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  #51  
Old 11-30-2013, 03:56 PM
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I suppose as polyamorists, we often find ourselves walking a fine line, because we know communication's a BFD, and yet there is such a thing as *too much* communication. Sometimes it might be a quality versus quantity thing. A whole buttload of talking isn't as good as some quietly shared moments with just a meaningful word here or there to give the meaning expression.

In the MFM V I'm in, the other guy just hates communicating, period. Well I take that back, he likes to talk about hockey, sports in general, what's going on at work, what the weather's like and what the forecast is, did the dog poop or just pee on her last trip around the apartment building, what's for dinner, even Muppets and My Little Pony ... but relationship matters? Ohhh, way to heavy for him. He can't collect his thoughts/feelings internally let alone articulate them externally.

So we don't make the poor guy talk, unless it's a full-blown emergency. Mostly we just share in his light chat and everybody's happy. True, took a few years of forming and storming before reaching today's state of norming, but ahh is this norming ever blissful.
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  #52  
Old 12-01-2013, 01:38 AM
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Originally Posted by SparklePony View Post
Some of your communication issues sound related to the natural differences between how men and women communicate. I just returned from a Women's Weekend workshop (focused on monogamous relationships but a lot of the same ideas apply) and we learned a lot about communication between the sexes.

While women like to talk about their relationships and feelings, they get frustrated when their men don't share the same amount of emotional energy in the same way they do. In general, women communicate with words, men communicate through actions. Poly men seem more adept at communication with words than usual, but this guy seems less comfortable with being poly than you, so he's probably more of an action's communicator. Look at what he does instead of what he says or doesn't say. Do his actions make your wife feel loved? Are his actions friendly and welcoming towards you?

I'm not a man so I'm not sure exactly how this works, but I would suggest you try communicating with him "like a man." Find "man time" activities you can bond over, sports, beer or whatever you dudes like. Think about other men that you have close (friendship) bonds with and how you interact with them. He's probably more comfortable with this kind of communication than getting all emotional and complex and wordy.

And help your wife to relax about his lack of communication...if she were to talk to any of her woman friends about their husbands she would get an earload of "my husband is the same way," "can't talk about 'us'." She's probably spoiled by your extremely good communication skills and thus expects him to be the same.
OK, thanks SparklePony, I have never really had many guy friends, like I have ONE real friend that was not female, so maybe I am limited in being able to talk freely with him because of that. We have a few common interests, but he not the typical guy, zero interest in beer or sports, etc... I am seeking some ground on which we may connect in this way. I get mixed vibes from about his feelings for me...I think I care for him much more. He's slowly getting more open with her about what's on his mind, and in his heart, so she is satisfied with the improvement.

His actions do completely make her feel loved. He is always there for her. He has some deep sadness regarding Thanksgiving from his past marriage, thus the no show Thursday. But he has on his indicated he is happy with their relationship, no pressure to commit from anyone, and is sticking around, we have discussed him moving in with us.

Last edited by dali5671; 12-01-2013 at 02:48 AM.
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  #53  
Old 12-01-2013, 01:49 AM
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Re:


Haha, a certain reference comes to mind about the moon being really bright tonight, and making a fire and having drum circle.

Anyway SparklePony, that was a good and timely post. A good slice of perspective. I remember one of my male married friends saying, "My least favorite words in the whole world are, 'We need to talk about the relationship.'" Some men just have a terrible time trying to sort out and articulate their feelings. And listening -- truly listening -- to the other person speak can be a hard thing to do. "It sounds like she's criticizing me for all my bad points, and yet I have to somehow re-interpret that as a desire on her part to hear me say, 'It must be hard for you to go through all that stuff. I just want you to know that I do love you and that my desires to help you are sincere.'" And sometimes the right answer to a woman's complaints is just to gather her into your arms. It's hard sometimes for a man to know what the right thing is to do or say!

@ dali5671 ... It looks like you're headed for a V configuration in which the two legs/ends of the V only have a minor friendship or even just an acquaintanceship. Which isn't necessarily bad per se. It all has to do with what works for the three of you, as you're all three unique individuals.

Carry on and I hope we can continue to help!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks Kevin.

Yeah the comment about the drums and moon said loads. Basically I interpreted it as "back off!!" But I have no problems taking about feelings or the relationship if the need arises. Dahlia has a need to talk about it regularly, so the important thing is I am there for her when she needs it.
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  #54  
Old 12-01-2013, 02:38 AM
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Had a feeling things were going to go this way.

My advice is if your wife wants I in her life she needs to relax and enjoy the ride. Do not push for the attendance at poly events or etc. Murf would flip the fuck out if I asked him to attend a poly event. Why? Because he isn't poly. He wants to enjoy his relationship with me without pomp and circumstance. Heck I feel like he does. I have no urge to attend such events either. Butch is a social butterfly so he attends local munches and etc.

Your wife also needs to not be so self centered. She needs to ask herself why its it ok for her to date someone but for you she is not comfortable with it.
Our plan is keep the invitation open for the non discussion groups, I think he may enjoy meeting some of the people, but no pushing!!! Easy access all the way. I am impressed by the people in attendance in the groups. OK, I am new to poly so forgive me if this sounds naive, but these people have their shit together, I think you must have things in order personally to live this life. But it is a huge relief to me hear them say things that I can relate to so fully, since my only other info comes from this website and a couple of FB groups one of our members introduced me to.

Is there some irony in the fact that it's me who is joining this website and the meetup groups?? I have one lover. I am doing so in order to fully understand and embrace poly I guess. I am familiar with the compersion feeling though, I can feel real joy through her feelings.

As far as her being self centered? This entire excursion was prompted by my hotwifing dreams. We evolved to poly more or less from there. I would say she is by far, much less selfish than I. Like not even close. In fact, I am delighted that she is such the center of attention between K and I, and admits she feels a little spoiled by all the love, attention and sex she receives from two men. I think she deserves it. Of course, affairs of the heart are different, but she has agreed it is something that may take some adjustment to accept if I find a lover as well. I would prefer if we do find another, she would be bisexual, someone she may be able to build a loving relationship with as well.

Last edited by dali5671; 12-01-2013 at 02:44 AM.
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  #55  
Old 12-01-2013, 04:40 AM
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I loooves me some poly forums. But there's just something about a live poly group you can meet with in your area that isn't quite the same thing, am I right?

To be able to look someone in the eye, see the face and body language of approval, shake their hand and say you're glad to see them again. My last poly potluck had so many happy greetings, yet so many wistful good-byes (as I move from Albuquerque to Seattle next week).

I know we'll find a new poly group in Seattle though, and make just as good of friends.

I hope things work out well for you guys, whether you end up with just the configuration you were looking for, or perhaps a pleasant surprise!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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