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Old 03-28-2010, 11:43 PM
noob noob is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
Default new...how to approach partner about another relationship?

I sort of can't believe that I'm here, but thank you for letting me be

I've been married to a great man for the past almost 6 years, and we have a 3 year old daughter together. Our relationship has been monogamous until now. We're in our 30s.

When I was younger (high school and college), I had a very hard time with fidelity. I just thought it was a character flaw --and I had never heard of poly until after I was married (ah, the internet!!).

In the past couple years, I was fortunate enough to meet some wonderful poly people, none of whom I'm interested in romantically, but it sort of opened my eyes to the possibility--and to the idea that you could be monogamous and then open your relationship up, or vice versa (as one of my poly friends has recently done, when she married a monogamous man--but she doesn't rule out living a poly lifestyle again at some point).

Long story short, though, I am here because recently I was traveling for work and met a man. He lives very far away from me, and we are flirtatiously corresponding by IM and emails (for about the last week). I know he is very interested in me, he knows I'm married, and he is in an unconventional "marriage" (for various reasons lives with his longtime ex-spouse but is not sexual with her, and is open about the fact he is pursuing others). I want to have a relationship with him--emotional, possibly eventually sexual. I want to know how to approach my DH about it, because I have no interest in having a secret affair, and I have even less interest in splitting up with my DH. He is a really good partner in most ways...

One thing, though, is that he is (by his own admission) NOT good at emotional conversations or "relationship things." This is probably one reason I'm attracted to this other man, who is older, more emotionally open, and who I just vibe with due to similar backgrounds.

I don't want DH to think this is through some fault of his that I'm "looking outside the relationship." (All he knows is I met this person, like him, am talking to him...but he doesn't know about the feelings so much. He also knows that I've become more interested/receptive to poly because of having poly friends...and he knows I am bi.)

This isn't a matter of "cheap thrills." I was fine not having sex with others/ being monogamous until I starting feeling that it was really limiting my growth and happiness...DH simply can't give me many of the things I need, and he knows it, and frequently encourages me to turn to friends for certain emotional needs. He is not a jealous sort in that respect at all. And I do turn to friends...but now I feel like I need a little more.

I really feel that to grow in the direction I need to grow in right now, I need to be able to be emotionally intimate and explore a connection with this other man. It's something I can't even quite explain, but it just feels very important to me. And I absolutely don't want to be deceptive with DH, either, although I don't think the other man expects me to tell DH (not really familiar with poly stuff, I think, though he probably should be )

Okay, I hope this makes sense, and I welcome any insights about how to talk to DH about this. The only experience he has had with non-monogamy is "cheating" (on other girlfriends pre-marriage), being cheated on, and a rather unsuccessful foursome once.
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