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  #381  
Old 08-09-2013, 05:21 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Why tell them?

Growing up, I always understood my mother and father loved each other and only each other (so far as monogamy went). Why treat poly as something different? Why not just say, hey, kids, these are our friends, they'll watch you when Mommy or Daddy can't (assuming your kids are little), they'll come with us to the park, to family gatherings? As the kids grow older, they'll understand what those "friends" are, and if they don't, and they care, they'll ask questions, which should be easy enough to answer.

If they're older, well, you can just take them aside and explain the structure to them, simply, as in, Teresa is part of our family, we love her very much, etc. etc.

They won't care about your sex lives, just understanding the role they'll play in their lives (well, maybe they will care about the sex part too, but in that case, well, no advice
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  #382  
Old 08-24-2013, 04:43 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default from redditt.com Daughter of polyamorous parents

I found this on redditt http://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/co...s_parents_ama/

where the daughter is 16, brother is 11 and younger sister is 9 (same structure as my children but ages close not the same). she says she is glad they opened up to her and her siblings rather than hiding the truth from them.

also the young girl herself seems to have a great head on her shoulders and is like my daughter, has not had her own first relationship.

this makes me think dh and i need to at least start the discussion sooner than later.
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  #383  
Old 08-24-2013, 06:12 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
They won't care about your sex lives, just understanding the role they'll play in their lives (well, maybe they will care about the sex part too, but in that case, well, no advice
Flowerchild I have to completely agree.

Our quad has spoken about this a lot lately.

For my wife and I, we mostly maintain a conservative family. Meaning any PDA is rather minor (kiss here, a hug there). My teenage son usually scoffs at the sight of it and looks away with "gross" comment or similar. :-) There are no PDA with our secondaries around our children. We successfully separate family time with adult time. And always family time comes first.

I think possibly the notion of coming out to children about a Poly life is almost an admission that a Poly lifestyle is something abnormal. My kid doesn't want to know about the details of our sexual relationships. I still don't want to know what my parents are up to either. So in our opinion, telling them gives the adults the licence to behave however they wish around the kids. We all deemed this would not be ok because it would be far too confusing.

What we have done is made it normal for primaries and secondaries to hang out together exclusively around the kids. For example my wife and her BF, going for a walk with the kids, or they may decided to watch a movie, whatever. It has worked wonders...

Now coming out to adults (ie. family and friends)... that a different story. We struggle with this tremendously. The potential damage to our relationships and careers are far too great to attempt this. It's truly sad, but we believe that society in general is simply not ready for it. Living a secret life that is so wonderful is very difficult at times.

~S
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  #384  
Old 08-29-2013, 07:41 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Smile Heh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
I think possibly the notion of coming out to children about a Poly life is almost an admission that a Poly lifestyle is something abnormal.
~S
Hehe, yeah, if your kids are teenagers, they totally know what's going No need to explain.
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  #385  
Old 11-19-2013, 08:29 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Cool We told our 15 year old last night

So DH is big time NRE with MG (his new girlfriend) as they are planning trips for this upcoming summer and having her over to our house on occasion. I pretty much knew CT (our oldest daughter almost 16) was aware of something was up with us. A year ago she found out we were "open" for nsa/fwb but nothing romantic.

We had her come into our room, explained we are still very much in love with each other and what we're about to tell her might upset her. I explained what polyamory means. She was fine like I thought. She told her dad "Well I knew something was up because both of you are on dating websites". Apparently DH and I are on our cells too much.

We will wait on the 8 year old boy. Already know it's got some opinions on commitment to one right now and cannot fathom liking more than two people (although I believe he's perplexed by this because he likes his best friend a lot (girl) but he also gets crushes on other girls).
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  #386  
Old 11-28-2013, 02:55 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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I don't have any children yet. Since I am in comitted relationships, it would be very strange not to tell them, when they come! I believ polyamory with children can be done. However, one should make an effort to make it easy on the child. I would never ask my children to lie. I hope that if I give my children two fathers, they will be proud of both, and probly have the same joys and issues with their dads as everyone else has got. The sexual relationships is between the adults, as in any family. The friendly stuff and the organisational stuff would also include the kids. We would not date outside the family, so there would be nothing to come out with or explain. They would know, if they grew up with it and thought it normal with dad, mum and dad. I love my men and think the both of them would make great fathers. They have their faults, as do everyone else, as do I, but hopefully we would learn to do it well enough and our kids would be fine.
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  #387  
Old 12-29-2013, 10:42 PM
Bromios Bromios is offline
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I'm 29, no kids yet, but hoping to adopt in the next couple of years. Being a father is a major life goal of mine. The topic of kids and poly came up in conversation, and i had a nosey around to see how other poly families raise their kids.

It's actually very heartening to see so many different opinions. Like everything else with kids, it seems nothing is clear cut, and every parent has a different approach.

Thank you, everyone who's shared your story. I just hope when the time comes i can be as successful as so many of you have been, and raise kids who're happy in their family, whatever shape it takes
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  #388  
Old 12-31-2013, 01:58 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Saturday was proof that kids are not weak little things to be protected from the world.

On Saturday Murf and I had a birthday party to attend for a friend. The entertainment was not kid friendly so I paid a babysitter to watch Moose and Squirrel . The babysitter is a friend of my 19 yo lives in Chicago. She is a junior in high school. Her younger brother is Moose 's best friend and came along to

Anyway as they meet Murf who was at the house with me. Of course J who is 9 asks who Murf is. Both my boys piped up with this is Murf my moms bf. Of course J asks how can you mom have a bf she is married . Moose answers you love both your pets right. J answers yes. He then says you like more than one toy right. J says yes. Moose says you have more than one friend so you can love more than one person. Squirrel pipes up with yeah and he is the fun parent...lol.

Made me smile .
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #389  
Old 12-31-2013, 02:59 AM
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Oldpolyman Oldpolyman is offline
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We've never come out to the kids, they've grown up around multiple mothers. We did have to explain to them that some ppl would not understand our family, and that they should call their other mothers aunt so and so, at least in public. These days there is much more interest in poly families, and every available study seems to indicate that poly relationships aren't harmful to children, and our experience shows that children thrive in a poly environment.
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  #390  
Old 01-05-2014, 05:25 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Both my boys piped up with this is Murf my moms bf. Of course J asks how can you mom have a bf she is married . Moose answers you love both your pets right. J answers yes. He then says you like more than one toy right. J says yes. Moose says you have more than one friend so you can love more than one person. Squirrel pipes up with yeah and he is the fun parent...lol.

Made me smile .
OMG, that is absolutely delightful! How smart of them, not to mention adorable - I would have been brimming over with tears and giggling at the same time to see that!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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