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  #11  
Old 12-03-2013, 02:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I tend not to approach mono people for poly relationships. In fact I tend to avoid them like the plague. The drama.. the feeling of being the teacher, the parental responsibility over their mono feelings.. too much work for me.

When I was just in it for the sex.. I approached mono people all the time. The boundary of non-monogamy is a lot lighter when its just fucking.

I realize I have created a potential boundary to a set of people that may be able to work within the constraints (or freedoms) or a non-monogamous relationship. I just don't want to put in that kind of work at the very early stages of a relationship.
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  #12  
Old 12-03-2013, 02:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I realize I have created a potential boundary to a set of people that may be able to work within the constraints (or freedoms) or a non-monogamous relationship. I just don't want to put in that kind of work at the very early stages of a relationship.
As a mono person, I feel the same way, just on the flip side. If P and I didn't work out, and I decided to go off dating again, would I start in a poly relationship with someone I just met? No, most likely not. Not with someone I don't already have a prior relationship and connection with.

It's the same as an LDR for me - I wouldn't get into one with someone I just met. But for someone I already know and care for? Maybe.

Anyhoo... as a mono, your statement doesn't bug me, since I see your position from the other side of the fence. Sometimes, regardless of whether we're mono or poly, it's nice to put down the analyzing, communication, and mechanics and just ENJOY the relationship.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #13  
Old 12-03-2013, 02:52 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Anyhoo... as a mono, your statement doesn't bug me, since I see your position from the other side of the fence. Sometimes, regardless of whether we're mono or poly, it's nice to put down the analyzing, communication, and mechanics and just ENJOY the relationship.
Glad you took it the way it was intended. .. definitely not meant to be offensive.
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  #14  
Old 12-03-2013, 03:01 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
I am clear in my OKC profile that I am married and have a boyfriend. And that I am searching for a third. It's all up front. I get a lot of garbage because of that (messages asking me DTF? And calling me a whore) but I think it helps to have it there. So far I have only had two possibilities that I've actually gone out with that were identifying as mono. One was a douchebag that I would have pepper sprayed if I had some to use, and the other I am now embarking on a real relationship with (I hope). His plan is to remain mono with me and see how it goes. My husband is mono with me, so I am ok with that, but I do worry about the new guy turning cowboy. So far he has been very proactive with asking questions and talking about how he sees things moving forward. I haven't gotten that vibe yet. We have only been dating for a couple weeks though, and we have been intimate once. *shrugs*

I absolutely don't want to be someone's "experiment" with non monogamy. I get a lot of messages from guys who are "willing to try it" and those get deleted. Just the way they word things, it is clear they will dump me in a hot minute once they meet a girl who is willing to be monogamous. I want to be a viable relationship in my own right, not something they do to kill time, if that makes sense.

With my new potential, he has never given me any indications as of yet that this is his plan, and we have talked about it. He knows what my intentions are, andI think I understand his motivations, so it's all good.

My advice is to give those mono guys a chance, but don't be stupid about it. That's how I am progressing, anyway.
That's what I'm going to try and do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I tend not to approach mono people for poly relationships. In fact I tend to avoid them like the plague. The drama.. the feeling of being the teacher, the parental responsibility over their mono feelings.. too much work for me.

When I was just in it for the sex.. I approached mono people all the time. The boundary of non-monogamy is a lot lighter when its just fucking.

I realize I have created a potential boundary to a set of people that may be able to work within the constraints (or freedoms) or a non-monogamous relationship. I just don't want to put in that kind of work at the very early stages of a relationship.
Actually, the incident that put me off most happened when I was "just fucking". Basically this guy started trying to like cuckold my partners by saying things like "If you were getting good sex, you wouldn't be here now". I really thought this guy understood the poly thing and that I wouldn't be okay with him saying those kinds of things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
As a mono person, I feel the same way, just on the flip side. If P and I didn't work out, and I decided to go off dating again, would I start in a poly relationship with someone I just met? No, most likely not. Not with someone I don't already have a prior relationship and connection with.

It's the same as an LDR for me - I wouldn't get into one with someone I just met. But for someone I already know and care for? Maybe.

Anyhoo... as a mono, your statement doesn't bug me, since I see your position from the other side of the fence. Sometimes, regardless of whether we're mono or poly, it's nice to put down the analyzing, communication, and mechanics and just ENJOY the relationship.
So if you were dating again, would you actively avoid dating poly men? As in reject them regardless of how compatible they seemed in other ways?
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  #15  
Old 12-03-2013, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
So if you were dating again, would you actively avoid dating poly men? As in reject them regardless of how compatible they seemed in other ways?
I've had three relationships in my life, and outside of the first (which was in high school), I've been friends with the people first. I can't actually say, as I don't date like "normal people". Typically, I'll be friends with them, develop a connection, and THEN want to date/get into a relationship.

All this "dating" talk, then, is somewhat speculative. While I can't actually say that I would flat-out reject anyone, I would certainly be reluctant to date anyone who was poly. P lived 1.5 hours away when we started our relationship. I'd be reluctant to casually date anyone that distance away, as well.

Not trying to offend, but given the emotional wrangling I've dealt with in my relationship with P (and the scheduling - MY GOD, the scheduling!), I'm not in any rush to do it again with someone I barely know.

This doesn't preclude the theoretical possibility of dating someone else I was good friends with, who happened to discover that he was poly as well. If I already have a connection, there is motivation to put in the work.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #16  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:28 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is online now
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LDRs and me don't match up too well - I have learned that with my boyfriend, M. He lives 40 minutes away and it is terrible to me that we just can't pop out for lunch, or have a snuggle on a park bench without a drive. Distance is a huge consideration for me, this time through, as much so as the mono vs poly guy question!

YouAreHere, my experience has been kind of the opposite - I have trouble dating someone I am friends with first, mono or poly. It is interesting to read about your preferences - thanks!
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  #17  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
YouAreHere, my experience has been kind of the opposite - I have trouble dating someone I am friends with first, mono or poly. It is interesting to read about your preferences - thanks!
In some poking around online recently, I found that I seem to fall into the "demisexual" bracket - that I don't really GET attracted to people until there's a connection. There's no lust for the hottie at the bar, that type of thing (although I can certainly aesthetically appreciate a nice-looking person ).

No desire to use it as a label for myself, but it explains that piece of me very well, I think. It's also why all this dating talk is kind of speculative for me, since I'd have to be in the situation where I'm either online dating or doing something else where I'm spending a lot of time in the "getting to know you" phase. I really haven't been in that situation.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #18  
Old 12-03-2013, 06:20 PM
london london is offline
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Well, I decided with the help of some blogging that I'm going to be less rigid about it and give some people who seem sensibly interested in polyamory the benefit of the doubt. I won't actually trust them, but I need to behave as if I do until my feelings catch up or they prove they actually aren't trustworthy, in this respect at least. Think, do, feel.
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  #19  
Old 12-03-2013, 06:39 PM
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That is great, london. It doesn't seem to take long for the jerkfaces to make themselves known - at least in my experience. Good luck!
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  #20  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:57 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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As a "mono" married guy that fell for a "poly" married woman I have to say that I probably wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't trade the time I've had with my girlfriend for anything but its just so hard to form and maintain a relationship when dealing with such a limited schedule. Not all her fault as when the relationship started I was the one with the very limited schedule but now that mine has opened up hers has gotten to the point where I'm not sure it's even worth it. The whole scheduling thing that you have to deal with to be in a poly relationship may just not be for me.
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