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View Poll Results: what sh ould I do?
Suggest it. 1 8.33%
Let go 11 91.67%
Wait 0 0%
Remain alone until weay be together one day 0 0%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 12. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 12-02-2013, 11:48 PM
XnikolakiX XnikolakiX is offline
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Question my fiancee is leaving me for another man. need feed back.

My fiancee is the most beautiful woman I will ever know. I have grown to love her unconditionally. A year ago our relationship struggled. She was flirting with the notion of polyamory. She felt by nature that she is bisexual and polyamorous. I was floored and I refused to accept that kind of life for us. But there are some reasons why she feels she needs to leave me despite not truly wanting to. We will still live together for a short time. She does not feel she will ever love or be as lived again. She rhinks she may never be as comfortable with him. However he is more financially stable and she tires are of waiting for me to provide that. She also drawn to move to Denver. Despite the fact that success is forthcoming based on recent news. Rather than lose each other I would like to suggest a polyamorous solution!! Her heart will not need to be divided and the love will never stop. I can keep loving the only woman I have ever truly loved. I would prefer to be alone and have no one else. Therefore this seems the beat solution. I hope she can take some relief in this. I need feedback and opinions. I need suggestions. Keep in mind she alsodesires a normal llife too. But as she said in the past, if you are predisposed to polyamory u will always find ways to participate in it even if you try to surpress it. Is there any truth to that???

Last edited by XnikolakiX; 12-03-2013 at 01:30 AM.
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  #2  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:34 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Polyamory never saves an ending relationship or a broken one.

Let her go.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #3  
Old 12-03-2013, 06:14 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm guessing her desire to leave is more an expression of her need for autonomy. I wouldn't be surprised if she started working on her escape plan as soon as you "refused to accept" that life for her, but waited until she had a safety net to let you know about it.

It's unlikely that you would go from completely dismissing the possibility of polyamory to being completely OK with it overnight, despite the external motivation. It sounds like her reasons for leaving you are more than just your insistence on monogamy.

Are you not concerned about her desire to be "provided for" even if it means forgoing happiness? Despite any good news you have on the horizon, are you not concerned that she would be staying with you just for your money?

I suppose there's no harm in proposing it and seeing what she says, but looking at the big picture, I don't anticipate this approach leading to a positive outcome.
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  #4  
Old 12-03-2013, 09:28 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I"m sorry you hurt right now. I mean this kindly, ok?

Your fiancee has decided to break up with you. You want to ask her to be in polyship so she won't leave you.

I think this could be you moving to "bargaining" stage in the stages of grief process.

I think it could serve you better to Google "stages of grief" so you can monitor your your progress through that process as your feelings catch up to your new reality. This is just one example. It might not be a straight line through it but jiggles up and down til you are done. It takes time.

I think it could serve you better to NOT be making major lifestyle changes (including entering a polyship) at this time while you are mourning.

I think if you want her to stay, you could say "I want you to stay. Could you be willing to reconsider staying?" simply. It is more clear.

I think you could leave polyshipping out of your request. "I want to polyship so my GF won't leave me" is not a healthy reason for you to be polyshipping. Even if it were, you are not a healthy potential partner right now. You are in a mourning time.

You could do your appropriate self care even if it feels "meh" at this time so you can reach healing in time. Get your sleep, eat nutritiously, take walks to destress. If it helps to write out the story, write it out for yourself. If you need to air out or be taken out -- ask someone to take you to a movie. Don't be shy about asking for extra support / comfort from friends and family. Do whatever appropriate things you like to do best in times of mourning.

If it helps you to be ABLE to let go to hope that you might get together again in future... go with it.

But the main bit is you could decide to be ok letting go right now. You could decide to deal in future at that point in time. You could decide, and then you could align your behavior accordingly. In time? Your feelings WILL catch up and match your new reality. You could do behaviors that help you move it forward. Could not do behaviors that help keep you in the stuck.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-03-2013 at 09:41 AM.
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  #5  
Old 12-03-2013, 10:42 AM
XnikolakiX XnikolakiX is offline
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Thank you everyone for your input. Yes, it could not hurt offer it. I appreciate the concern regarding states of grief. However, This is something I had given thought to before this process, I was afraid to mention it.

I strong feel letting her go is a mistake. Despite all that is passed we agree that we love eachother more than ever before. Neither of us wishes to separate truly.

My intention with poly isn't to save a relationship so much as to give her an option that may be enough to fill her heart and feel completion.

Nonetheless, it is, what it is. Maybe letting go in deep hope that she will return to me one day is the best I can do right now in conventional means. But I don't believe that at all. We're not conventional and she's not somebody I want to give up on ever.
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  #6  
Old 12-03-2013, 10:49 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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she sounds like a gold digger. I would dump her like a bad habit. Be thankful she's leaving before you get married. No kids, no alimony. You owe her nothing but a swift kick in the arse.
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  #7  
Old 12-03-2013, 12:26 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Completion comes from within. No other human being can complete you.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #8  
Old 12-03-2013, 06:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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THEN:
Quote:
She felt by nature that she is bisexual and polyamorous. I was floored and I refused to accept that kind of life for us.
How long ago was this?

This sounds like a hard limit to me. Like...

"Ok, you are bi and polyamorous. But to participate in relationship with me, you must know I'm not up for a polyshipping model."

NOW:
Quote:
My intention with poly isn't to save a relationship so much as to give her an option that may be enough to fill her heart and feel completion.
Other than her cheating on you and taking up with a guy without your blessing (from the sound of it, correct me if I am wrong) and then later telling you she is breaking up with you to go move in with him...

What has happened recently for you to change your mind about polyshipping as a hard limit and make you believe this is the best option for YOU at this time? So that you enter it with joy in your heart and eager to participate? What options does polyshipping give YOU that you are eager to have and enjoy?
Quote:
I can keep loving the only woman I have ever truly loved.
You can't keep loving her if she moved?
You can't keep loving her if you are no longer engaged to be married?

Quote:
I would prefer to be alone and have no one else.
Could you please clarify this?

Alone by yourself? If so, how's you entering polyshipping at this time YOU honoring your own preference for solitude?

Or "alone" (just you + your GF) in relationship and not polyshipping with others? If so, how is you entering polyshipping at this time YOU honoring your own preference for monoshipping?

She doesn't have to be the one filling the GF shoes for you to have (just me and my GF) style relating that you prefer.

Just trying to understand your thought process here. Because I am confused and don't see how polyshipping at this time could serve YOU well.

You seem in danger of doing less than self-respecting behavior. Considering doing things you really don't seem to want to do (polyship) because you want to be able to avoid something else you don't really want to do. (accept a break up).

If you want to do neither because both suck? Not all choices in life are "win or lose." Some are "which sucks least."

Could pick which sucky choice is self respecting. To me -- I think breaking up and honoring your own limits/preferences above is more self-respecting than going against your own grain and ignoring your own limits/preferences and trying to polyship while in poor health.

What do you think?

Hang in there,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-03-2013 at 06:54 PM.
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  #9  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:25 PM
XnikolakiX XnikolakiX is offline
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Default clarification

I am talking about a mono poly Mono V that is polyfidelitus
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  #10  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:31 PM
XnikolakiX XnikolakiX is offline
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I have been giving it much thought over the last year. Recent events made me realize that poly is just another relationship. I have been taken to new limits. And her welfare is my concern. And I can allow the love to flow for both of us.
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