has to do with personal preference, I guess.

Anyways, sounds like you and A have had a wonderful reunion, including all that hot and heavy stuff in bed on Saturday night. I like it!

Re: telling the kids ... oooh, don't like the idea that one or more of the kids can't "zip the lip" and keep the secret closeted from nosy in-laws and such. But it sounds like J's not really giving you a choice anyhow, so best just tell the kids and ask them to keep quiet about it if they can. You'll probably need to explain to them the prickly reality that even though polyamory is okay and can be a wonderful way to live and love, it's still something that lots of people wouldn't understand and that's why you need them to help you keep it a secret. Perhaps comparing it to gay couples would help? Homosexual issues are better-known (such as by kids) than poly issues, so you might be able to use it as a comparison.

Kids can be *very* observant so it's often impossible to hide poly stuff from them anyway. Or worse, they might "partly get it" but get the wrong idea, like maybe you and A sneak off together without J knowing about it. Keeping in the closet is easier to do with friends, relatives, and co-workers, than it is with your kids who live with you and can see your comings and goings. So ultimately, J's probably not all wrong to insist that the kids be told. Might as well just tell them and make the best of it.

In this day and age, ten years old isn't all that young. Kids learn about sex and romance pretty fast these days, via school, their friends, TV, the internet, etc.

Not that you should give a ten-year-old a play-by-play description of your sex lives, but it seems safe enough to say, "Hey, pcflvly and Mom are in love, but Mom and Dad are still in love too, and Mom and Dad will still stay together and be here for you, it's just that pcflvly's a very special friend and we'll be seeing a lot of him." Kids tend to worry more about, "How will this affect my [the kid's] life," than they are, "Do I approve of this morally?" I think your biggest challenge is trying to convince the kids to help you keep it on the down-low if they're willing. Good luck and do your best! Kids sure are a blessing, but a mixed blessing at that!

Overall, I think you're slowly but surely settling into this "strange poly life" that fits so awkwardly into the "monogamy-centric world." Things will keep getting easier, little by little. I'm confident about that. Just keep the communication channels flowing as cleanly as you can.

You're doing good, man; keep on truckin'!
Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #57  
Old 12-06-2013, 03:09 AM
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R gets her own letter now. A big beautiful R. She is the flirt we met two months ago, tall and shy with blue eyes and librarian glasses, the girl I was surprised to find out with A while I was out of town. She travelled this fall and just recently got back to town. She found me and A at the pub the other night and we all three spent the evening drinking together but R declined to join us when we left. It seemed like she kind of wanted to though so when I found myself short handed for the job today, I gave her a call. I really did need help and she turned out to be a great worker but I also knew that time spent working together was likely to bring us closer. It did. Nothing too sexy, I simply found out that she definitely admires me. I like her too and we managed to squeeze quite a bit of conversation in while working together. Mostly about relationships. She is married but has been separated for more than a year. A likes her too and likes the idea that we can possibly mix it up a bit.
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Old 12-09-2013, 02:09 AM
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I forgot: What sort of work are you involved in? As far as R goes she sounds like a sweet and respectable person. I hope you guys will continue to get more opportunities to hang out and whatnot.

Ahem; upon reading my prior post I realized it seemed a bit overwhelming, all that work that's involved in starting up a poly scene or group. Honestly I don't know how much (little?) work is involved because I've never been ambitious enough to take on that sort of project myself. Who knows? Maybe if you get some little thing started it will pick up its own steam and you can just "ride the wave." But don't be surprised if the wave calls for a little drudgery!

Best wishes follow you as you continue on your way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 12-10-2013, 06:08 AM
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Quote:
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A likes her too and likes the idea that we can possibly mix it up a bit.

I might have spoke too soon to say that A likes R. A is jealous of R and of anyone attracted to me. Arghh... I haven't even held her hand. I should have kissed her for all the emotional chords having her to my house struck in my girlfriend. I don't like my gf jealous because she beats herself up over it. I told her that I hadn't even kissed R and that I wasn't planning on it. She said that her husband would do R in a minute so I asked her if she would be jealous if he did. She said no. So why do I get the jealousy treatment? She doesn't know either which is why she beats herself up over it.
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Old 12-10-2013, 06:19 AM
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I know of some "jealousy links" that maybe you and A could look up together:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Perhaps that will help.
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