Obsession

How in the world do I get past feeling obsessive? I have a great husband of 14 years who is allowing me to explore a relationship with a man I knew 33 years ago. It started about 6 weeks ago so I realize a lot of what I'm feeling is New Relationship Energy. I've never been with a man who doesn't really seem to want to stay connected with me. He says it's not all about sex and that he wants to explore this journey with me but then there are definite signs (imo) that he's just not that into me. Ya know? I've never before had it when I sent what I think is a sexy text message and he doesn't respond. Ever. He doesn't even acknowledge it when we talk. I did find out that his receiving texts does lag at times cause I had sent him a couple of texts and while I was sitting with him a couple of hours later they came through. He is a very hard working man and gives 110% to his job when he is there. He bowls in regular league 3 nights a week and subs 3 nights a week if he's asked, so that doesn't really give us a lot of time. He also has a girlfriend, which I knew he had, but they quit living together about a year and a half ago that he sees on the weekends. So, the original plan was for me to see him during the week and he see her on the weekends. For me, it's not enough! I want to be with him all. the. time. and hubby knows this. I try and move my energy to hubby and hubby isn't interested! What the heck! He says, he is too busy at the moment with school, a full time job, and his other hobbies so he is the one who suggested I get the boyfriend. Now that I have the boyfriend, I'm obsessed with the boyfriend! At moments during the day it's all I can think about. Then I get into this obsessive texting thing, b/f doesn't respond and then I'm back to thinking about what the heck am I doing, should I stop, it's not going to work, etc., I want this to work out but I don't know how to stop!! My brain doesn't shut off! Has anybody else had these feelings? Are they normal? I think once I get past the newness then maybe I can relax a little.

Oh and in the MEANtime. I've been friend on Facebook with b/f's g/f for about 3 years. So, awhile back she had contacted me to see if the 4 of us could do something together. B/f had mentioned that hubby and I would make a great other couple for them to hang out with since they spend so much time in bowling alleys. I told her I would get back to her...which I did the other day. Now, I'm meeting her for lunch tomorrow! What the heck did I get myself in to?! Just so I can feed my selfish need for b/f to spend time with ME on the weekends? His plan is to tell her he's hanging out with my hubby and instead be with me. I hate all this deception but I'm actually willing to go along with it for a bit. How long? Well, b/f doesn't have a CLUE how much this is affecting me and my sanity. Since I'm never blessed with a response from text, message or e-mail in regards to any question I pose, I don't have a clue what he's thinking. I do get a phone call. Yep, he holds all the cards and that makes me sick! I'm stuck in such a mess and could use other's people experiences. Crazy...I know!!!

Let me get this straight:

1) You have a husband and a boyfriend. Boyfriend has a girlfriend who he ONLY sees on weekends.

2) You want the boyfriend all the time. Hubby doesn't care.

3) Soooo....are you expecting this guy to be your backup husband, committed solely to you? Doesn't seem very fair or realistic. He wants to spend time with her, too.

I think getting to know here is a great idea...and that way you and she and he can all spend time together? You'll all feel like you get more of each other's time.

Does his girlfriend know you are seeing her boyfriend also. Or are you the dirty little secret?

It is very difficult to balance the power once one person holds all the cards, and getting your brain out of its obsessive grooves will take a lot of work. I've been there, and it is an uncomfortable place to be.

In my experience, if you feel like someone probably isn't that into you, you're probably right--unless you're expectations are utterly unrealistic and you think they should be all over you all the time. When only one person is working at the relationship, and only one person hold all the cards, it can be difficult to balance out power.

Sure, you want to be with him all the time. But you can't. You have a hubby, he a gf, and you both have jobs, friends, interests.

My advice? Act as if you are not obsessed. Do not text that man. Do not call him or look him up on FB. Do not sit by the phone or leave time open because he might want to do something with you. Make plans with friends, take a class, take up scuba diving whatever. This isn't a ploy to get him to want you more, its for your own sanity and well being.

If you're truly obsessing, it is beyond NRE and you've lapsed into love addiction territory (a place, unfortunately, I'm rather familiar with) so you might do some reading on that. I hope you can find peace and satisfaction within your relationships.

Dagferi said:

Does his girlfriend know you are seeing her boyfriend also. Or are you the dirty little secret?

Click to expand...

She said in her intro thread, it's the latter.

So, she's going to meet the gf for lunch, knowing she's shagging this woman's bf, but this gf doesn't know. She'd be in the dark.

This is a mess. This isn't ethical non-monogamy. It's a sordid affair. Sorry. Cut him loose and get your sanity back.

And if you husband gets off on seeing you having sex with other men, but then, once you do, and get all aroused yourself, he's "too busy" shag you, he's not exactly being a gentleman either.

As our member GalaGirl might say, in this quad, you're all acting like Muppets, not Jedis. (Although the betrayed gf gets some slack, since she seems to be wholly in the dark.)

Oh I got it the first time... You know how things can go around here. Was just making sure that I had that timmoral tidbit correct.

OP you sound like Glenn Close from fatal attraction. To summarize you sound like what they call a bunny boiler.