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  #31  
Old 11-29-2013, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
And yet, most people like to feel that the person who is supposed to love them more than anyone in the world has their back and would be affected by hearing the one they supposedly love run down.
It just seems irrational to insist that a person respond to situations exactly according to their own personal standards. Hubby took the exact actions that his wife seems to have been insisting he take (in a perfectly non-controlling way) and yet she is STILL not happy with his actions.

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She's certainly entitled to her feelings about his response.
She's entitled to her feelings as they are entitled to theirs. I don't get to tell her how she needs to feel or express her feelings any more than she gets to tell him how to feel or express his.

Very good point WH, thanks.

The only reason I'm giving my input on what she is doing is because she came to a public discussion board and expressly asked for feedback... which I'm giving.
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  #32  
Old 11-30-2013, 08:53 AM
london london is offline
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If everyone takes the view the OP does, and decides not to have sex with people with herpes, they will be ostracized.
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  #33  
Old 11-30-2013, 08:54 AM
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And the husband probably agrees with what she said.
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  #34  
Old 11-30-2013, 08:59 AM
london london is offline
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My point is that she probably fucked off with ignorant, ill informed people who don't understand herpes transmission refusing to have a relationship with her and so she freaked out when it happened again. I don't necessarily think it's right but it's understandable. People keep making it about her entitlement to sex, I think she wants relationships, not just sex, but very few people have romantic relationships with no sex. So refusing sex means no relationship and why? Because she has a virus most people have or will have. '
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  #35  
Old 11-30-2013, 03:26 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I considered posting a few figures on herpes, and experts who say, in fact, that it is highly contagious, but there's really no point in discussion with someone who is going to simply call names of anyone, even experts presumably, who thinks otherwise, and throws out ridiculous accusations that to not have sex with a person is to ostracize them.


Following your logic, in fact, the only answer I can see is that in order to prevent people lying about herpes, the rest of the world is obligated to have sex with people with herpes. Hm. What a world this would be.

Sorry, but everything you say still stinks of entitlement: people must have sex with them so they don't feel X. Doesn't this suggest that somehow or other they are entitled to sex? And if they are, that obligates someone else to provide.

Her husband doesn't want to have sex with the woman. She and her husband don't want to risk getting herpes, regardless of what you say the risk is or isn't, and it is truly stunning that we now live in a world where someone would call a person 'ignorant' for choosing not to take risks with their health.
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  #36  
Old 11-30-2013, 04:40 PM
london london is offline
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If it were highly contagious, wouldn't LR's partners have it?
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  #37  
Old 11-30-2013, 04:56 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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It is not discriminatory to choose not to have sex with someone with an incurable communicable disease. It's every person's right to make their own choice. In point of fact, by not sharing such important information prior to beginning a sexual relationship with someone takes away their choice and calls into question the trustworthiness of the partner withholding information. If they would fail to tell me this, can I trust them to let me know when an outbreak is starting to alert me to the increased possibility of becoming infected? Claiming discrimination is an invalid argument. Yes, some people will make uninformed choices, but that does not entitle the person with the disease to prevent their partner from making an informed decision. Period.

In answer to the original question, you can't make him see the danger posed by others. You can however talk to him about the warning signs, set up boundaries for specific behaviors (no asking that he leaves you, for instance), and request that he not share with you spoken opinions about you. It would be soooo nice if he chose to defend you, but that might not be his personality, or he may feel she is only venting. Regardless, there is no need for you to be hurt by it. I am very sorry you've had to deal with this, and I really feel for you.
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  #38  
Old 11-30-2013, 05:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernGal View Post
In answer to the original question, you can't make him see the danger posed by others. You can however talk to him about the warning signs, set up boundaries for specific behaviors (no asking that he leaves you, for instance), and request that he not share with you spoken opinions about you. It would be soooo nice if he chose to defend you, but that might not be his personality, or he may feel she is only venting. Regardless, there is no need for you to be hurt by it. I am very sorry you've had to deal with this, and I really feel for you.
Well said, SouthernGal. I would like expand just a bit on what you said about setting boundaries. Boundaries get mixed up with rules quite often and I think it's important to clarify the difference between the two.

A rule is set to govern behavior, most often including someone elses behavior. "Use condoms with all lovers besides me" or "I'm the last person you kiss before you go to sleep" are examples of rules governing other peoples behavior. "Tell me you think what she said is unacceptable and 'realize' how dangerous what she said is" would be another. Rules are made to tell everyone involved how to behave.

A boundary is essentially letting people know there is a limit to what they will endure. "Don't tell me when your girlfriends talk smack about me and you are ok with it" is a boundary. It's not telling someone what they need to do with their life, it's telling them not to tell YOU about it once they've done it. A boundary is personal and only regulates what someone can do with YOU. "Tell me if you have unprotected sex with one of your partners so I can make an informed decision" is another good example of a boundary. Instead of telling someone else what to do with their genitals, you are simply insisting that YOU not be dragged into their bareback decision without your knowledge.
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  #39  
Old 11-30-2013, 06:10 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Hubby took the exact actions that his wife seems to have been insisting he take (in a perfectly non-controlling way) and yet she is STILL not happy with his actions.
Which actions?
  • With his (break up) actions? I think she's probably fine.
  • With his (assess ALL problems as "not important, not urgent") actions -- I think she is probably not fine.

She's had one of his past partners threaten her with violence. We don't know how that played out, but I'm sure it wasn't fun and games.

It seems recent, so she may need and could ask for extra reassurance from him for a while on that front before she can relax again. Nobody likes being threatened.

Everything to him is (not important, not urgent). That may be so, but does he know what SHE ranks things as? They don't seem to have a shared standard at this time.

So she's worried he's not a reliable judge of character at this time and she can't know if he's holding back critical info. She cannot relax wondering if he's missing other crayons.

In other words -- the full box of discernment crayons would be
  • IMPORTANT AND URGENT!
  • IMPORTANT, but not urgent
  • not important, but URGENT
  • not important, not urgent (<--- that's the only one he has.)

WORRIES FOR HER:

Does he have them all? Can he use them to be able to know what to tell her and what to skip in a reliable way so she doesn't come to harm?
WORRIES FOR HIM:
What if he DOES have them all? No worries. He's got them. What she going on about? How can he help her relax already?
WORRIES FOR THEM:
Then the problem is not him with lack of crayons... but them not having a shared standard.
If she knew she was being threatened, she could something about it. But if her husband doesn't know how to discern if/when he could raise the alert flag... or doesn't agree on what point to do it at.... that's not particularly reassuring to her.

Just as everything cannot be "IMPORTANT AND URGENT" -- everything cannot be "not important, not urgent."

That's why I suggest they could spent some time talking and figuring out a discernment tool and ultimately what their shared standard/boundaries will be.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-30-2013 at 06:19 PM.
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  #40  
Old 11-30-2013, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Which actions?
  • With his (break up) actions? I think she's probably fine.
  • With his (assess ALL problems as "not important, not urgent") actions -- I think she is probably not fine.
If he broke up with her because of these things, that would seem to be an action which proves beyond any doubt that he assessed it as a legitimate issue. If that is not the reason for the break up then what was?

The issue doesn't seem to be that he isn't capable of responding appropriately to situations which are negative, the issue seems to be that he doesn't seem pissed off enough about it after the fact.

Not wanting to talk trash about someone is not a character flaw.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
She's had one of his past partners threaten her with violence. We don't know how that played out, but I'm sure it wasn't fun and games.

It seems recent, so she may need and could ask for extra reassurance from him for a while on that front before she can relax again. Nobody likes being threatened.
She didn't come in here talking about the fact that her hubby was dating someone who threatened to engage her in mortal combat... she mentioned that in passing simply to give her current issue more validity.

If it were fresh then I can only presume we'd be talking about THAT... which is an actually dangerous issue instead of the mild irritant of the current situation.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So she's worried he's not a reliable judge of character at this time and she can't know if he's holding back critical info.
If someone chooses to date a person who they know is not bright enough or emotionally mature enough to not put themselves and everyone around them in danger then they'll get no sympathy from me.

I don't hold it against someone who wants to continue their association with a person who is essentially a mental child... but can they really complain when this person acts in accordance with their character?

Like the assault threat, this is not what the OP has discussed to date.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Then the problem is not him with lack of crayons... but them not having a shared standard.
That's why I suggest they could spent some time talking and figuring out a discernment tool and ultimately what their shared standard/boundaries will be.

Galagirl
An adult and calm conversation about this issue would seem to be a logical step. A conversation which does not include assumption of being correct, demands, or irrational frustration.

Good luck with that
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