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Old 03-27-2010, 02:56 AM
Bawdysattva's Avatar
Bawdysattva Bawdysattva is offline
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Default Losing faith in polyamory

I've known that I was poly before I'd even heard of the word. Even before I started dating, monogamy never made sense to me. It seemed like an unnecessary restriction; as though people expected to "own" their partners' bodies like property.

But I'm in my early 30s now and realizing that I've never really been able to make polyamory work for me. Across my relationships, I've found that what often happens is my partner will have multiple partners of her own, but I can't find any additional partners for me.

So I end up in a relationship where I suffer all the drawbacks of polyamory but none of the benefits.

And that's where I'm at right now. I love my girlfriend but my relationship with her feels like it's on a downward slide. We've been together for a year, and when the six month marker hit, her interest in spending time with me waned a lot. She took on her third partner (I'm #2) almost right on the six month anniversary, and ever since then I feel like I've been a low priority in her life.

Meanwhile I've been on a few dates while dating her, but not that many. I have an OKCupid profile, and I see all these women who seem intelligent, attractive, independent... and 9 out of 10 of them say somewhere in their profile something to the effect of "I'm not interested in poly." And the few dates I've gone out with poly girls, we just haven't clicked. They've all been nice people, but no chemistry.

If my lifestyle choice is eliminating 90% of my prospective partners, while the partners who are left are splitting their time between other men and me, is this really a good strategy for finding happiness? Wouldn't I be better off just finding one monogamous girl?

That feels like self-denial. I am polyamorous; I'm never going to believe that monogamy is the "best" or the "healthiest" lifestyle choice, and I'm always going to feel like my "ideal" world is a poly world.

But that's not the world I live in, and I have to accept the world as it is, not as I want it to be.

Circles of reasoning have been hijacking my mind for the last two months. Normally, I'm the clearheaded one, the person other people come to for help. It's hard for me to reach out, especially since most of my friends are monogamous. I need a fresh perspective, so I'm asking for... well, whatever. Advice, thoughts, criticisms, new strategies, or just a kick in the pants.

Thanks in advance.
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