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  #11  
Old 12-05-2013, 12:53 PM
cmurach cmurach is offline
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He says if I date other people, he will absolutely be done with me. He says I broke his trust and destroyed him by abandoning him for a fling, that that if I am trying for a relationship with him, I have to be single.

Last night he also reneged on several of the things he said. He said I have no right to have any kind of demands, expectations, reassurances or guarantees from him because of how much I hurt him. So he refuses to not pursue a relationship with someone else, he refuses to put any kind of restrictions around anything.

The truth is, I am naturally monogamous. And up to this point, he has been to. He also says he wants to be monogamous in the future. I just have no idea how to handle this. I feel very scared and worried that I am doing this without any kind of net. I feel like I am conceding absolutely everything, and aside from "seeing" me he isn't compromising in any way.

Any help or advice is welcome....
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  #12  
Old 12-05-2013, 01:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sounds like he's still pretty untrusting of you and processing disappointment.

He just reneged out of the blue? Or HOW you phrased your request triggered him into emotional hooha kind of response?

How old are you guys? Was this his first break up? Has he been cheated on in the past with someone else? How long ago was this?

No judgement -- just trying to figure out where his emotions might be at.

Because YOU didn't cheat. You broke up with him. Moved on. From what I understand so far the emotional "volume" seems more than it merits here.


If these are HARD limits that will never change in time for him? Then it is what it is. I do not suggest you get back together with him, hard is it might feel.

If these are SOFT limits for him for X amount of time, for him to regain trust in you and you are willing to serve that time to make amends for the past before these limits are lifted, that's another thing. How long of a time? Just the 3-6 mos? Then reassess?

If so, if that amount of time is worth it to you, then maybe you do meet his requests.

Maybe he's got jealousy fear? If so, maybe reading this together could help?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Galgirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-05-2013 at 01:27 PM.
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  #13  
Old 12-05-2013, 02:07 PM
cmurach cmurach is offline
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I'm 28 and he's 26. We've been dating since he was 19. We broke up for 2 years in the middle there. We were not in contact; I dated other people, he did not. So I'm essentially the only person he's dated since freshman year of college. He hasn't been cheated on in the past, but both of us suffer from a similar problem of not feeling good enough for our partner and so always terrified they'll leave us.

Part of the reason I wanted to give us another shot is because I feel like I've wrestled down some of that insecurity. This summer, I pushed him away because I was so sure he was going to reject me. Now, I don't feel that way. I feel I am worthy of love, that someone would be lucky to have me, and that in a relationship I wont' push someone away out of fear of rejection.

He won't set any kind of limits. He says any kind of time limit is an expectation I have no right to set, because of how much I hurt him. But he says he doesn't know what sort of amends I'd have to make, what things I could do to regain his trust. He essentially just wants me to keep working at, without reassure, promise, or any kind of feedback from him. Essentially, to "just see."

Is that fair, do you think?
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  #14  
Old 12-05-2013, 02:11 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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You may find it useful to read this thread: Monos Who Claim to be Poly - Why Do I Care?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmurach View Post
I thought perhaps he could present himself as poly (while I will remain mono), so anyone he goes out with knows he's not looking for anything long-term or serious.
The trouble with using a word that already exists is that people tend to assume that it still means what it meant the last time they heard it. He can identify as poly if he wishes to, hell, he can identify as an aardvark if he chooses, but if he's not a complete douche he should explain to any potentials that his definition probably doesn't match the one with which they are familiar. It's not ethical to pull a bait 'n switch if he's really mono and just out to sow his wild oats.

That said, from what you've told us this situation has "Disaster" written all over it. It sounds not so much like he wants to date for a while, but that he wants to rub your nose in the fact that he's doing it. These women that he hopes to lure in with the poly label aren't going to be relationship material, they're weapons he can use against you.

Edit:
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmurach View Post
Is that fair, do you think?
No. In my opinion it's not. Are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to make restitution for something you did when you weren't even in a relationship with him? That's complete and utter bullshit. If you act like a doormat he'll keep treating you like one.

Last edited by Emm; 12-05-2013 at 02:14 PM.
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  #15  
Old 12-05-2013, 02:18 PM
cmurach cmurach is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
You may find it useful to read this thread: Monos Who Claim to be Poly - Why Do I Care?

The trouble with using a word that already exists is that people tend to assume that it still means what it meant the last time they heard it. He can identify as poly if he wishes to, hell, he can identify as an aardvark if he chooses, but if he's not a complete douche he should explain to any potentials that his definition probably doesn't match the one with which they are familiar. It's not ethical to pull a bait 'n switch if he's really mono and just out to sow his wild oats.

That said, from what you've told us this situation has "Disaster" written all over it. It sounds not so much like he wants to date for a while, but that he wants to rub your nose in the fact that he's doing it. These women that he hopes to lure in with the poly label aren't going to be relationship material, they're weapons he can use against you.

Edit:No. In my opinion it's not. Are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to make restitution for something you did when you weren't even in a relationship with him? That's complete and utter bullshit. If you act like a doormat he'll keep treating you like one.
Why do you think they won't be relationship material, but weapons? Not saying you're wrong, just curious why you think he isn't genuinely trying to see what's out there and experience other things? Or that he isn't genuinely trying to move on, and that I'm just a back-up option?

I get what you're saying about me not cheating. I think he believes I did, because while we were broken up in the summer, we were also still talking and hanging out and occasionally hooking up. So I think he saw it as a temporary break-up, with us getting back together once stuff was "figured out".... much the way I'm seeing it now, I guess.
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  #16  
Old 12-05-2013, 02:22 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I agree with Emm, this won't work, he wants to hurt you and he is using other people to do it, this is SO far away from what poly IS (and I don't think anyone would disagree with that particular generalisation!

He cannot use others just to get back at you and you cannot allow yourself to be used that way. If he is too immature to forgive you without this destructive behaviour than you are probably better off without him. He just wants to cause you the same sort of pain he felt but it is BS I am afraid. Cut your losses and tell him to sling his hook and enjoy the look on his pathetic weasly face when he realises you have called his bluff and taken control back into your life!

Wanker!
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  #17  
Old 12-05-2013, 02:36 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cmurach View Post
Why do you think they won't be relationship material, but weapons?
Because that's the way you've been describing him and your relationship with him; I have only your words to go on. As for the cheating/not cheating side of things, either he gets over it or he doesn't. Personally I don't think he has any right to hold something you did while broken up against you, but emotional responses aren't always logical. You can't change what he feels or how he acts, but it's up to you to decide if you're going to put up with his behaviour and spend the rest of your life apologising for it or not. I wouldn't, but I'm not you.
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  #18  
Old 12-05-2013, 03:08 PM
cmurach cmurach is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Because that's the way you've been describing him and your relationship with him; I have only your words to go on. As for the cheating/not cheating side of things, either he gets over it or he doesn't. Personally I don't think he has any right to hold something you did while broken up against you, but emotional responses aren't always logical. You can't change what he feels or how he acts, but it's up to you to decide if you're going to put up with his behaviour and spend the rest of your life apologising for it or not. I wouldn't, but I'm not you.
I don't mind apologizing for it. I just don't want to be punished for it, if that makes sense.

If he wants to pursue other people while making me his primary, I think I can work with that. (I'm sorry if I am making a complete hash of poly philosophy; I am very new to this.) I think I could even be okay with him sewing his wild oats if there's some certainty of him making me a priority or coming back to me.

I am okay with spending a few months, heck, even a year, working to rebuild his trust in me. But in the meantime, I don't want to be punished... When I say punished, I mean him insisting I work on rebuilding trust/the relationship with him putting in no effort whatsoever, because his focus is on other people for a monogamous relationship.

So far as I can tell, he isn't planning on being poly in a long-term or dedicated way (which, for me personally, would be tough but if that's what he wanted, to have me as a primary partner and someone else as a fellow girlfriend, I could come to deal with that.) To me, that feels like he's using me as an option/emotional outlet while testing out other girls. Which means he isn't putting any effort into us. So I'm doing all the work, and everything is on his terms. Heck, it even bothers me at the thought that I'm working on stuff, and the girls he's going out with think he's interested in a relationship, and have no idea I'm in the picture.

He's either lying to me, or lying to them, is my perspective.

I apologize if my thread has kind of gone wandering. I came here really thinking this could be a potentially poly thing. But our latest conversation seems like poly would just be a smokescreen.
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  #19  
Old 12-05-2013, 03:18 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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After reading through the thread, here is my two cents:

1. He is apparently not willing to own any part of what caused you to break up with him in the first place. Regardless of whether it was poor communication, stress, etc., there were two people in that relationship, and one of the partners - you - felt neglected. Has he acknowledged any of that? If he is viewing that situation in the light of his behavior was the pinnacle of perfection and you just up and freaked out, you have a much bigger problem than the one at hand. You two have reached no mutual understanding as to the original problem. If I have understood this correctly, it is both immature and narcissistic on his part.

2. He is not willing to be in a committed relationship with you at this time.

3. He has no idea whether he ever will return to wanting a committed relationship with you, has no idea what you can do to make amends (although like the others, I am not sure what you are making amends for), nor a time limit for when he will make up his mind. He just expects you to hang out and wait indefinitely. Whether he realizes it or not he is punishing you. He is setting you up to feel like he did, rather than just learning from the experience and growing up. It's really very childish. And I guarantee, if it goes on to too long it will only breed anger and resentment in you. This is the path to more pain.

4. One of you needs to be an adult here, and it sounds like it probably needs to be you. If it were me - and you are not - I would calmly explain to him that you are sorry for the pain you caused him, you have learned from it, you are disappointed that he he cannot forgive you, and you hope dating works well for him, but you are not going to do an indefinite penance. If he finds forgiveness to please let you know.
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  #20  
Old 12-05-2013, 03:29 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
If he finds forgiveness to please let you know.
And then, and this is the important part, do whatever you feel is best for you, not what is least likely to retroactively piss him off if he does decide to get back in touch. Otherwise you're just extending the punishment period indefinitely for the benefit of someone you're not even dating.
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