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  #11  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:18 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Disclaimer... I have a huge problem with OPP.

If you are going to restrict your wife to only sleeping with other women. I guess you will be only having sex with men outside your marriage.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #12  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:21 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Disclaimer... I have a huge problem with OPP.

If you are going to restrict your wife to only sleeping with other women. I guess you will be only having sex with men outside your marriage.
I am not restricting her. Where did you hear me say I've put some rule in place? I am struggling with it, but not at all telling her she's not allowed to.

Not sure why you have an issue? Don't people come here all the time to sort out their feelings?

Not to mention that I did say that I would be open to possibly dating other couples so I can ease into it. I'm also into possibly a threesome with another man.

Last edited by Vicarious; 11-21-2013 at 04:26 PM.
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  #13  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:46 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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By declaring your uncomfortable with her being with another man.. Yes you are placing restrictions on your wife. You may not be saying you can't see other men but the statement will have an effect on her. It will be in the back of her mind. Honestly it's a bit of a guilt trip.

Why is it the woman’s responsibility to face culturally-programmed insecurities and not the man’s?

Honestly if your marriage has these intimacy and you have these insecurity issues you two really should not be seeking or seeing anyone outside of the marriage until you fix it. Poly is like putting up a shoddy damn. Yeah it will hold back the flood for a little bit but the little cracks get larger until the dam breaks
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #14  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:50 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicarious View Post
Not sure why you have an issue? Don't people come here all the time to sort out their feelings?.
Don't take it personally, some people have a hateon for that type of configuration. Opp, closed triad etc. All a viable side of polyamory and usually a confortable starting point.

I went through 2 phases of rethinking poly. Both involved a lot of

Am I cut out for this
do I want it
now that I am here, how do I feel about my wife doing it
can I handle her being with other men
I also went through some unrequited love questions.. my first "poly" partner was a fuck friend unicorn I fell in love with. She just liked the sex.. haha
etc

I think its a common ebb and flow and a learning process. If you have loved more than one, you are poly (poly is really that simple). Now its just progressing and figuring out what you can handle for your relationships and relationship structures.

You can control you.. not her. So.. if she finds love with another man, and you don't like it. You gotta learn to deal, or walk.. trying to force her to "feel" will cause long term problems. (I know you didn't ask that specifically, its just unrequested advice)

So I don't have a solid answer, beyond don't limit yourself and expect anything. For the record eventually I figured it all out for myself. My journey was hard at times, but worth every part of introspection. It also involved a lot of discussion with my wife, figuring out what we wanted as a couple, what we wanted individually and in the end, none of what we wanted happened... expectations eventually changed and evolved. Good luck, the emotional roller coaster sucks but coming out the other side is a great experience.. (although the roller coast never really stops)
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  #15  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:51 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
By declaring your uncomfortable with her being with another man.. Yes you are placing restrictions on your wife. You may not be saying you can't see other men but the statement will have an effect on her. It will be in the back of her mind. Honestly it's a bit of a guilt trip.

Why is it the womanís responsibility to face culturally-programmed insecurities and not the manís?

Honestly if your marriage has these intimacy and you have these insecurity issues you two really should not be seeking or seeing anyone outside of the marriage until you fix it. Poly is like putting up a shoddy damn. Yeah it will hold back the flood for a little bit but the little cracks get larger until the dam breaks
By declaring I'm uncomfortable with her being with another man, I am being honest with my feelings. Not declaring it (leaving it inside) is a far bigger mistake to make. That makes for far more issues in a marriage when you don't share what you need to work on. She has insecurities with me and other people too and we develop guidelines to help her feel comfortable.
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  #16  
Old 11-21-2013, 08:29 PM
GreenFrog GreenFrog is offline
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Default Similar situation

We have been in a closed triad for about a year now, and I have found that it is not working for me. Specifically, while I thought I would be able to be in a relationship with two people instead of just one, I have found that that arrangement is not compatible with my personality/cultural understanding/baggage/whatever you want to call it.
And I'm fine with that. It has been, I believe, a very healthy thing for me to experience, observe, and determine about myself. So, I'm more comfortable being monogamous. Awesome.
However, my husband is more comfortable being poly amorous, and would like to continue in the triad.
So, I'm wondering if there are others who have successfully shifted from a closed triad to a V. I am very willing to try, and am interested in tips, lessons learned, etc.
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  #17  
Old 11-22-2013, 01:57 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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I think it's really common for a man to feel not threatened by his wife sleeping with another woman but threatened by sleeping with another man.

As I and another poster said, having the same "equipment" does not make you interchanable.

If you can have the bravery and strength to do it, you can totally be monogamous and let her be polyamorous. The more I correspond with men who have cheated (not you!) the less I believe the statement "my wife has a low libido" I definitely would have been put in the catagory and the fact that I didn't want to have sex with my husband had nothing to do with my libido, it had to do with the fact that our sexual differences and problems that had built up throughout the years felt insurmountable. Maybe by deailing with you wife "sowing her oats" a bit, she can come to terms with her own sexual issues and come back to you a bit more amorous.

That said, I'm not for the boundary that a person can have sex with one gender, not the other.

I'm also REALLY not for sleeping with other people to spice up your sex life. Unless all three parties are completely aware and complicit, that sounds like USING another human.

What "medical issues"? Gynochological? Mental illness?
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  #18  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:10 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
I think it's really common for a man to feel not threatened by his wife sleeping with another woman but threatened by sleeping with another man.
It's common because sex between females is often thought to be "not real sex" because it doesn't involve a penis. On top of that, lots of men get sexual gratification from the knowledge or witnessing of lesbian sex, so if they get something out of the fact their "little lady" is having relations with someone else, it's all good, but if they don't get anything from it, it is an issue. The other common reason men are okay with their women having same sex relations is because they don't feel a woman could replace them as a primary style partner because like, he's a man and shit. So even if the woman does feel strongly for a girlfriend, that girlfriend won't replace or displace him for roles such as co parent or co owner/tenant, because like, women can't fulfill the role that men do.

So as common as this view might be, it is often based on homophobic, sexist and patriarchal beliefs that many of us would not tolerate in a partner.
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  #19  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:14 AM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I think it's really common for a man to feel not threatened by his wife sleeping with another woman but threatened by sleeping with another man.

As I and another poster said, having the same "equipment" does not make you interchanable.

If you can have the bravery and strength to do it, you can totally be monogamous and let her be polyamorous. The more I correspond with men who have cheated (not you!) the less I believe the statement "my wife has a low libido" I definitely would have been put in the catagory and the fact that I didn't want to have sex with my husband had nothing to do with my libido, it had to do with the fact that our sexual differences and problems that had built up throughout the years felt insurmountable. Maybe by deailing with you wife "sowing her oats" a bit, she can come to terms with her own sexual issues and come back to you a bit more amorous.

That said, I'm not for the boundary that a person can have sex with one gender, not the other.

I'm also REALLY not for sleeping with other people to spice up your sex life. Unless all three parties are completely aware and complicit, that sounds like USING another human.

What "medical issues"? Gynochological? Mental illness?
Just to clarify, my/our friend is completely aware of our situation, and the reason I started looking online for someone. She is also in multi-person relationships and enjoys our time together, and understands that my wife and I are working through some sexual intimacy issues. Not using her at all. Clear communication, and mutually beneficial in it's current state.

The medical issues are pain related in which she is currently working with doctors on (including some surgery), past sexual trauma, and with post partum depression, body image concerns after 3 kids, communication and the growing divide we faced as time went on and we were not intimate together. It was a surprise to us that me having a lover would assist with bridging the gap that we created mutually.
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  #20  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:18 AM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
It's common because sex between females is often thought to be "not real sex" because it doesn't involve a penis. On top of that, lots of men get sexual gratification from the knowledge or witnessing of lesbian sex, so if they get something out of the fact their "little lady" is having relations with someone else, it's all good, but if they don't get anything from it, it is an issue. The other common reason men are okay with their women having same sex relations is because they don't feel a woman could replace them as a primary style partner because like, he's a man and shit. So even if the woman does feel strongly for a girlfriend, that girlfriend won't replace or displace him for roles such as co parent or co owner/tenant, because like, women can't fulfill the role that men do.

So as common as this view might be, it is often based on homophobic, sexist and patriarchal beliefs that many of us would not tolerate in a partner.
Fair enough to analyze all this, but I am coming here to work through why I have my feelings I do, and get some guidance, possibly re-assurance that I am making some progress (or not), as poly is new to me. Definately not here to be consider homophobic. I'm extremely left wing, consider love and sex between people to be beautiful regardless of it being hetro, gay, etc...This is about learning to read my gut and figure out my feelings...
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