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  #21  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:59 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
In some poking around online recently, I found that I seem to fall into the "demisexual" bracket - that I don't really GET attracted to people until there's a connection. There's no lust for the hottie at the bar, that type of thing (although I can certainly aesthetically appreciate a nice-looking person ).

No desire to use it as a label for myself, but it explains that piece of me very well, I think. It's also why all this dating talk is kind of speculative for me, since I'd have to be in the situation where I'm either online dating or doing something else where I'm spending a lot of time in the "getting to know you" phase. I really haven't been in that situation.
Thats neat. Didn't realize there was a label for that, I suppose there is a label for anything though.

I am the opposite. I can develop a deep lust or craving without even knowing the person. Actually I tend to develop lust, physcial connection and then emotional connection. Its rare to go the other way.

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Actually, the incident that put me off most happened when I was "just fucking". Basically this guy started trying to like cuckold my partners by saying things like "If you were getting good sex, you wouldn't be here now". I really thought this guy understood the poly thing and that I wouldn't be okay with him saying those kinds of things.
Just plain poor form. Unfortunate you had that experience
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  #22  
Old 12-03-2013, 08:42 PM
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I am the opposite. I can develop a deep lust or craving without even knowing the person. Actually I tend to develop lust, physcial connection and then emotional connection. Its rare to go the other way.
I have never really paid attention, but I *think* it is the same for me. I initially became poly because I am just so damn horny all the time. Definitely I have much stronger lust feelings in the beginning, but it is pretty quick - Sex is tied very tightly to emotions with me. Touch is my "love language" so it is too difficult for me to do the one night stand thing. At least, that was my thought but I did have a hookup a short while back and I didn't get all wrapped up with the guy. Prolly that was more because he was so terribly awkward in the sack though. Lol
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  #23  
Old 12-04-2013, 07:17 AM
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I absolutely don't want to be someone's "experiment" with non monogamy.
Myself, I wouldn't write it off completely, but I would certainly keep some walls up and we would never be all that close. But I find value in many levels of relationships, I don't feel the need to go "all in" with everyone to get something that benefits us both. I also wouldn't ever change any plans I had to make time for them, for example.

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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
In some poking around online recently, I found that I seem to fall into the "demisexual" bracket - that I don't really GET attracted to people until there's a connection. There's no lust for the hottie at the bar, that type of thing (although I can certainly aesthetically appreciate a nice-looking person ).

No desire to use it as a label for myself, but it explains that piece of me very well, I think.
I can relate to both of those statements. I like finding labels just for the sake of exploring other aspects of people who identify with them and seeing if I can learn anything that resonates with me. Once I absorb the parts that interest me, I promptly abandon the label.

I also didn't realize that's what demisexual meant. I've heard the term once or twice, but didn't give it much thought. I'd say that description works for me, as well. I can appreciate the aesthetic attractiveness of a stranger ("Wow, she's pretty. I like her cheekbones."), but it never gives me that tingly feeling between my legs.
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  #24  
Old 12-04-2013, 07:28 AM
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Myself, I wouldn't write it off completely, but I would certainly keep some walls up and we would never be all that close. But I find value in many levels of relationships, I don't feel the need to go "all in" with everyone to get something that benefits us both. I also wouldn't ever change any plans I had to make time for them, for example.
That's kind of how I've been, but I have been thinking about what would change this. As in, how long would we have this casual, cool relationship where they seemingly are fine with me being poly before I let those barriers down? How long until a Didn't Even Know becomes a fully fledged Noob? But perhaps the reason they were cool is because it was casual and when it becomes serious, they'll freak out.
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  #25  
Old 12-04-2013, 12:47 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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LDRs and me don't match up too well - I have learned that with my boyfriend, M. He lives 40 minutes away...
40 minutes travel makes it a LDR? Wow. That means I'm successfully maintaining 3 LDRs at once and have been for a few years now.
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  #26  
Old 12-04-2013, 12:55 PM
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Emm - it is, when for half the time he didn't have a vehicle and I have to drive up over a mountain to get there. Now he does have a car, but it is being shared with his wife and most of the time he can't use it for various reasons. I can count on one finger the number of times he has driven it to my house. So, it very much seems like a LDR to me! I have a mini van and it's $15 for gas per round trip. (Again, mountain!) That makes getting a cup of coffee a little bit more of an expensive proposition! It's something I am willing to do, and can afford to do, but it isn't at all the same as if someone could drive to me half the time, or if they lived less than 5 miles from my house - which my new potential, B, can and does.
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  #27  
Old 12-04-2013, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I also didn't realize that's what demisexual meant. I've heard the term once or twice, but didn't give it much thought. I'd say that description works for me, as well. I can appreciate the aesthetic attractiveness of a stranger ("Wow, she's pretty. I like her cheekbones."), but it never gives me that tingly feeling between my legs.
Yup, and it gave me the "light bulb" moment when I realized that I've never gone all tingly for a celebrity, or a hot bod, or even someone we kinda barely knew. When my friends were swooning over wanting to go to bed with someone, I was like, "Well, he's hot..". but I didn't share their enthusiasm and was kind of personally "icked out" by the idea of going to bed with someone I didn't know or trust.

Before finding the label, I always said it was because I needed to trust someone before getting intimate with them. Who knows if that's part of it or not, or just some brain/emotional connection thing that happens a bit differently from most. I just know that it hasn't really been a problem in my life - just makes my "going to bed with someone" pool a bit smaller. I don't really mind that.
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  #28  
Old 12-04-2013, 03:21 PM
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40 minutes is long distance? Murf lives 23 miles from me. It takes 40 minutes to make that drive or more if there are trucks or etc. I have to cross a mountain orand dodge several others.. We live in the Coal hills of Pennsylvania. Heck I live against a mountain and the town I live in is between several more.

I make that trip twice a week or more. He makes it occasionally to but I head down his way mostly. I think the nature of your boyfriends restrictions due to his wife are the issue. Why can't your boyfriend get a car of his own? If he saved the money he spent on non needed items he could have a car. If I remember right he is a stay at home Dad to a teen. Why doesn't he work even part time to get a second car.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 12-04-2013 at 10:29 PM.
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  #29  
Old 12-04-2013, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
That's kind of how I've been, but I have been thinking about what would change this. As in, how long would we have this casual, cool relationship where they seemingly are fine with me being poly before I let those barriers down?
Part of "accepting" a casual relationship means that you don't have the intention of building it to something serious. It is what it is, and you value it for that, not for what you want it to become.

That said, things can also grow organically. But I don't think you can put a definite time limit on it. Rather than "how long?" I would be asking "what signs am I looking for?"

So the signs I would look for is that they were reading everything they can about polyamory, educating themselves on how to cope with jealousy and communication, asking questions, setting up a support network outside the relationship, getting their needs met despite not being in a monogamous relationship, etc. In other words, they would have to show me that they value our relationship and are willing to invest enough energy that they won't throw it away over greener pastures.

On the flip side, there's something to be said for loving and losing. People come into your lives for a reason, you learn what you need to from them, and then they leave. It doesn't have to be permanent to be valuable. Afterwards, overcoming the pain of their loss is an opportunity for growth. So putting up barriers for non-poly people isn't a hard and fast rule that I live by. It's more that I put up barriers for people whom I sense aren't really that serious. But I would rather love someone passionately for 6 months and then lose them, than kinda sorta like them for 10 years.
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  #30  
Old 12-05-2013, 03:19 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't avoid "mono people" unless it is someone who blatantly says he is looking for his One and Only or something like that. I feel that there are plenty of guys out there who would be cool with non-exclusivity but may never have heard the word "polyamory" or don't understand fully what it really means. I don't mind educating them if there is a strong attraction between us. Why pass up something that could be really good based on an assumption that he is mono and would not be ideal? I was monogamous for 50 years before I discovered polyamory.

I tend not to classify potential dates into poly or mono, or other categories like "wants long-term" or "casual fling only," until I get some kindof feel for who they are and what they're about - and that takes some communication. I like to see what the dynamic is and if we hit it off first. It would be part of our getting-to-know-you stage, but I have no formula for when such things are discussed. Not sure if I made sense. I know this has been discussed here before and I recall some interesting perspectives being shared in another thread a while back.
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