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  #11  
Old 12-03-2013, 06:56 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
you, the vanilla girlfriend
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juliana View Post
Oh and ps to whoever said that I am vanilla
Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
No, that is not what was said.
...
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #12  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:19 AM
london london is offline
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Oh and ps to whoever said that I am vanillaand thatkinky people prefer sub relationships,
Quote:
No, that is not what was said. What was said that for a kinky person, a kinky partner offers extra compatibilty
Op identified as not sub, she said she was above sub, or said he said that but I think she probably projected that belief onto his words.

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He (the non marital partner) is a dom, but considers me his girlfriend, spiritual and life partner and a queen more than a sub.
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  #13  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:45 AM
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Are you claiming that only subs and Doms are kinky and that anyone who is in a non-D/s relationship is vanilla?

That you are even aware of the term "vanilla" implies you have enough exposure to know otherwise.

Gralson and I do not have a power exchange relationship, but we're anything but vanilla. Would you care to see our collection of floggers, paddles, ropes, and clothespins?
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #14  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:50 AM
london london is offline
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The OP said she isn't a sub, she is a girlfriend. You saw that right? She doesnt have a PE relationship with this guy. No idea what they do in the bedroom butshe said that she is his girlfriend. OP is his girlfriend, other woman is his sub. OP thought that all subs would automatically be beneath her place as girlfriend, she found out she was wrong.

Kinky sex is all good but many people want the wider relationship too, so regardless of what OP does in the bedroom, someone who is up for a PE will have added compatibility. So no, someone who doesn't have PE relationships but does have kinky sex isn't necessarily vanilla but they also lack the added compatibility someone who wants PE relationships seeks.

I'm not saying that the OP has no place in his life anymore, but it isn't surprising that he, a Dom has found a compatible sub, and has fallen head over heels.
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  #15  
Old 12-03-2013, 09:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Juliana, it sounds like you're feeling a loss because what you had before has changed, and you weren't prepared for it. Maybe you're wishing that life could go back how it was, and mourning over the realization that this wish will not come true.

Your polyship has moved from one where you are in more of a "primary" role to more of an "equality" role. That in itself isn't so bad. After all, you are married and so your non-marital partner has always been in a less-focused role than your spouse. Perhaps you can empathize with him wanting to have a partner in his life who is available for a more full-time type relationship.

It seems as though the biggest hurdle is overcoming your expectation that the situation was never going to change, and now it has. As mere humans, we have a tendency to get attached to certain arrangements and outcomes. While we're well within our rights to fight for those outcomes, usually it's more productive to change our expectations to be more in line with the facts.

If you've been polyamorous for 20 years, then you've probably been in relationships where you were not their sun and stars. From now on, this relationship will be just like those. The only difference is that this time, you recall another arrangement with him. You may even feel the need to mourn the loss of this arrangement, as it was clearly very precious to you. Going forwards, you're likely to find more happiness in the new arrangement by letting go of the attachment you have to the "primary" role and remembering that he can share his love with other partners without taking love away from you.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #16  
Old 12-03-2013, 09:34 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
No idea what they do in the bedroom butshe said that she is his girlfriend.
Exactly. You have no idea what they do in the bedroom, so why label her as vanilla?

You're always free to read between the lines, but that means sometimes you'll guess wrong. When someone points out that you guessed wrong, the graceful response is "oops, I misunderstood, sorry" and not to keep arguing your point just because you won't admit your mistake.

Quote:
I'm not saying that the OP has no place in his life anymore, but it isn't surprising that he, a Dom has found a compatible sub, and has fallen head over heels.
Maybe not, but it's unkind to dig around in the wound of someone who is hurting. If someone is told that their relationship will be treated as a priority, and then that changes, it's natural to feel shocked and devastated. Telling her she should have seen it coming is not helpful advice and contributes nothing to the discussion, aside from pumping up your own sense of superiority. Mislabelling her only salts the wound.

I've made the point I have to make. Knowing your argument style and your need to have the last word, I don't expect you to let it lie, but I will disengage from discussion on the matter.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #17  
Old 12-03-2013, 09:53 AM
london london is offline
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It was the OP that differentiated her relationship as the girlfriend (a vanilla relationship model) from the other woman's relationship as a sub (a kink relationship model) and assumed the kink relationship model would be inferior to the vanilla relationship model. This has nothing to do who has what type of sex, it is to do with relationship models.
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  #18  
Old 12-03-2013, 09:59 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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OMG, some people are just real gits you know that?

This woman was obviously upset and jealous and self aware enough to say so!

Do you know how many people we get here who lack self awareness and come on here demonising metamours because they don't realise that the problem lies with them and not the other person?

This OP recognised her problems and was asking for help to deal and the first responses she gets are 'Spoilt brat' and (presumably, I have "London" on ignore) indicating she is incompatible with her partner?

Shame on you! Pathetic responses, if you are unable to even understand what an OP needs, why bother responding at all.

Good Grief, you shame us all.
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  #19  
Old 12-03-2013, 10:04 AM
london london is offline
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I didn't say she was incompatible, I said a kinky partner has added compatibility with a kinky person thus it is illogical to think that a vanilla relationship model would inherently take precedence over a kinky relationship model when the person concerned ids as a Dom.
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  #20  
Old 12-03-2013, 03:27 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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It is certainly hard to go from being the number one priority to feeling pushed aside and de-prioritized for the new shiny one. I wasn't able to cope with that in a past relationship myself.

Is he willing to talk to you about how you are feeling? Is she? Could the three of you talk together?

Natja, I was applauding at your post. I too do not see a point to this forum unless we are here to try to help instead of attack.
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