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  #11  
Old 12-10-2009, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I've got 20 years in the military spending months away from home. I was married before beginning deployments and was still happily married at the end of my deployment years. What happened after that was not deployment related but a product of my own weakness in connecting with myself.
I am wondering if that connection was lost somehow due to the fact that you were deployed for parts of your married life? I have heard you say before that it damaged the connection you have with your daughter because you weren't around when she was little as much as perhaps other dad's can be, but how did it, or did it, take a toll on the relationship you had with your wife?

I would wonder how poly would work for a married couple if one was away so much? How would a deep connection could be achieved? I struggle to understand this as I have never lived it and am of the view that I would not be able to achieve any long term depth with a person if I or they were away so much, poly relationship or not. Especially a poly relationship!
I think it would:
a) take a very unique and strong person to be in a marriage with someone in the military,
.... and
b) an even more unique and strong person to be POLY and be in a marriage with someone in the military.

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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
There is enough pressure in going away from home for half a year. It'll be hard for people not in the military to relate or even guess at what it would be like.
I think the one way it could work is if you had an established functioning relationship built long before deployments so everyone was very settled. So essentially the relationship would be support for the person left at home. In that case I could see comfort and a benefit to this.
Well, I guess this answered part of it for me.... anyone else?


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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
The person deploying could probably find lots of random "fuck buddies" or friends with benefits for short periods of times but again, only if that is how poly works for you. If you want to use poly as a way to justify one night stands and plenty of flings, feel free to go that way as well as there are plenty of people just waiting for that level of permission. That is generally not based on love but a desire to get off.
I have heard that it is not acceptable for relationships to develop with other military members while deployed... this above quote sounds more like an "open relationship" with a spouse at home might work better. What about those who are away, would it be better if that "no relationships" policy were not there? Would there be more freedom and less broken families? My mum works for the military in Child and Family services, or did, and she quite often talks bout the broken homes as a result of deployment.... again... any thoughts?


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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I supervise on average 15 people when deployed at sea. There is a massive amount of time dedicated to addressing their family issues as is. So while I can see the poly dynamic working for very mature individuals I don't see it being very easy in an environment filled with young people who have a hard enough time adhering to non fraternization regulations as it is LOL! If the military seems overly controlling that is because it is - but those who sign up know it.
wow, yes, that is a dynamic I hadn't thought of....! I am really so new to all this!

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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
All this being said - I know poly people in the military and am not sure how it works for them. I do not deploy any more which is a good thing. Poly is a part of my life through Redpepper not because I chose it. It works because of very specific things. Going away for extended periods of time would not be a workable thing for me personally.
I am really curious to hear more... I find this so fascinating as it is soooo not been apart of my life.
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  #12  
Old 12-10-2009, 08:26 PM
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I will definitely spend some time coming up with a response to your questions Lilo. Tonight I think. This is not one I want to answer in a hurry so it comes out right
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  #13  
Old 12-10-2009, 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by BloodGamers View Post
Well I've been see a lot of similarties between the US and Candian military [aka not so much bullshit (just saying)] so I don't think it will be a problem being a soild servicemember cause I am red white blue and green to the core, but my luck would be getting a higher up that is the super religious guy....he he a Super-Jesus lol j/k/.
The Canadian military was dragged kicking and screaming down the road of universal acceptance and non-discrimination some time ago, as the laws affecting the military were finally updated to reflect our Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I don't think it qualifies for early adoption, but the Canadian Forces is ahead of some other countries in terms of integrating women into all roles (including Combat roles and Submarines) as well as removing barriers for Homosexuals, etc. As Mono said, it is currently quite progressive ... in military terms.

From what I've gathered of the US services, they still have pretty heavy handed policies still written into the regulations when it comes to relationships, fraternization, and homosexuality. I don't know what the latest is on integration of females into front line Combat units (I think yes?) and Submarines (Not sure)...but I do suspect it's coming. It won't be quick though. Military organizations are generally the slowest institution to change their form in response to changes in the society they represent.

(Hell, the differences are still entrenched in the Boy Scout organizations between to the countries...what hope would the militaries have of being the same?!)

Regardless of who your boss ends up being, as long as the organization keeps it a matter of policy and regulation, you'll probably want to tread very very carefully. Research the hell out of the regulations and policies for your own protection and edification.

The funniest part about the whole thing...is that military types on long deployments are known to get up to 'no good'....and their spouses left at home are known to do the same. So...if they want to kick you out for being Poly...they might have a regulation for that. If however you were just cheating on your wife...there's probably no regulation against that...nor a form to fill out, and it'd be largely ignored, or simply accepted as the normal way things happen.
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  #14  
Old 12-11-2009, 02:56 AM
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
The Canadian military was dragged kicking and screaming down the road of universal acceptance and non-discrimination some time ago, as the laws affecting the military were finally updated to reflect our Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I don't think it qualifies for early adoption, but the Canadian Forces is ahead of some other countries in terms of integrating women into all roles (including Combat roles and Submarines) as well as removing barriers for Homosexuals, etc. As Mono said, it is currently quite progressive ... in military terms.

From what I've gathered of the US services, they still have pretty heavy handed policies still written into the regulations when it comes to relationships, fraternization, and homosexuality. I don't know what the latest is on integration of females into front line Combat units (I think yes?) and Submarines (Not sure)...but I do suspect it's coming. It won't be quick though. Military organizations are generally the slowest institution to change their form in response to changes in the society they represent.

(Hell, the differences are still entrenched in the Boy Scout organizations between to the countries...what hope would the militaries have of being the same?!)

Regardless of who your boss ends up being, as long as the organization keeps it a matter of policy and regulation, you'll probably want to tread very very carefully. Research the hell out of the regulations and policies for your own protection and edification.

The funniest part about the whole thing...is that military types on long deployments are known to get up to 'no good'....and their spouses left at home are known to do the same. So...if they want to kick you out for being Poly...they might have a regulation for that. If however you were just cheating on your wife...there's probably no regulation against that...nor a form to fill out, and it'd be largely ignored, or simply accepted as the normal way things happen.
Women still can't serve frontline positions, submarines not sure I believe on non-combat, but once again that comes down to frontline battle arguments.

And the sad thing is your right I could get kicked out for being poly but yet if I cheat, get the other woman pregnant, and even divorce my current wife I might get some talking to and some punishment. Thats it I can also prove this with a few articles on [not the poly, but the cheating] this fact.
AF Wife needs help with Adulterer husband
Army serviceman with a TS/SCI Clearance commited adultery

A Moderator in the forums posted that, and mostly told her that he might have to pay BAH [basic allowence for housing] but that may be it. anything else *POP* "Oops sorry you married a loser. Well Good luck setting your life back together."
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2009, 06:15 AM
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I am wondering if that connection was lost somehow due to the fact that you were deployed for parts of your married life? I have heard you say before that it damaged the connection you have with your daughter because you weren't around when she was little as much as perhaps other dad's can be, but how did it, or did it, take a toll on the relationship you had with your wife? .
Interestingly enough, I don’t believe the loss of connection was due to any absence. I think it was an accumulation of years of not being connected to myself. I don’t feel we drifted apart during even 6-month deployments. There was one trip that that happened but it was precipitated by other out of the ordinary stuff in our lives.

My absences definitely played apart in my not fully bonding with my daughter during key times of her life. Especially when she was between the ages of infant to 2 and about 10 to 13. It seems as though one day I was the focus of her attention, her hero and then the next day it was gone. I had a hard time adjusting to her transitioning from child to young woman for lack of a better word. I remember going to sea one time and her hair was all the way down to her butt. I came back after 3 months and it was cut just below her ears..I felt cheated, like something was taken away from me. I could no longer braid her hair on the couch.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would wonder how poly would work for a married couple if one was away so much? How would a deep connection could be achieved? I struggle to understand this as I have never lived it and am of the view that I would not be able to achieve any long term depth with a person if I or they were away so much, poly relationship or not. Especially a poly relationship!
I think it would:
a) take a very unique and strong person to be in a marriage with someone in the military,
.... and
b) an even more unique and strong person to be POLY and be in a marriage with someone in the military..
A) you are right – it takes an extremely independent and strong partner to support anyone gone for months at a time. Not all partners are and we see this a lot. You have to be prepared to raise a family, manage a household and possibly maintain a career as well while the other person is gone for up to a year in extreme cases. Usually deployments for me were between 3 to 6 months.

B) Being in a poly relationship and deploying is something I cannot comment on. I haven’t done it nor do I intend to try it LOL!

Relationships that include long absences can be no less deep than those that never do. Distance means nothing for some people. I "feel" connected to some people by just knowing they are there. Like my parents across the country. I almost never miss them..they are simply there. I don't actually need to see or touch them to be connected.

After a few deployments my ex wife and I simply flipped a switch when it came to me going away. We turned off the yearning part and simply knew we were going to come together again. At first it was painful but you train yourself for these absences. This 'flipping of the switch" is a tool I use in other areas of my life as well.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have heard that it is not acceptable for relationships to develop with other military members while deployed... this above quote sounds more like an "open relationship" with a spouse at home might work better. What about those who are away, would it be better if that "no relationships" policy were not there? Would there be more freedom and less broken families? My mum works for the military in Child and Family services, or did, and she quite often talks bout the broken homes as a result of deployment.... again... any thoughts?.
Although there are regulations, which either discourage relationships within the same deploying units and others that flat out forbid it under some circumstances, these things happen. Affairs happen and marriages end. There is also the whole issue of military rankings, positions of authority, favouritism, and the ability to assess people from an unbiased standpoint. The military has a saying.."we defend democracy, we don't practice it". To say that not allowing people to form relationships in any work environment is unfair is to not understand the military environment. We have to assess our friends and coworkers, which impacts their careers. If someone is seen as having an advantage because they are in a relationship with a senior member breeds contempt and anger from their peers just like it would anywhere.

Great questions Lilo, hope I answered them somewhat
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  #16  
Old 11-22-2013, 10:26 PM
BlueEyedGirl BlueEyedGirl is offline
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Default Poly military spouse?

This is an old thread, but it seems like when anyone starts a new one, they're directed back to one of these... so I'll just start this one back up

I'm curious if anyone on here has ever heard of someone in the US military actually being punished for being poly. I am prior military, but wasn't living a poly lifestyle at the time. I knew of a few swingers/ open couples as well as a lot of married couples that cheated that were never caught or punished. I also knew a few that cheated that were caught, but only because the other spouse turned them in to their unit. Even then... the punishment was fairly mild.

The question that I'm REALLY concerned about, is this:

Does anyone know what would happen to my husband who is active duty if his unit found out that I'm poly? He isn't dating anyone, but I have a bf. We know that my bf wouldn't be able to live with us in base housing (if that situation ever presented itself), but aside from that... I don't see how he could be punished for my actions.

I wish the military wasn't so incredibly old-fashioned. I'm all for having traditions, but I feel like any set of rules should be updated over time.

Thanks!
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  #17  
Old 11-27-2013, 07:02 AM
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Legal Given Name: Christopher Michael Gallardo Jr.

Chosen Name: Starlight Bliss Rainbow

Rating (Job): Future U.S.A. Navy Sailor Aerographer's Mate Enlisted Rank 3 Seaman

Spiritual Beliefs: Possibility.~

Sexuality: Not defined.~

Gender: None.~

Sex: Male.~

Relationship Structure Preference: None.~

Status: I'm in the DEP or Delayed Entry Program and I ship out to Basic Training in January 2014.~

Legal Marriage: Not planning to, since I don't see it as necessary, I am not going make a promise I may one day break, and I don't believe the law has any say in my relationships.~

Current Children: None that I know of and highly unlikely since as far as I know I am a virgin and I have never donated sperm.~

Future Children: Maybe.~


I am in the Navy and I am not going to deny it if asked, but I am not going to answer under most circumstances to begin with, because if it isn't "legal marriage" or any thing like that then they really don't care is what I've been told so far.~

If the husbands and wives are allowed to kiss each other when first getting "off the ship", then I am not going to hide my kissing of how ever many people I love that have come to meet me there at that time no matter what their sex or appearance is.~

I don't know how I will handle the future relationships I may have as I do not pre-program my responses to situations all the time, I do not know all of the future and the future is never written in stone, but I have happiness and hope that every thing will work out.~

I do not understand "physical only relationships" as my every thing: heart, body, mind, and soul are not separate and I feel every thing in every thing I am and do, so no love=no sex, naturally I am a virgin as I have not had the opportunity to actually meet any one in person whom I love and we have not felt like doing that yet.~

I also don't smoke any thing ever because I don't want health problems and I don't need it to be myself in any situation, I don't drink alcohol because I don't want health problems and I don't need it to be myself in any situation, I don't believe in the concept of "trash", and I love and have great respect for every thing including the Earth.~

I have a radically different mindset than most people about love and relationships: I love people for ever, we may not be together at times but I will treasure every moment I am with them no matter how short or long it is, they don't have to stop their life for me for I will not for them for life doesn't stop it goes on and on until you die and then who knows?!~

I'll tell you one thing though: never ever ever will I prevent some one from coming back into my life for I always have room for them: for my love is eternal and my friendship is ever lasting.~

I hope they would do the same for me, but even if they don't: I will still smile and be happy, because I appreciate every moment of every thing: love, life, existence, etc..~ The nature of life and existence is to change and move, I have no regrets, I am happy in this moment.~ ^_^
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  #18  
Old 11-28-2013, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by BlueEyedGirl View Post

The question that I'm REALLY concerned about, is this:

Does anyone know what would happen to my husband who is active duty if his unit found out that I'm poly? He isn't dating anyone, but I have a bf. We know that my bf wouldn't be able to live with us in base housing (if that situation ever presented itself), but aside from that... I don't see how he could be punished for my actions.

Thanks!
Short answer: The military can't punish your husband for your relationship with your boyfriend. The UCMJ only applies to the active duty member... in some overseas locations there may be additional rules that you will have to follow as a spouse: such as curfews or dress codes.

Your spouse on the other hand could get into a bit of trouble for what the military considers 'adultery' but it is a bit complicated. The article which governs adultery is long and a bit convoluted but Google 'UCMJ Article 134' - http://usmilitary.about.com/od/punit.../a/mcm1342.htm

The three elements under Article 134 which must be present are:
(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;
(2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and
(3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

As far as punishments go I've heard of Commanding Officer's doing any one or combination of the following: forcing the active duty spouse to confess his/her crimes to his/her spouse, restriction (similar to house arrest-the service member is confined to a special barracks and only allowed to go to work, the galley, and the gym), reduction in rate/rank, loss of pay, reassignment to a different command, and/or discharge from active duty service (either by retirement or discharge).
I've not heard of anyone getting the maximum punishments of Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year. I'm a USN Veteran with 4 years service, married to a military man, and lived in a military community for the last 20 years so I've seen and heard a bit.

My advice, if he chooses to find a GF or BF of his own be sure that it is someone that if he weren't married he could be in a relationship with. IOW someone not in his command or Chain of Command, and within his own ranks (if he's an officer-only date officers, if he's enlisted-only date enlisted, etc..). Also, close ranks, so to speak. Keep all of your relationships on a need-to-know basis. And have a plan just in case his Commanding Officer does call you. Our plan was to be honest, forthright and to act surprised that poly is not something that everyone does.
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Old 11-30-2013, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingMyselfInTheGrey View Post
Short answer: The military can't punish your husband for your relationship with your boyfriend. The UCMJ only applies to the active duty member... in some overseas locations there may be additional rules that you will have to follow as a spouse: such as curfews or dress codes.

Your spouse on the other hand could get into a bit of trouble for what the military considers 'adultery' but it is a bit complicated. The article which governs adultery is long and a bit convoluted but Google 'UCMJ Article 134' - http://usmilitary.about.com/od/punit.../a/mcm1342.htm

The three elements under Article 134 which must be present are:
(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;
(2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and
(3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

As far as punishments go I've heard of Commanding Officer's doing any one or combination of the following: forcing the active duty spouse to confess his/her crimes to his/her spouse, restriction (similar to house arrest-the service member is confined to a special barracks and only allowed to go to work, the galley, and the gym), reduction in rate/rank, loss of pay, reassignment to a different command, and/or discharge from active duty service (either by retirement or discharge).
I've not heard of anyone getting the maximum punishments of Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year. I'm a USN Veteran with 4 years service, married to a military man, and lived in a military community for the last 20 years so I've seen and heard a bit.

My advice, if he chooses to find a GF or BF of his own be sure that it is someone that if he weren't married he could be in a relationship with. IOW someone not in his command or Chain of Command, and within his own ranks (if he's an officer-only date officers, if he's enlisted-only date enlisted, etc..). Also, close ranks, so to speak. Keep all of your relationships on a need-to-know basis. And have a plan just in case his Commanding Officer does call you. Our plan was to be honest, forthright and to act surprised that poly is not something that everyone does.
What happens if you fall in love with some one "outside your allowed rank": poly or not?~

This question has troubled me since I am already going in as a E-3 and I may go to E-4 within a year of my career and technically once I 'officially' get my 'rank' I'm afraid I won't be allowed to associate with most of my peers just starting out at my station as

I have been told any one 3 ranks above or below you is off-limits to even be friends with and I have considered forming a relationship with some one whom I met at MEPS but what if she and I end up as too great of a difference ranks?~

I have been told in that situation the lower ranking one needs to "rank up", but that doesn't always happen.~
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Last edited by ColorsWolf; 11-30-2013 at 10:20 AM.
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  #20  
Old 11-30-2013, 06:33 PM
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FindingMyselfInTheGrey FindingMyselfInTheGrey is offline
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What happens if you fall in love with some one "outside your allowed rank": poly or not?~

This question has troubled me since I am already going in as a E-3 and I may go to E-4 within a year of my career and technically once I 'officially' get my 'rank' I'm afraid I won't be allowed to associate with most of my peers just starting out at my station as

I have been told any one 3 ranks above or below you is off-limits to even be friends with and I have considered forming a relationship with some one whom I met at MEPS but what if she and I end up as too great of a difference ranks?~
This 3-up/3-down is the general rule of followed by the US armed forces. But really in the Navy they have 4 rank groups: 'Blue Shirts' (which is further broken into 2 groups: Airmen/Firemen/Seaman (E1-E3), and Petty Officers (E4-E6), 'Khaki' (E7-E9), 'Warrant' (all CWOs), and 'Officers' (all Officer ranks). Really you should spend most of your time with members of your own rank grouping.

There are exceptions: teambuilding events: command, division, or department parties, BBQs, camp trips, etc... Right-Hand-Man events, where a senior-ranked member will take a junior member out for dinner/drinks as part of a thank you for job well-done, and when spending time with your 'mentor'.

Also, there are additional rules regarding fraternization that prohibit you from dating anyone within your chain of command.
-From MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE-Do not date anyone in your command! This can cause all sorts of trouble and really could make your time there pretty miserable.

You will occasionally see married folks with huge discrepancies of rank. These couples were married at a younger age, when both were within the same rank group before one was advanced at a faster rate than the other, or took part in a seaman-to-admiral program (or one like it).

Last edited by FindingMyselfInTheGrey; 11-30-2013 at 06:45 PM.
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