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  #821  
Old 08-20-2013, 06:36 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey, all. I haven't been posting much here because 1) I got burned out on the site, 2) I've been trying to spend less time over-analyzing things, and 3) I've been trying to spend less time online.

Brief updates:

- Davis and I are good friends who have good sex. We argue over stupid things sometimes. We look out for each other. There's a lot of my life that I feel like I can't share with him, because he doesn't want to hear about my love/sex life with other people, or my kink activities.

- I went to the big yearly camping event that we always go to with Gia, Eric, and Bee. Gia said that it meant a lot to her to have me camping with them (I'd almost decided to skip it this year, for a number of reasons, and she talked me into it) because it was really nice to have me as part of their "family unit" for a little while. A year ago, her using the word "family" in relation to me would have been seriously impacting. Instead I felt calm about it. Happy, but also a little distant. Because I've given up on the idea of having the sort of family that I once envisioned with them. But that's not a bad thing... just a realistic thing.

I went through a brief period of feeling like Gia didn't love me. Then I thought maybe I was feeling that way because *I* was actually falling out of love with *her*. Then I thought that maybe instead it was because my primary love language is touch, and there's so much less touch than I'd like between us. Then I thought that maybe everything was actually fine, and that feeling less desperately and achingly drawn to her was a good thing and not a problem. It's been years now of me wanting more than she's had to give... something's gotta give eventually.

We have a date coming up on Saturday. I think that it'll be revealing.

- Clay and I continue to deepen our relationship. I finally reached a breaking point and had to admit something to him the other day. I did it via a very long email. I told him that I'd faked orgasms during sex with him. It's something I've done with almost all of my partners throughout the course of my life, either occasionally or consistently. It had nothing to do with my level of satisfaction with him, it was just a bad habit. I wanted to stop doing it, but I had to tell him first in order to change things. He was disappointed, hurt, but not angry. He told me that he accepted my apology, and that he wanted to see me. I brought him flowers and chocolate and beer. We did our thing and had a lovely evening and morning together. We're going to be ok. I feel, in a way, like our relationship is stronger now that we've each seen the other fuck up, and accepted it, and forgiven it, and moved on. Like maybe we're fully human to each other now.

Very occasionally I'm struck with an unreasoning fear that he'll fall out of love with me without warning. It's not unprecedented (my ex, Ziggy, fell abruptly out of love with me... at least, it felt abrupt). I would miss him so very, very, very much if that happened. I have no reason whatsoever to think that it will. But ugh, so scary.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 08-20-2013 at 06:38 AM.
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  #822  
Old 08-20-2013, 06:37 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Oooh! Both really good things to hear I can imagine the first would be such a relief. I'm currently waiting to see what if any fallout there is from something I triggered at work... this shit can be so nerve-wracking. Glad things turned out so well for you
Thanks for this, by the way. I hope things worked out well with your job?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #823  
Old 11-20-2013, 06:04 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Three months exactly since I last posted on this blog. I started a post once or twice during that time, but then stopped. I just got so burned out on this website. The endless parade of people coming in with the same dysfunctional stories and hurting each other over and over. And then the folks who just seemed to want to mock them rather than add anything useful to the discussions. BLEH. That, and I was doing a LOT of posting on tumblr, which took the place of some of what this site used to do for me.

Anyway, what's been going on with me? Nothing earthshaking.

Gia and I had some long, tense email conversations in the early fall in which I explained how my needs weren't being met and she explained how she wants to meet them but has struggled to do so. I appreciated all the effort she was putting into the communication, but there were times when I still felt just about ready to walk away. She committed to once-per-month dates, and that made a big difference for me.

She mentioned that she and Eric were considering hooking up with their friend Cass. She and I hadn't had sex in four months at that point. I told her that, with how I was feeling, I would really rather she hold off on getting with Cass until she and I had hooked up again. I felt bad asking, because I don't want to try to control things that don't affect me as a way of catering to my insecurities, but I just had the strong sense that I would be too jealous to handle it. She told me in no uncertain terms that she couldn't agree to that, because it would make her feel trapped and make her interest in being intimate with me disappear. I gave it some thought, and told her that I understood, and that I'd do my best to be ok if it happened.

All of that makes it sound like non-stop drama, but that's not the case, really. We've had some wonderful times together recently. Just last week, I took her to a kinky play party and we both had a great time. We've had some very sweet moments, and many more calm moments. I've been over to their house regularly for dinner, and have been loving every second of my time with Bee.

Gia and I still haven't had sex since June, though. I try not to focus on it. I'm not going to make a big point about it again, I already did that, she already knows that I have a hard time feeling loved, much less desired, when we're not physically close. If I reach my breaking point about it, so be it, I'll step back. Hopefully that won't be necessary. But I just don't know.

Clay and I are still going strong in our lust and our love for each other. We see each other about once a week. No plans to build anything bigger or do anything new, and we're both perfectly content with that.

He and Nikki nearly broke up in the early fall. She felt neglected by him, and like she cared for him more than he cared for her. She and I had gotten into the habit of talking regularly via google chat, and sharing our emotional struggles. She told me all about her frustrations with Clay, particularly with how unclear and almost evasive he was being in his communications with her. It was pretty upsetting to hear -- I hate to think of him treating a partner poorly, and if he could do it to someone else he could do it to me some day. But, on the other hand, it wasn't like he was doing anything outright *wrong*, it was all just sort of bunglingly handled on his part, assuming that it went down like she said (he also told me a little about what was going on with them, but went into much less detail).

Davis and I remain warm and sometimes awkward with each other. We also see each other about once a week.

I've had some flirtations with others, and a really lovely session of sex with a gentleman I'll call Kwan, but nothing remotely approaching serious. I don't have time for it, even if it might be nice!

I continue to struggle with focusing on my job, but it's not in crisis mode. I'm aiming to buy a house in the spring, and hoping that my roommates move with me (they've said they will, as long as I find a place that can comfortably meet all of our needs).

I hope that all of you reading this are happy and well!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #824  
Old 11-20-2013, 06:12 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Oh! I should mention also, Dexter is moving out of the country in about a month. It's been coming for a long time, so, while she's sad, Gia has had time to mentally prepare.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #825  
Old 11-20-2013, 06:16 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Thanks for updating, good to hear from you

I have had the same problems with this site and haven't been as active as before. I should look out for your tumblr more
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  #826  
Old 11-20-2013, 07:12 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Good to hear from you again. Glad that there is so much good in your life. You sound happy.
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  #827  
Old 11-20-2013, 08:24 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Thanks for this, by the way. I hope things worked out well with your job?
Whoops, neglected to reply to this! Yup, everything was fine in the end. Everyone maintained a pleasant professionalism, and no blood was spilled

Good to read your update. I haven't spent much time in other parts of the forum. I mostly stick to the blogs, which is relatively drama-free. Sorry to hear you've wearied of it. I love your story, and story-telling. Maybe will have to keep up with tumblr better!
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  #828  
Old 11-20-2013, 09:30 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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It's really nice to read your updates, so thanks for sharing.
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  #829  
Old 11-22-2013, 07:02 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Was thinking about you the other day, weird how that can happen with people you've only read about online, anyway, great to read this update!
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #830  
Old 11-28-2013, 04:27 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks, everyone, it's really pleasant to come back to so much positivity.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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