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  #21  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:19 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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How old is your youngest child?

So, your lover knows that sleeping with other people is (in part) to arouse your wife? Or am I reading that wrongly?
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  #22  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:21 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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London! Something we agree on! Kiss me now! LOL

OP - You said something that really interested me. I have to sleep soon. But you said your wife had post-partum depression? How old is your youngest child? Is she still in this depression? Is she being treated?
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  #23  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:24 AM
london london is offline
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You can say all that but from the time you perceive a man to be more of a threat than a woman would be when it comes to your partner, there is something going on which has led you to differentiate that way. And that thing stems from how you view men and how you view women. I suspect that you'll continue to deny this and never get to the bottom of why more than one penis on the scene freaks you out.
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  #24  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:28 AM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
How old is your youngest child?

So, your lover knows that sleeping with other people is (in part) to arouse your wife? Or am I reading that wrongly?
This is exactly what she understands. She is a hedonist (by her definition) and enjoys whatever time we have together and has no expectations of long term dating (though it could be like that, just no label on it). We don't 'date' as in go out to dinners, hang out, etc...I go over to her home after I tuck my wife in to bed, and we please each other.

Our youngest is 18 months. Then 3 1/2. We also have 2 more from previous marriages.
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  #25  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:34 AM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
You can say all that but from the time you perceive a man to be more of a threat than a woman would be when it comes to your partner, there is something going on which has led you to differentiate that way. And that thing stems from how you view men and how you view women. I suspect that you'll continue to deny this and never get to the bottom of why more than one penis on the scene freaks you out.
You could be right, but I know from reading many posts and examples of mono couples opening up their marriages, that it is not like a light switch. It is a work in progress. As I am not feeling like I am naturally wired for poly, and my wife seems to be (and/or is exploring it), I'm not simply going to switch overnight emotionally. Maybe many here can, but I have struggles but am willing to keep working on it.
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  #26  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:43 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default My advice:

I hope you find your way to love and clarity.

My advice, if you are seeking advice here:

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE TIME YOU PROBABLY SHOULD BE DEALING WITH THESE ISSUES.

I had post-partum depression until my son was nearly three. I was nearly hospitalizated. The cures were medication, going back to work, therapy, and time.

I could be wrong!!! I don't know what state your wife is in. Again, might be wrong.

But after the birth of my child, I felt wholly terror. I could barely function. It would be absolutely the worst time in my life to discuss being poly or opening up or even dealing with my sexuality (I have sexual issues too). I had NO strength and spent every day trying to survive emotionally.

And you and your wife have a tons of other kids to wrestle with?

Does she work out of the home? If not, she may also feel isolated. I don't know you, and I''m just trying to send you some empathy. But if your wife is emotionally tender or has post-partum - this would, in my opinion, be the worse time to decide anything! Moving. Being poly. Anything. What's the rush?

Why not let her heal and get the kids to age a little? Now, my son is 11 and it's a heck of a lot easier to focus on my relationship and what I want. I think you are asking way, way too much of your wife at this point in her life!
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  #27  
Old 11-22-2013, 03:14 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicarious View Post
That is a good question...We have some residual resentment and unresolved issues in our marriage. Mostly related to communication (which poly has helped us as it has forced us to talk a lot!!), and we both have feelings around the limited intimacy we had over the last few years. She felt pressure to have intercourse and I felt rejected as I wanted sexual intimacy, not specifically intercourse. There are some medical issues and past traumas for her that have created a feeling of panic if someone needs her for their sexual needs. She hasn't had a libido in years (like zero libido), but when I went out and met my lover, her libido came back very strong!

She has felt safe to express her realization that she is more than likely poly, and this has been hard for me to process as I've been as patient as I think I could have been while she work on some of her past issues. But the dynamic that was created from us not connecting as an intimate couple built resentment between us.

So I think my vunerability is that I have wanted to be intimate with her for so very long, and it has taken me having sex with someone else to make that happen again. Now that we are having sex again, she wants to explore with other men. I don't feel secure enough I guess in our marriage to trust that she isn't ultimately exploring sexually with other men because she wants something different. It feeds on some insecurities I have around how satisfying our sex life together has been, giving the limited amount of sexual intimacy we have had for most of our marriage.
This is a thorough analysis and warrants some attention. I respectfully submit that couples therapy may indeed be a logical next step. While you have made some strides on your own - her libido returning and improved communication - I would suggest that the past issues need to be addressed and put to rest. That may take an objective outsider.
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  #28  
Old 11-22-2013, 03:16 AM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I hope you find your way to love and clarity.

My advice, if you are seeking advice here:

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE TIME YOU PROBABLY SHOULD BE DEALING WITH THESE ISSUES.

I had post-partum depression until my son was nearly three. I was nearly hospitalizated. The cures were medication, going back to work, therapy, and time.

I could be wrong!!! I don't know what state your wife is in. Again, might be wrong.

But after the birth of my child, I felt wholly terror. I could barely function. It would be absolutely the worst time in my life to discuss being poly or opening up or even dealing with my sexuality (I have sexual issues too). I had NO strength and spent every day trying to survive emotionally.

And you and your wife have a tons of other kids to wrestle with?

Does she work out of the home? If not, she may also feel isolated. I don't know you, and I''m just trying to send you some empathy. But if your wife is emotionally tender or has post-partum - this would, in my opinion, be the worse time to decide anything! Moving. Being poly. Anything. What's the rush?

Why not let her heal and get the kids to age a little? Now, my son is 11 and it's a heck of a lot easier to focus on my relationship and what I want. I think you are asking way, way too much of your wife at this point in her life!
She is the one that suggested being poly, and that I look for a lover after we hadn't been intimate in a year. That included any sexual touch. She has come down on her medications to the lowest in many years, and part of her getting back her libido is that her anxiety and depression meds are well known to decrease libido. I am fine with us being monogamous, but she is suggesting to me she identifies as poly. Mostly after feeling a light went off when she read Opening Up.
So my immediate fun I had with our friend was originally supposed to relieve her feelings of being needed as my sexual partner while she worked on her stuff. Then it got her reading about polyamory and now feels it is something she now wants to explore for her.
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