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Old 11-09-2013, 07:01 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by SouthernGal View Post
Speaking from the position of having been the other woman on this side of the equation, don't get your hopes up. When she finds out, she'll be hurt, angry, and feel betrayed and will likely focus that wrath at least in part on you. She may forgive him, but she has every reason not to forgive you. It's worth a shot, but let him take the lead, be prepared to do someserious groveling, and don't ignore the possibility that it won't work out the way you want.
I had a 10 year affair on my husband.
THEN I found out about poly.

It took almost 3 years of hell to work through the trust issues and start building a new foundation for a healthy poly relationship.
We DID manage to build it-with the man who I had the ongoing affair with.

BUT it wasn't easy. There were a LOT of restrictions, including us not seeing each other at all for an extended period of time. Not having a sexual relationship for extended period of time (I am talking year+ not a couple weeks or months). No privacy. No secrets. All emails, all texts, all phone conversations, all mail, completely open to my husband.

There was months of therapy with a counselor trained in trauma and communication.

There were times of living apart for dh and I. Once for 6 months. Then another for a year.

Only halfway through the 3rd year was he finally able to accept that lying and cheating was in the past, let that go and start moving forward....

So, yes, it can be done. No it isn't easy (or likely). Most people aren't willing to put in years of their life to fix something like this sort of breach of trust.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 11-09-2013, 11:29 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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I completely agree. Sometimes, as hard as it gets, it's still worth it to fight and work things out. No relationship is ever about only one person. It's everyone involved. In many ways, when I found out it was as painful for him as it was for me. He was truly remorseful & terrified of what would happen. It took a lot if fighting, crying, and talking to get past it on both our sides. There a whole lot of water under that bridge, but I'm glad we stuck it out.
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Old 11-10-2013, 01:36 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Ummm.... Polyamory is based upon ETHICAL non monogamy. Not banging your friends boyfriend then saying hey why don't we have a threesome or triad
Strictly speaking, ETHICAL polyamory is based on ethical non monogamy. Polyamory is just based on romantically loving multiple people. While I think this is an instance where most can agree that this is the "wrong way" to do polyamory, it still is "a way." Just like two people can get married and be cruel to each other and have an absolutely terrible marriage, but that does not negate its existence as "a marriage."

As for the OP, there will be two completely different issues to confront. Polyamory will be one, but the cheating will be another one entirely. They need to be dealt with as two completely different issues, not just two sides of the same issue.

Cheating is 100% about lying. Finding out that your partner has been lying to you for 18 months, be it about another relationship, a drug addiction, or having lost your life savings in the stock market, is a devastating blow. The lying itself is going to be the major problem there. That he was lying about being with another woman is just the object of the lie. What hurts people most when they're cheated on is that they were lied to.

They'll need a lot of time as a couple to deal with the lies and trust issues surrounding the cheating. That will have to happen before there's even a chance she'll be willing to consider polyamory. You need to be prepared that you might have to step away for months, maybe over a year, before they'll be recovered enough to move forward.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 11-10-2013, 05:37 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,892

Our Vee got off to a rocky start...Dude and I had a "cheating"-type relationship for 3 months before the shit hit the fan. And it hit pretty hard. Reconciliation required another 3 months of "no contact" between Dude and me and MrS. (You can read the whole sordid saga in my Journey blog here.)

You and your bf have been together for SIX times as long...I can only imagine what will be required to effect reconciliation, if it is even possible...

We were able to work through the "cheating" and rebuild our relationships with each other (all of them) - helped by the fact, I think, that I have always ID'd as poly and so this was NOT a new concept to MrS; and that Dude and MrS were already close/best friends before this happened...and genuinely care about and love each other (platonically).

If his GF is *amazing* you just might be able to work this out...but I wouldn't hold my breath and I would be prepared for the shitstorm that cometh...
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 11-15-2013, 01:34 PM
hapigoth316 hapigoth316 is offline
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Am I right in saying that isn't polyamory that's cheating. It's unethical, immoral and unfair.
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Old 11-19-2013, 03:41 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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Yeah, the way I see it, polyamory falls under the umbrella of ethical non monogamy so cheating itself cannot be polyamory. You can, however, cheat in a polyamorous relationship by breaking agreements. But again, cheating isn't polyamory. Polyamory has to have the consent of all involved to meet the criteria for ethical non monogamy. Cheating comes under the huge non monogamy umbrella but not the smaller ethical non monogamy umbrella.
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Old 11-19-2013, 03:47 PM
ShpaceEchsplorer ShpaceEchsplorer is offline
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Posts: 16

Well, here is the issue. Introducing a monogamous person to polyamory by saying "I've been lying to you for years" is really not easy to do nicely. You want her to see the goodness of polyamory... But a huge part of it is the honesty; and you have shown her that both you and her boyfriend cannot be honest.

Getting her to trust that you will be honest in the future is just as big an obstacle as getting her to see poly as a good idea. If someone hasn't chosen polyamory on their own... It's a shot in the dark if they are willing to change their lifestyle.

If there is one thing I've learned.. It is never lie to someone even if it is just to protect their feelings. What you have done with her boyfriend can only be described as cheating. Getting that out in the open is necessary, even if that means she leaves him. It might be painful, but it is respectful of her.

That is the best I can say for this type of situation.
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:13 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by ShpaceEchsplorer View Post
What you have done with her boyfriend can only be described as cheating.
I suspect this is the real nub of the issue here if I read the OP correctly. Of course she wants things to work out wonderfully now that they've decided to be honest. That's human. But I suspect she's in a bit of denial when it comes to her own behaviour.

The harsh reality is that her actions have been the complete antithesis of what poly is about. Sure, she might be making some internal shifts to a more ethical relationship paradigm. She may even be using polyamory as a way to justify her own past as it validates the concept of multiple relationships.

But assuming that the GF will somehow be OK with this retroactively is, at best, wishful thinking I fear.
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:35 PM
AnonymousMe AnonymousMe is offline
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Posts: 7

Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
It requires so much pain, and work, and dedication and willingness to listen and to really change that for most, it is not possible.
This pretty much describes, for me, what opening my marriage has been like WITHOUT any cheating or lies involved (beyond the ones I told myself and therefore my wife about being ok in monogamous relationship).

As far as the OP - I personally think your best bet is to just come clean to the gf about what you and her bf have been doing. Say your sorry and leave it at that. Don't try and stay in the picture right off the bat, let the bf do what he needs to do to save his 7 year relationship. Then, if the gf can manage to stay with him, and if she is a more forgiving person than most and is okay with her bf staying in touch with you (and he chooses to), then he can bring up the topic of poly and wanting to keep you in his life in a more romantic/sexual way. But only once he has rebuilt the damaged relationship.

Oh, another thing to consider is that in some cases, those that lie and cheat in a past relationship tend to be the type of person who is willing to lie and cheat in a future relationship (not always, and no judgement meant or implied on those who have genuinely made mistakes in their lives). Just something to think about.
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