Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-05-2013, 03:31 PM
cmurach cmurach is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 6

Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
After reading through the thread, here is my two cents:

1. He is apparently not willing to own any part of what caused you to break up with him in the first place. Regardless of whether it was poor communication, stress, etc., there were two people in that relationship, and one of the partners - you - felt neglected. Has he acknowledged any of that? If he is viewing that situation in the light of his behavior was the pinnacle of perfection and you just up and freaked out, you have a much bigger problem than the one at hand. You two have reached no mutual understanding as to the original problem. If I have understood this correctly, it is both immature and narcissistic on his part.
Any time I try to bring it up, he gets very upset and defensive, because he feels I am blaming him for the cheating/abandoning. He takes the line that my choices are my choices, and he has no responsibility for them. I will totally own that I made the larger mistakes, that I feel I do have a lot to atone for (I did lie, even if I didn't cheat, I didn't communicate with him, I shut him out, I pushed him away, etc.) But it seems he is not at a place where he wants to discuss his role.

Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
2. He is not willing to be in a committed relationship with you at this time.

3. He has no idea whether he ever will return to wanting a committed relationship with you, has no idea what you can do to make amends (although like the others, I am not sure what you are making amends for), nor a time limit for when he will make up his mind. He just expects you to hang out and wait indefinitely. Whether he realizes it or not he is punishing you. He is setting you up to feel like he did, rather than just learning from the experience and growing up. It's really very childish. And I guarantee, if it goes on to too long it will only breed anger and resentment in you. This is the path to more pain.
Yeah, I admit it probably would. I am okay with him being unsure and needing time, but... I need something, ya know? I either need a time line (of when he can forgive me), a guide line (how I can work to regain his trust), or a guarantee (that he will work with me and make me his focus for some unspecified period of time.) Without any of those, I feel like he just expects me to be a robot, with no thoughts, feelings, or needs of my own.

Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
4. One of you needs to be an adult here, and it sounds like it probably needs to be you. If it were me - and you are not - I would calmly explain to him that you are sorry for the pain you caused him, you have learned from it, you are disappointed that he he cannot forgive you, and you hope dating works well for him, but you are not going to do an indefinite penance. If he finds forgiveness to please let you know.
*Sigh* Yeah. Maybe that is it.

Thanks a lot to everyone who has helped me out and listened to me. I really appreciate it, even though it didn't turn out to be a poly situation.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2013, 04:14 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Originally Posted by cmurach View Post

*Sigh* Yeah. Maybe that is it.

Thanks a lot to everyone who has helped me out and listened to me. I really appreciate it, even though it didn't turn out to be a poly situation.

Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2013, 08:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,282

I agree with Bookbug.

You could be ready. He is not sounding ready. It is a bummer, but it is what it is. If he BECOMES ready? He can look you up and try then.
He won't set any kind of limits. He says any kind of time limit is an expectation I have no right to set, because of how much I hurt him.
No, you cannot set limits on him or what he wants.

But actually, yeah. You CAN set limits for YOURSELF, what YOU want, what YOU are willing to participate in.

If he wants you to serve time making amends and estimates 3-6 mos and that sounds ok to you? You understand what behavior is expected of you and it sounds fair to you? Alright. Maybe you sign up to participate.

But if he's setting a time limit of 30 years? Unknown time? No list of expectations? Just wibbling about in the wind? And that doesn't sound good to you?

You CAN set you own limit of "Nope. That is not clear enough to me."

You CAN request more data. "Could you be willing/able to list WHAT behavior you want me to do for HOW long to make amends? So I can be clear and consider if I'm willing to do that behavior?"

You CAN say no thanks if he does not clarify. "I'm sorry. There is not enough data here at this time for me to be willing to sign up to participate like that. Please let me know in future if you become willing and able to explain in more detail so I can understand better what you seek. I could consider then. "

Then you let it go.

That is not a demand. Or making him do anything. That is YOU not participating in something you don't want to participate in because there's not enough data.

He is free to update or not update.

But he says he doesn't know what sort of amends I'd have to make, what things I could do to regain his trust. He essentially just wants me to keep working at, without reassure, promise, or any kind of feedback from him. Essentially, to "just see."
So... his lack of intrapersonal skills so he can soul search within so he can know his own wants, needs, and limits is holding him back from articulating.

Then he is not able to use his interpersonal skills to tell it to you and explain so that YOU can understand him and his wants, needs, and limits. Then you could both negotiate more effectively if you understand where the other guy is coming from.

He's not willing/able to see that? Or own that?

And yet he STILL wants to you to sign up without knowing what is expected of you, how long it will go on for, how you will both know you have finished making amends, etc? You don't know how to hold each other accountable in the "making amends" time? So you ARE making amends and he isn't using you for a punching bag?

This lack of clarity will lead to you having a more successful second relationship than the first time HOW?

That is not rational request of you.
That is not reasonable request of you.

It could be unhealthy for you to sign up for something like that. Please do not do that!

Again, it sounds like you are ready. But he still isn't.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-05-2013 at 08:43 PM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:26 AM.