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  #11  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:59 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
If my partner insisted on meeting my other partners when he knew that is something they don't want, i would think that they have problems respecting boundaries and end the relationship.
In some cases that makes sense to me (casual friends or relationships, long distance relationships, and that does include if the OP considers their relationship such), but I find it much more dysfunctional feeling to be in a relationship that I want to last far into the future, and have a metamour OR friend of a partner that's been around for 17 years and might want to be around for 17 more, avoiding me for the rest of my life. And in this case, it seems like more than not wanting to meet me, it'd also be refusing to go to events, birthday and holiday parties if I might be there so they don't have to meet me, if I moved in with this partner some day, the other party would refuse to come to our shared home unless I'll be out, I'd be unable to come home if the other person is over and my plans out fall through. So yeah - if DADT doesn't work for one party short term, trying to deal with it long term isn't too appealing.

If you start dating somebody who is DADT, it is inappropriate to insist that the other partner meet you, however as her partner had broken up with the other partner and this isn't the case, I don't find it unreasonable to ask "for relationships we start/rekindle from this point on, it's important to me that I have the option to meet them". And yep, that might end a relationship for me, but since I don't see there is any healthy motivation for them not to meet, just fear and jealousy and anger, that would likely be the preferred outcome over being compartmentalized for those reasons. Nevertheless, in this case asking to meet is *not* a boundary pushing behavior because her gf is not dating the ex so there's not DADT agreement in effect, and it's perfectly reasonable IMO to try to sort this out with the gf. *shrug*
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Old 12-03-2013, 05:05 PM
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the question i think i need to be asking myself is that if the reunion happens how much co-dependency will i put up with - where is my threshold? i've got to dig a little deeper here.
I like it; this keeps your energy focused on your actions and feelings while at the same time being vigilant in keeping an eye out for a potentially deteriorating situation.
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  #13  
Old 12-03-2013, 05:27 PM
london london is offline
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Just because someone doesn't want to meet their metamours, it doesn't make it a DADT. Not wanting to meet your metamours doesn't mean you won't be civil to them when they come to your paramours bday party either. Some people just have no interest or need to formally meet their metamour or spend time with them.

ETA I got confused about this thread. I just wouldn't be comfortable with anyone insisting on meeting a reluctant partner. Meeting metamours isn't something that has to happen and the Insistence that they meet insinuates that meeting is the right thing rather than something some people do.

Last edited by london; 12-03-2013 at 05:30 PM.
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Old 12-03-2013, 05:56 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Just because someone doesn't want to meet their metamours, it doesn't make it a DADT. Not wanting to meet your metamours doesn't mean you won't be civil to them when they come to your paramours bday party either. Some people just have no interest or need to formally meet their metamour or spend time with them.
Yes, that's true, but I was getting wordy and using it in a nice loose way as in this case the gf and ex had one, and I've seen people have DADT that range from no mention of other partners at all and lying about where you are going to be that night, to minimalizing mention of, and avoiding addressing that other parties are romantic or sexual partners and refusing to meet them.

I'm not clear in this case the ex is willing to meet in a social setting. I consider a brief introduction of 15 seconds at a social situation to be meeting however, and that would tick my box. Having been ignored "civilly" at a couple of social situations by the partner of a friend and a metamour in the last few years, it's just clarified how important it is to me that people are willing to be say hi or nod in greeting if they are 5 feet from me, and not pretend I'm not there if they are uncomfortable. I had no idea how fucking awkward that would be until it actually happened, never expected it, and I know for me at least, it isn't workable in the future.

Sounds quite feasible that not meeting the ex could be tolerable if the gf didn't vent or tell the OP about the issues she has with the ex though, I can do compartmentalized if its actually compartmentalized, but not if things are bleeding over into my relationship like that.
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Old 12-03-2013, 06:18 PM
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I really appreciate this continued conversation. Thanks for giving voice to some of my concerns in a way I wasn't able to. Reading others words so succinct, coherent and clean helps tremendously in helping sort out my feelings.


My gf has always done dadt and is scared but willing to give our unfolding without it a chance. We thankfully do not share many social circles so chance run-ins and accidental bumping into problems are greatly reduced. That being said there have been 2 - 3 events where we've *almost* had run ins with the ex (since they broke up) and it did impact my gf. She got nervous and developed an escape route plan. This impacts me because I would have potentially been left on my own. That sucks.

The ex does not want to meet, refused to meet while they were together and likely will not want to meet me moving forward.


As far as meeting partners or not, this is just how I do my non-monogamy. I am not forcing anyone to comply with this standard but have found it significantly reduced anxiety and amplified calmness to see and chat with the person. Doesn't have to be a huge big deal just a simple meeting. I did have one situation where I was the primary and the secondary who'd been on the scene longer than me requested the meet. She wanted to make agreements specifically with me so there wouldn't be triangulation in communication with the person we shared. I felt incredibly reassured by this. A simple gesture of kindness and respect goes a long to dismantling the panic button. Not every situation will work out that way but I like striving for this in my relations.
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