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  #11  
Old 11-19-2013, 10:26 PM
bsviking bsviking is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
So let me try again, since the wall of text might have been too dense.

She is in love with two men. That's perfectly acceptable, given we are in a poly forum. What's the problem?
There's nothing wrong with that if it's acceptable to all involved. The thing is is she feels like she screwed up and got too close and fell for him. I feel threatened by it because right now she has been devoting the majority of her love and attention to him. She repeatedly says she doesn't want a boyfriend. Just a friend with benefits. But now it's turning into more and I think it's scaring her.
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  #12  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:08 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bsviking View Post
There's nothing wrong with that if it's acceptable to all involved.
So this goes back to my wall of text.

Quote:
The thing is is she feels like she screwed up and got too close and fell for him.
She didn't screw up by falling for him. If she screwed up it's because she is failing to devote enough attention and love to you.

Quote:
I feel threatened by it because right now she has been devoting the majority of her love and attention to him.
Then ask her to devote more love and attention to you.

Quote:
She repeatedly says she doesn't want a boyfriend. Just a friend with benefits. But now it's turning into more and I think it's scaring her.
If she can't handle falling in love, she shouldn't have a FWB. If she can handle falling in love, then she needs to make sure she behaves responsibly and dedicate sufficient love and attention to your relationship to her satisfaction. If that isn't enough for you, you have to ask for more (which she might not be able to give!). If she cannot give you enough no matter how much you ask, you need to figure out why you are asking for more than she can give.

I bring this up because you brought up her lover as an escape; escape from you?
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  #13  
Old 11-19-2013, 11:21 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Feelings happen they do not come with a switch or control.

How you handle said feelings is the issue.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #14  
Old 11-20-2013, 02:13 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I don't find the expectation that one not fall in love - especially with partner which whom they are regularly seeing - realistic. Humans can control behavior, but not emotions. For example, when I walk into restaurant and smell (insert whatever your favorite food is here), I want it. It doesn't matter if it is not good for me - too many empty calories - I still desire it. I can choose not to order it - control my behavior - but I have little choice in the wanting.

Love is much the same way. Your wife could choose not act on her feelings, but she cannot prevent their existence.

Asking her to end it with the other man, doesn't erase the love that already exists. You can pretend that it does, but it does not.
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  #15  
Old 11-20-2013, 04:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you guys are struggling. I'll be honest though -- you two have a LOT of layers there. It is overwhelming to read. I cannot imagine what it is like to LIVE.

I could be wrong. But here's how it sounds to me:

STAGE 1 : You guys set expectations that you could not keep. (ex: monogamoous, closed marriage). Instead of renegotiating and learning to set realistic boundaries for yourselves, you went off into affairs. Yours sounded emotional maybe, and hers became sexual affairs. Lies and/or lies of omission all around.

STAGE 2: You had a problem with forthright disclosure which led to deception. Did NOT seem to make space for learning this skill. Or for sharing authentic feelings and authentic communication with each other along the way to prevent future deception or regain trust/heal.

Instead you guys made room for the thing being lied about (sex outside the marriage) only. You created a boundary that could block authentic communication in future by agreeing to (polysexual sharing sex with others, but not polyamorous sharing love with others.)
  • Because what if feelings DO develop? The expectation is for her to dump a beloved? How's that wonderful for her or BF?
  • The other choice is to have the feelings but withold the information from the other beloved? How's THAT wonderful for her or husband(you)?

The unrealistic boundary helps to create an environment where deception is very tempting your wife -- which if she keeps silent, could partially be ok/stink for her. But could be ok for you and BF since you are both in ignorant bliss. But she gets to be with both. Until she pops and it comes out. UGH for all then.

NO solution is planned for ALL people to be healthy and supported. Either together or apart here. Things are set in place so that it sucks for for 1, 2, or 3 people instead to varying degrees.

STAGE 3: So now you come to find that sharing sex with others CAN and does lead to deeper feelings sometimes. It actually did come out. Ugh for all! After some run around, you come to new agreement -- she can see the BF on the expectation that she dump him eventually. (Does he know that condition? He's happy about that? I suspect he doesn't know. MORE lies of omission? )

How is this boundary different than before? It isn't. She is still expected to dump him when "too many feelings" happen -- the only thing is the "feeling line" got move over a bit from "feelings at all" to "deeper feelings."

In short, a new snooze tag. Not actual resolution here. You guys STILL struggle with the issues of (forthright disclosure to avoid deception) and (boundary setting that works for all.) Same as way back in Stage 1! Until you all learn to solve those things, you will keep on merry-go-rounding on that even if all break up.
You do not seem firm of purpose at this point in time and not clear on desired outcome. What outcome ARE you hoping for? It's hard to give any advice to help you arrive there if you cannot articulate where it is you want to be.

You sound like you have been though cheating affair weirdness and may not have fully healed. You also sound like some polyhell in there.

I doubt you want to "just trust her" to keep her word when she has failed to do so before. And to trust her to keep using her BF until she's used him up and dumps him in the end... .whenever "the end" may be? This is treating him with respect and kindness how? You are married to a user person? How's that bode for YOU? Is she going to use you until YOU are used up too?

Of course you are worried!

She says she needs him to "escape." Have you guys even talked about what she's trying to escape FROM?

You could decide what you want here. For sure STOP participating in weird, dude. Call time out! So you all can GET firm of purpose. If you need more information to get firm of purpose? Start having the conversations you need to be having with yourself, wife and BF!

Is she trustworthy? Do you still want to be married to her? What if she DOES NOT want to break up with him? You could decide if you are in or out.
  • You are in this polyship. You are married to her, she's the hinge, and you accept that this BF could be around long haul. So you choose to work on forgiveness and trustbuilding with each person in the polyship -- yourself, the wife, and the BF. All three co-create the new way of going and delineate the expectations of behavior from each player so that ALL the players needs can be met and all players can be treated with respect, value, and dignity. You agree on how to break up should the polyshipping experiment have to end at a later date. So you choose to do the work required and hold up your end of the agreement and expect them each to hold up theirs. You all hold each other accountable and intentionally grow the intrapersonal and interpersonal skills required to polyship well.
  • You are NOT in this polyship. You choose to continue with the separation and steps to divorce.
    • Because you don't want to deal in this any more and you wish to be free of uncertainty.
    • Or because the players here are willing but not actually ABLE to polyship not wonky and it's best to accept that the skills will not be grown here.

    You choose to leave in a way that is self-respecting, dignified, and helps preserve your self worth. You stop signing up for new wacky.


Could GET firm of purpose and could align your behavior accordingly.


How about instead of asking her to choose, you ask YOU to choose what you want to be doing with yourself at this time? And you state where you are at with this to both wife and her BF? In or out? And get their "in or out" to see what lines up and what does not?

Hard to FEEL, maybe... but pretty clear on what to DO. The rest is just details in the plan toward doing it.

That is my suggestion to you. Focus on getting firm of purpose here -- and if you need a counselor to help you sort your feelings and thoughts and weight the pros/cons -- please do so. You are under heavy load.

Again... I'm sorry you deal in this. But it's up to you to restore order to your universe. Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-20-2013 at 06:06 PM.
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  #16  
Old 11-20-2013, 05:15 PM
AnonymousMe AnonymousMe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
So this goes back to my wall of text.

She didn't screw up by falling for him. If she screwed up it's because she is failing to devote enough attention and love to you.

Then ask her to devote more love and attention to you.

If she can't handle falling in love, she shouldn't have a FWB. If she can handle falling in love, then she needs to make sure she behaves responsibly and dedicate sufficient love and attention to your relationship to her satisfaction. If that isn't enough for you, you have to ask for more (which she might not be able to give!). If she cannot give you enough no matter how much you ask, you need to figure out why you are asking for more than she can give.

I bring this up because you brought up her lover as an escape; escape from you?
^^ +1 to all of this.

Basically, you and your wife need to talk, face to face, and get some things straightened out. You said that you were threatened and that she was freaked out. But big picture, are YOU okay with her loving another and is SHE okay loving another? If you are both okay with that setup (big picture/conceptually), what will you need from her in order to make sure you dont feel threatened by that other relationship. What will she need to not be so freaked out (if anything)?

Communicate those needs to each other and then you will know where you are and hopefully have an idea about where to go.
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