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Old 11-16-2013, 04:18 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default Overnights how to get over missing a body in bed

I think I'm fine with it as long as DH lets me know when he gets there (MG his new OSO-other significant other-lives about 40 minutes away) so I don't worry something happened on the trip there. I don't need texts while he's there or even to tell me he's on his way home. Last night was his real first overnight with her (sadly it doesn't last until morning for him cuz we have one vehicle and he works at 6:30 Thursday through Monday and on his days off I work at 7:30 and we have kids who need to be places) and I did awesome not having him here to fall asleep with. He is right though, I still nurse the youngest, and she pretty much puts me to sleep at times so it is easier for me to make this adjustment along with the fact I've gotten sorta use to it too. The first time he went to see SF (see my blog) I didn't handle him being gone well but it wasn't super bad either. Just felt strange to have an empty bed (we've been together over 19 years and have had times a part).

So that's my side and as I said, I'm fine with it. I wish it could be longer than 3 or 4 am, that he could wake with her. I even have offered for her to stay here. I'd sleep on the couch and be cool about it. (dh suggests we could all sleep together but i haven't met her yet and if there is a connection then we'll go from there but is not my "game plan").

Ok I'm digressing. back to why I am posting. Thursday night I went to KW's earlier than I had Saturday night. KW lives just as many minutes away too. I text'd I got there safe and sound (we also have snow starting to fall too now). When I left. DH really didn't want me to be there late since I worked the next morning and he's having a harder time with not having me there next to him to fall asleep and he's correct, he can't just nurse the youngest like I can, so if she wakes it takes a bit longer to get her to sleep. He was actually doing fine until I sent him a text saying "I'll be leaving around 2". That was about 12:45. I sent it due to his concern about me being late. When I left he text'd to not forget he had to leave by 6 for work. I read that to mean "stay late but be home before then". But right after that he sent another basically saying he wasn't okay with me being there too late. That is why I sent him the time frame. Possibly could have said, between 2 and 3.

When my alarm went off at 2, I hit snooze because I wasn't wanting to wake and leave KW's arms. I had my ringer off so I didn't hear the texts or call seconds after 2 am when DH started to worry (understandable since I created an expectation).

I realize I should have not given an exact time and it's funny, because that text was sent in consideration but it caused him to wake and not be able to fall back to sleep. He asked me to not stay late next time or maybe go to KW's earlier in the evening (that is not a thing I really have control over due to KW's work and his life priorities ). I want to help him with this so he can handle not having me there to fall asleep with on my 2 nights I am with KW. I don't want to stop or limit my time with KW due to this need adjustment DH has. How or what can I do that I still get my needs met while at the same time working through this with him? And DH knows he's asking for me to slow down might be unreasonable as his relationship with MG is going strong and they've seen each other 3 times this week (one overnight & 2 visits at our house during the day on tues/wed until both DH & MG have to go do the parent responsibilities).

I think DH and I should agree to the text when we get there and a text when we leave for home & a promise to be home 30 minutes to an hour before we have to wake for the day so we can get in some cuddle time together.

Thanks in advance and any thoughts, advice, comments are greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-21-2013, 12:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Honestly I would stop some of the coddling. Requesting texts etc doesn't end up making it easier for you, it just creates an environment of finding surrogate changes that may make it easier

I travel for work, quite simply my wife just had to get used to it. In fact she prefers sleeping without me there now, its quite awesome. She didn't have to sleep in specific positions, didnt need to worry about my sleep.. nothing. She just spreads out and sleeps.

Once she got over that initial hump, it has been better. I text her good night etc. But both of us know not to interupt the others sleep or fun stuff.

It sounds like possibly, you are also talking about the reconnection phase post other partners. I can't relate since I don't feel that need, so can't speak to that specifically. However, as the recipient of the post sex reconnect request, I don't like when partners have asked for that, it feels wrong to me. Like they are trying to take away what I had the night before. Competing for the scent or smell on my clothes or body. It wigged me out and was something else we worked on eliminating over time.
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Old 11-21-2013, 06:14 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Honestly I would stop some of the coddling. Requesting texts etc doesn't end up making it easier for you, it just creates an environment of finding surrogate changes that may make it easier
Honestly-first thing, I agree, text goodnight-but not again when they should be sleeping. When we are sleeping, and we are awoken with something-we tend to struggle to go back to sleep (good or bad something) and that can create the "clock watching".
Agree to a time frame BEFORE going-and then stick to it. No excuses.
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Old 11-21-2013, 08:00 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Honestly I would stop some of the coddling. Requesting texts etc doesn't end up making it easier for you, it just creates an environment of finding surrogate changes that may make it easier

I travel for work, quite simply my wife just had to get used to it. In fact she prefers sleeping without me there now, its quite awesome. She didn't have to sleep in specific positions, didnt need to worry about my sleep.. nothing. She just spreads out and sleeps.

Once she got over that initial hump, it has been better. I text her good night etc. But both of us know not to interupt the others sleep or fun stuff.
Tonight he's having an overnight. I actually am going to only ask for a text when he arrives. In the past he'd give me play by play interactions and it drove me crazy. I don't need to know what they are doing. That's his and her thing. I requested he not text me while he's there. I really don't need it. It doesn't upset me jealousy/envy wise but actually bothers me that he's not focusing on her 100%. My compersion is at an all time high for him, but I want there relationship to be theirs alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
It sounds like possibly, you are also talking about the reconnection phase post other partners. I can't relate since I don't feel that need, so can't speak to that specifically. However, as the recipient of the post sex reconnect request, I don't like when partners have asked for that, it feels wrong to me. Like they are trying to take away what I had the night before. Competing for the scent or smell on my clothes or body. It wigged me out and was something else we worked on eliminating over time.
For me, I prefer to not have that time with my other taken away from. I think DH has an interpretation of how poly is suppose to make our relationship better. IT can but I want to savor, like you said, the smell/scent of the other on my body and think about them. It's not like "hey I'm home and I can flip the switch off and be 100% about you this very second". And I don't expect him to do that either.

Thanks for your view point. He's just going to have to get use to sleeping on his own when I'm not there. I have and it's actually nice to be in the bed alone, sprawled out.

Thank you Ariakas!

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 11-21-2013 at 08:05 PM.
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Old 11-21-2013, 08:03 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Honestly-first thing, I agree, text goodnight-but not again when they should be sleeping. When we are sleeping, and we are awoken with something-we tend to struggle to go back to sleep (good or bad something) and that can create the "clock watching".
Agree to a time frame BEFORE going-and then stick to it. No excuses.
As I've only had two overnights and he's had a few more, he's been the one to not want to agree to a time frame. He feels like I'm trying to "control" the situation. I'm not, I only wanted a window of expectation. Maybe I want to Skype with someone so it'd be nice to know when I could expect to see him.

I actually think the agreed time frame should be home 30 minutes to an hour before we have to leave for our destinations for the day due to having only one vehicle. This way everyone can have a good night's sleep and not get woken up with a text or call in the middle of the night and then not be able to get back to sleep.

Thank you LR.
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Old 11-22-2013, 01:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Maca fought the time frame and scheduling and pre-arranged date nights until suddenly he was having to deal with figuring out WTF to do with the kids while I was gone and all that jazz.
Then he suddenly understood what it was like to just try to manage the schedule for the family and coordinate dates, sex, privacy etc. LOL!

I do tend to find that at least in our group-people seem to learn best by experience. If we just "let it ride" so they can experience the annoyance, they are pro-active in helping find a solution.
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