The couple I am polyamorous with want to have a baby

[Natja]

Csmarie,

I say this with all respect to you and all the knowledge of having been in a similar situation. Plus, I actually have a six month old sleeping right here beside me. Things will change, it is inevitable, it could go any way but I know deep down that I would soon as rip the face off of anyone trying to tell me how to mother my child and so, I think this whole, "you'll be involved too" thing is pie in the sky wish fulfilment, since they are not yet parents, they just don't know.

If anything, it would only be on the periphery, like fetching for her or holding the baby so she can have a bath, not parenting because women are very loath to give up any of that even to the fathers, you know newborns are very time consuming and women are pretty crazy the first few months (I consider myself a prime example).

If you consider riding it out and staying, you will feel like the 3rd (4th?) wheel, that is also inevitable, but if you have to really ask yourself how integrated you really feel, you say they asked you to move in once but you said no, but if they asked again you would do it in a heartbeat.

Why the heck do you need to wait for them to ask? If you don't feel comfortable saying 'I think we should take the next step and move in together, what do you think?' than how can you really question whether you are really equal? Because you aren't, not really and I think lots of us who have been there know this deep down, but we don't want to believe it.

Also, it seems they have been together for a loooong time, since childhood or, is she getting on? If she is getting on a bit, she might find it hard getting pregnant at all. Don't think for a minute you have a chance of having your own baby if she is having trouble getting hers. In fact that idea might be vetoed even if she does get pregnant since many women are very protective of genetic rights to their husbands DNA.

Enjoy the relationship for as long as you can bear it, but I don't think it is possible to really feel at ease in that situation, but that is me, YMMV.

x

[PolyinPractice]

Originally Posted by Csmarie

I should mention that when we discussed my longing to have a family in the future she had said that we could discuss is when we get there and that they could help me find a sperm donor or possibly discuss my having his baby. I understand that they are married, and I am coming into THEIR relationship, but after close to four years of us being together, I'm struggling with this fact as well. I'm not sure why but lately I am have been obsessing over feeling like an outsider to THEIR relationship and I worry that their wanting to have a baby will only make this feeling worse. Have any poly couples that brought a girlfriend into their relationship made a married-like commitment to her? I feel like I would be more comfortable with their starting a family if I truly felt I was a part of it. I don't want to be one of those women that needs a ring and a piece of paper, but I am scared of being pushed out due to a growing family.

You want to have a child, yet don't feel comfortable with her having one? Doesn't seem very fair.

[LovingRadiance]

SOME women are possessive with their new babies/children. Not all.
I never was. My daughter (oldest) was co-parented by a group of us-including two other women, one of whom her father chose and I barely know. BUT-we all get along as co-parents, we prioritized the children.

Don't make assumptions based upon what you are told on this board. NO ONE HERE KNOWS YOU THREE!

Maca and GG and I knew that we would co-parent the youngest child. Maca was nervous about me having GG's baby. But GG, as the father (a man who ADORES children and this was his first bio-child) was not nervous at all about sharing the duties with Maca.
When SourPea started talking, she called Maca daddy. OTHER PEOPLE freaked the fuck out. GG did not. He was STOKED. He was thrilled that HIS baby recognized Maca as the father figure. He felt like it really consummated the family dynamic.
She's 6 now. She knows perfectly well what her biology is. She calls GG by a special pet name no one else uses. She still calls Maca daddy.

ALL of the children identify ALL three of us as PARENTS. The three older children, who also have bio-parents out of our household identify their bio parents as parents as well.


In my opinion, for our dynamic, the children actually brought all of us together. Not ONLY the three of us in a poly dynamic, but ALL of us-including the other parents.

It IS a choice how you include or disclude others in parental roles and family roles in your life.

It IS possible that they will push you out. But it is just as possible that if you take the risk, you will find that all of you are bound closer together.

[Csmarie]

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice

You want to have a child, yet don't feel comfortable with her having one? Doesn't seem very fair.

At that point in time it was discussed because she had no desire to have a child of her own.

[london]

Originally Posted by Csmarie

At that point in time it was discussed because she had no desire to have a child of her own.

Kids are something people often change their mind about. Stop trying to make her feel bad about that.

[Natja]

Originally Posted by Csmarie

At that point in time it was discussed because she had no desire to have a child of her own.

I got that because I also had a similar conversation.

[Magdlyn]

Welcome, Csmarie. There is a ton of information on this board about raising kids in a poly situation. There are many ways to do it, it depends on the individuals involved. Do a tag search on "kids and poly."

You seem to be a "secondary" to your couple, and you're buying into the idea of being lesser, an interloper in "their relationship." You're not in THEIR relationship, you're in your own relationship with her, with him, and with the 3 of you plural as a unit. Same goes for them.

Don't wait to be asked again to move in. If they really wanted you to 3 months ago, don't they still? Tell them you feel ready now, if you DO feel ready.

Do you feel like a equal to them? Or just a pet?

Do a tag search here on "unicorn," "secondary," "triad" and see how others handle feelings about being in a group of 3. It isn't easy being the "third" a couple has "added" to their relationship to "share." No wonder you feel insecure. Time to set some boundaries for your own safety and self empowerment. Keep on top of what they imagine your role will be with their child. Decide what YOU want your role to be.

Infants are very needy. All your lives will be in service to the needs of this tiny person. There will be major changes and nothing will ever be the same again. Same goes for you, if you get pregnant. I think it's kind of cold your couple wants you to get a sperm donor for your baby. Why not the sperm of the man you love? Why not the sperm of another male partner you might find, while still being in relationship to them? If this is a forced poly fidelitious arrangement, where your gf has more rights than you do, examine that. Does it really serve you and satisfy you?

Also, your couple are not identical units. The woman will have different ideas than the man about things. About everything. Maybe he'd like to knock you up, but she doesn't want that.

Anyway, a lot to think about!

[Csmarie]

Originally Posted by london

Kids are something people often change their mind about. Stop trying to make her feel bad about that.

I have never once made her feel bad about wanting to have a child. I want her to be happy. I love her with my everything I have. And if she wants a baby she should have one. All I am doing is trying to figure out what my part is in the relationship once a baby comes along.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by Csmarie

All I am doing is trying to figure out what my part is in the relationship once a baby comes along.

That is one thing you are trying to figure out. You're also trying to figure out how you feel about your own desire to be pregnant and have a kid. And whether you should move in with these people. What if you move in and she gets pg and all hormonal and needy and nauseated and you end up doing lots of housework? What if she loses her libido and yet is jealous you and her h do sex when she doesnt want to? What if she struggles with her changing body and being "fat" while her h's gf remains thin and lithe?

[Csmarie]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

That is one thing you are trying to figure out. You're also trying to figure out how you feel about your own desire to be pregnant and have a kid. And whether you should move in with these people. What if you move in and she gets pg and all hormonal and needy and nauseated and you end up doing lots of housework? What if she loses her libido and yet is jealous you and her h do sex when she doesnt want to? What if she struggles with her changing body and being "fat" while her h's gf remains thin and lithe?

But see, our relationship is different. I enjoy helping her around the house. I enjoy taking care of her and making her feel beautiful. And our relationship is not about sex at all. Sex is extremely rare as she already has a very low libido. She's already brought up how she'll be fat and we won't want her and she knows that she is beautiful to me no matter what.