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  #11  
Old 12-01-2013, 08:30 PM
hersweetleaf hersweetleaf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Sorry. It's not unique. ....I know others in your same situation. It's poly. . If you need a label. I think most would classify as polyfi. Stop worrying and do what feels right
i meant we are unique as in people. not situation.
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  #12  
Old 12-01-2013, 10:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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To me, if your potential GF is going to be with her BF only, then it is a "closed polyship " or a "polyfidelitious" arrangement of 4 people.

If she is going to be dating others, it is an "open polyship" to me because even though you and husband are closed to each other and the GF, the GF herself is not closed to just you two or you two and her BF. She's dating others too. So the polyship as a whole is not closed. If you wanted to use "partially closed" or "partially open" that could also work since (1 partner open) is different than (all 4 partners open) to dating more and maybe you want to make that distinction.


Maybe this article
helps you with vocab for relationship models?

Ultimately what you want to use for vocab is up to you guys. But I get that being able to say "something like an X" is helpful shorthand.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-01-2013 at 10:32 PM.
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  #13  
Old 12-01-2013, 11:52 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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The two of you can be polyfidelitous without everyone in the relationship needing to be. The relationship isn't if not everyone is, though.

Similarly, if the BF is mono, for instance (it's just an example), that doesn't make the whole relationship mono. But he doesn't stop being mono because his partner isn't.

Anyway, poly works as a general term. You don't necessarily need to specify you are not interested in new partners, unless it's relevant at the time you mention it
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  #14  
Old 12-02-2013, 08:20 PM
hersweetleaf hersweetleaf is offline
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thanks guys. it helps a lot, even though we aren't trying to mold ourselves into a label, its nice to have the words.

im not even sure if this is going to work out. she was suppose to come over last night, I confirmed at noon that day, all was good. then at 630 she said she was tired and wanted to stay home, but would make it up to us today by coming over for the seahawks game and walking dead, but im disappointed. she said she was tired and was going to sleep off the night before, but facebook tells you where people are when your chatting and she wasn't at home. this is a huge step back for us. lying is a huge deal, especially when we are opening ourselves and our marriage for her, because we have feelings.

when and if she even comes over tonight, hubs and I are going to bring up the honesty and the fact that if she wanted to go hang out with the bf or whoever instead, then to just be honest about it instead of lying and making excuses. I feel as though I tend to process more than most, I want EVERYTHING on the table, 100% honest. you cannot have a successful life, partnership, relationship or anything without being honest. not everyone likes to process, but im super into psychology and this whole thing is a huge psychological journey for us so it is very important to know how everyone else is during this.

we will see how the cards fall tonight.
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  #15  
Old 12-02-2013, 10:07 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Regarding your need for honesty, make sure you clarify what that means to you. "We need honesty" is fine to say, but honesty is a wishy-washy term. It means different things to different people and in different contexts.

If she was telling a lie, then that's dishonest by just about any metric. But how do you feel about omissions? Many people don't consider omissions to be dishonest. Some people value privacy above or equal to honesty. So to that end, your need to have everything on the table may not be compatible with her need to have privacy.

Also make sure you're creating a safe space to tell the truth. She may have feared criticism for cancelling your plans. She needs to know that she can tell you the truth and even though you might be disappointed, you won't give her a hard time or try to change her mind.
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  #16  
Old 12-02-2013, 11:27 PM
hersweetleaf hersweetleaf is offline
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Quote:
If she was telling a lie, then that's dishonest by just about any metric. But how do you feel about omissions? Many people don't consider omissions to be dishonest. Some people value privacy above or equal to honesty. So to that end, your need to have everything on the table may not be compatible with her need to have privacy.
the only reason I said lying and dishonesty is because, we had plans. solid, talked to you a few hours earlier" type of deal. and then all of a sudden, shes not at home like she said she was, and is not talking to me, we haven't heard from her today, despite her being on facebook and her insatiable need to "make it up to us" by cooking us dinner and watching the game with us.

if she doesn't want to tell us stuff, that's fine, but when it comes to this sort of thing, when feelings are developing, there shouldn't be anything held back. right?

tonight is her last chance, and so far its looking grim to say the least.
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  #17  
Old 12-03-2013, 05:10 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hersweetleaf View Post
the only reason I said lying and dishonesty is because, we had plans.
Wasn't disagreeing with that. Even if you hadn't had plans, saying you're at home when you're somewhere else is lying. I could have been more clear by saying something like "Telling a lie is dishonest." and omitting the "if."

Quote:
if she doesn't want to tell us stuff, that's fine, but when it comes to this sort of thing, when feelings are developing, there shouldn't be anything held back. right?
Again, depends what you mean by "anything." Not knowing every detail about your budding romantic partner doesn't limit your ability to develop feelings for them, unless you allow it to. In that case, it would be your own limitation that prohibits developing feelings, rather than them holding back.

Should she tell you that she had sex with an HIV positive person 6 years ago, even though her tests since then have all come back negative? Some people would say yes, others would say no. There's no correct answer -- what matters is agreeing on an answer that works for the people involved. Many people would believe that, having tested negative, the fact that they once slept with an HIV positive person is irrelevant to their present circumstances. Others would want to know because it could indicate a tendency to take risks. Those are the kinds of things that need to be discussed with regards to honesty. It's important to agree with your partners on what omissions are compatible with honesty in your own lives.
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  #18  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:09 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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She didn't feel like hanging out with you two the other night, and didn't want to hurt your feelings so she fibbed about being tired. I've done it myself, and I suspect most people have. Sure, it's a lie, a white one. I don't think this necessarily indicates that she would be a liar about things that are actually important. At worst, she's a bit of a flake. I am assuming you hadn't already cooked her a four-course dinner or bought event tickets for the evening, and her canceling didn't mean you spent the evening alone, you had your husband with you.

While I personally would prefer dental surgery, without Novocaine, over dating a committed couple as a potential "third," I sure would run far, far away from ANY potential partner who was stalking me on Facebook and wanting me to account for my time.
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  #19  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:27 PM
hersweetleaf hersweetleaf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post

While I personally would prefer dental surgery, without Novocaine, over dating a committed couple as a potential "third," I sure would run far, far away from ANY potential partner who was stalking me on Facebook and wanting me to account for my time.
that was kind of mean. im not stalking, if I was stalking wouldn't I be trying to go to her house and sit outside of her window or something?

its really not my fault that facebook tells you where people are. its pretty much my only form of communication since my phone barely works.

I feel slightly deflated now.
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  #20  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:45 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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im not stalking, if I was stalking wouldn't I be trying to go to her house and sit outside of her window or something?

Nope.

From the Wikipedia entry on "stalking": Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person or monitoring them.

I am not saying that looking at her FB was wrong. I am also not saying that you don't have a right to be hurt that she blew you off. What I am saying is, confronting her about her whereabouts that night crosses a line into stalker behavior.

Considering that it sounds like this woman isn't even sure she wants to be in a romantic relationship with you two, you would be smart to just mellow out.
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