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Old 11-23-2013, 01:13 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Default Is it possible to plan polyfidelity?

I've been thinking a lot about my view of polyamory. While I'm not monogamous by orientation, I also don't want completely open polyamory.

Open polyamory seems like it often involves a lot of relationships in flux, always being defined and redefined (or not defined at all!). As a somewhat anxious person who gets closely attached to the people I choose to surround myself with, I function most healthily in a stable environment with stable connections. I find the thought of constant change intensely stressful rather than uplifting and exciting.

For me, I would be happy just being with one great love in my life, a descriptive monogamous relationship. But I wouldn't want to be in a prescriptive monogamous relationship, because I think I have the capacity to fall very deeply in love with more than one person, and the thought of someday having to say no to a second love of my life honestly just makes me want to cry. And could I ask that a partner not be with someone they loved, for no good reason? No!

For me, the bar for a committed relationship is very high. I crush often, but I fall in love very seldom. I want a small sort of poly arrangement, no more than about four people in a household - something family-centric, with kids eventually. I want to be very close with all my metamours, whether we're also paramours or not.

At this point in my life, I have no interest in secondaries, just primaries. I think I would want to get to know people as friends first and only get involved if I think it has lifelong potential.

Is it reasonable to ask new or potential partners if they would be comfortable with setting their own "bar" similarly high? Is this just as bad as prescriptive monogamy?

More generally, what do you think of polyfidelity? Do you have to fall into it (e.g., whoops we both fell in love with my best friend and she loves us too)? Or is it something you can plan for?
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Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future

Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 11-23-2013 at 01:20 AM.
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  #2  
Old 11-23-2013, 01:41 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I've been thinking a lot about my view of polyamory. While I'm not monogamous by orientation, I also don't want completely open polyamory.

Open polyamory seems like it often involves a lot of relationships in flux, always being defined and redefined (or not defined at all!). As a somewhat anxious person who gets closely attached to the people I choose to surround myself with, I function most healthily in a stable environment with stable connections. I find the thought of constant change intensely stressful rather than uplifting and exciting.

For me, I would be happy just being with one great love in my life, a descriptive monogamous relationship. But I wouldn't want to be in a prescriptive monogamous relationship, because I think I have the capacity to fall very deeply in love with more than one person, and the thought of someday having to say no to a second love of my life honestly just makes me want to cry. And could I ask that a partner not be with someone they loved, for no good reason? No!

For me, the bar for a committed relationship is very high. I crush often, but I fall in love very seldom. I want a small sort of poly arrangement, no more than about four people in a household - something family-centric, with kids eventually. I want to be very close with all my metamours, whether we're also paramours or not.

At this point in my life, I have no interest in secondaries, just primaries. I think I would want to get to know people as friends first and only get involved if I think it has lifelong potential.
I am with you all the way here. What you describe is possible. The right mix, the right arrangement and the right personalities. Absolutely..

Quote:
Is it reasonable to ask new or potential partners if they would be comfortable with setting their own "bar" similarly high? Is this just as bad as prescriptive monogamy?
Ask yes, expect no.. its possible to find, but trying to arrange it, would be hard. People aren't relationship chess pieces.

Define your goals clearly, no wishy washy.. and let them define what they want

keep an open mind, you may find what you think you want, isn't what you end up in.

Quote:
More generally, what do you think of polyfidelity? Do you have to fall into it (e.g., whoops we both fell in love with my best friend and she loves us too)? Or is it something you can plan for?
I think its fine as long as no one is forced, coerced or broken to be part of it. I also think its fine as long as it can be renegotiated. You never know what happens and to be a collective ball and chain sucks.
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  #3  
Old 11-23-2013, 02:36 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
People aren't relationship chess pieces.
A good way of putting it, and it reminds me of Franklin Veaux's "Don't treat people as things." Obvious and yet... it needs saying.
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Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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  #4  
Old 11-23-2013, 02:47 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I don't crush OR fall in love easily. Yet I am poly...go figure.

I always assumed that I would end up in a FFM vee or triad...but find that I am in an MFM Vee that seems to be destined to turn into a MFMFM "W" with a pseudo-triad at the center...the pseudo triad being "closed" at the moment while the "ends" are open...

The point is...life doesn't always turn out as you've planned. It's fine to have an idea of what you might like - but people, being people, have a way of entwining themselves to you in in unplanned and unexpected ways.

Be open. Be honest. Live in the moment...your ideal may be something you have never considered.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #5  
Old 11-23-2013, 03:30 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I'm sure there are people.that are into polyfi, I'm not.one of.them. I'm not interested in being in a closed relationship and to me polyfi is restrictive and pretty much the same as monogamy. We attempted a.quad once but the wanted polyfi and that was just a deal breaker.
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:41 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am polyfi. My two husbands are it for me. I am deeply in love with both. Have no urge for another partner. I do not fall easy at all. Murf is mono. He has no interest in other partners. Butch has a regular play partners. He is polycurious. But quotes Dr Sheldon Cooper often "Bitches be crazy." So he isn't looking.

We are family oriented but the guys maintain their own homes. The kids and I travel between the two. We do big holidays together part of the day. Butch's family is 10 hours away. Then we go to Murf's family after Butch heads to work.

It works for us. My only complaint is both my husbands have crappy work schedules which make scheduling a pain in my ass.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 11-23-2013, 07:12 AM
london london is offline
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I think its much easier to worry about how many partners you want, rather than worrying about how many partners someone you might not even met will have. Ie, if you only want two primary style partners, go find them, but don't worry about how many partners those two people will have.
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Old 11-23-2013, 11:27 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Open or closed doesn't really bother me, I do prefer commitment and family togetherness though.
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Old 11-23-2013, 07:58 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It really doesnt matter what it is you want; it's always ok to ask.
It's ALSO always ok to decide NOT to have relationships with people who don't want what you want.

It seems obvious with kids.
For example; If someone WANTS kids and they meet someone else they are attracted to and start talking. They tell them, someday they want to have kids. That person says "not me! OMG I NEVER want kids." It's TOTALLY ok for EITHER of them to decide "not a good plan to date each other." In fact, it makes PERFECT sense.

It's always ok to have your own preferences, state them clearly and ask the other person if that is something that works for them.

It's NEVER ok to try to force someone else to live by your preferences if it's not what they want.
SO if they don't want kids but you do-let them go. Don't try to push them to change their mind.
Likewise; if you meet someone who wants an open poly dynamic and you know you want polyfi-don't push them to change for you. Just don't DATE THEM.
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