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Old 12-03-2013, 03:36 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 48
Question Differences in what people need in relationships

I can relate to things colorswolf and london are saying in this thread.

I am very young but have recently done a lot of exploring. Realizing certain personality traits and personal needs that align with my beliefs. I deeply desire freedom and independence. When I feel controlled or held back I feel smothered and I run. My therapist pointed out I find myself in the dynamic of distancer vs pursuer in my relationships. I need a lot of space to be myself and if I feel limitations being put on me, or my time and energy overly drained, I push. While my lovers (gf, really) she needs much less space and craves closeness. She doesn't really have a need for personal boundaries or time.

In this overhaul I've been working on lately of discovering my needs and relationship goals, I've come to realize how truly poly I am. I am in my first "poly" relationship. I've been with my bf for 7 yrs and gf 3. So 3 years into this two relationship experience. I am the hinge of the v.

My gf is mono. It scares me. I am starting to wonder if she will ever accept who I am. She puts up with the fact I'm w my bf and has recently put forth more effort to be friends w him. But I know if she had her choice I'd be mono. Her brain just isn't wired like mine and being with multiple people doesn't make sense and isn't a want or need of hers. But she "does it bc she loves me." I am in no way keeping her captive here. I believe people should have the freedom to live their life to their liking. It's confusing for me to wonder if she will truly accept and be okay with my desire and I should stay patient, or if we are just fundamentally different in the way we view love.

I deeply desire a fully open relationship like some of you were talking about in the other thread. I am extremely social and intensely enjoy connecting with others. It's difficult for me to contain or hold back feelings or affection for those I care about. It doesn't make sense to me to limit your love. It doesn't make sense to cut yourself off from what could be amazing experiences or even just a chance to learn something about yourself with someone else.

My bf is more on the same page as me. He gets me. He is poly. Still struggles with jealousy about me being with other men but is working on it. My gf on the other hand wants me to herself. She is more okay when she's involved like any hook ups we've had together. But even those tend to make her a little jealous.

I have been quite patient (I originally expressed my desires about a year ago and have been taking things slow since then) but keep seeing my gf take one step forward and then 2 steps back. It's very frustrating. I have proven myself to be loyal, that even though I desire other relationships, I am fully committed and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not sure what else I can do to ease this jealousy. I'm having a hard time remaining patient. I have so much love and affection to give and desire to explore, I am bubbling over.

I want to remain honest and open. I just want to be understood, accepted and trusted. It's very frustrating being unable to be myself.

Idk whether to continue working on patience and helping her feel secure and/or to express my concern about my needs not getting met. Navigating through polyamory has been a challenge for me to recognize the line and find the balance between standing my ground and building the life I want (while taking care of those I love) and being selfish.

Thoughts? Thanks.

Last edited by nycindie; 12-05-2013 at 05:14 AM. Reason: adjustments to new thread
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