Common with alcohol/drug dependency issues.
You may have a counselor and you may be doing counseling.
But it sounds like something more serious needs addressed.
As someone who has been abused-and is still married to the man who abused me-and is no longer in fear of being abused:
I don't say this lightly.
Abuse is NEVER OK.
He AND YOU need help to learn that ABUSE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE
what is appropriate reaction.
If Maca were to get abusive with me ever again, whether verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually:
He would be picked up and removed from the house by the cops.
Not only do I feel that way-
SO DOES HE.
There is too much unhealthy going on in your relationship to even begin to address the viability of a poly dynamic.
"Love As Thou Wilt"