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  #31  
Old 11-19-2013, 03:31 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Physical abuse.
Common with alcohol/drug dependency issues.

You may have a counselor and you may be doing counseling.
But it sounds like something more serious needs addressed.

As someone who has been abused-and is still married to the man who abused me-and is no longer in fear of being abused:
I don't say this lightly.

Abuse is NEVER OK.
Period.
He AND YOU need help to learn that ABUSE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE
AND
what is appropriate reaction.

If Maca were to get abusive with me ever again, whether verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually:
He would be picked up and removed from the house by the cops.

Not only do I feel that way-
SO DOES HE.

There is too much unhealthy going on in your relationship to even begin to address the viability of a poly dynamic.
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  #32  
Old 11-19-2013, 09:31 AM
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Just days ago we were saying how we've been through so much in our marriage that nothing would be able to break us up. Guess he found something. I'm in a state of disbelief at this point.

We've made it through so much that the sad part is I'd still stand by him while he got help but I don't think he ever will.
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Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #33  
Old 11-19-2013, 12:17 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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You dating the guy that in the past helped you husband's ex-wife cheet on him, the same wife that husband also recently had an affair with after the marriage ended and he got together with you, the same guy who your husband still hates (and also happens to be his brother)..... It would be obvious to anyone that this will not be the best of scenarios. Normally, I would not advocate loosing the bf, but come on; you've seriously started a big mess here. You should never even have asked if you could date someone he seriously hates to begin with, before things got resolved. If things are ever going to work out you will have to back off seing bf for a while, and let the brothers work out their issues without you in the middle. You should have seen this conflict coming.

...And so should he. He was stupid to agree to what he did, and hence he too has to take responsability for it. He has no reason to give you grief for something he himself agreed to. Of course he can say - and does say - that you cannot continue the relationship, but he has a responsability to make you cope with you not wanting to loose someone already in his life. Heck, he also has a responsability to his brother, both as his sibling and as his metamour. This is not something he can run away from, or try to solve with anger. He is IN this mess now; now he has to fix it. It is not like it is going to go away by ending the relationship - he is always going to know it ended because of him and he will still see his brother. He has to really, reallt dig harder.

I'd say the same for his brother/your bf. He willingly entered all of this, despite the past conflict with your husband. It is his responsability to resolve his part of the conflict and convice your husband things could work out. Normally, I would not say that short-term bf is part of the conflict, but since he also is the brother (and cheater from the past) he most definetly is.

p.s. Why do the ex-wife stay with you still ?

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-19-2013 at 12:28 PM.
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  #34  
Old 11-19-2013, 12:56 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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It occurs to me that the issue with Mark, and this whole concern over it being incestuous, may simply be a smokescreen. Would Neverwhere ever be okay with you having any relationship outside of the one you share with him? He may be trying to make this seem like rational reaction when in fact it's just normal jealous BS that will probably occur with anyone with whom you would choose to date.

As for the topic of incest, it is taboo because practicing it AND having offspring decreases the gene pool, increasing the chances for genetic disease. None of these issue are at play.

I am sorry. Shoved up against the wall is something no wife should ever have to tolerate.
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  #35  
Old 11-19-2013, 01:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
It occurs to me that the issue with Mark, and this whole concern over it being incestuous, may simply be a smokescreen. Would Neverwhere ever be okay with you having any relationship outside of the one you share with him? He may be trying to make this seem like rational reaction when in fact it's just normal jealous BS that will probably occur with anyone with whom you would choose to date.

As for the topic of incest, it is taboo because practicing it AND having offspring decreases the gene pool, increasing the chances for genetic disease. None of these issue are at play.

I am sorry. Shoved up against the wall is something no wife should ever have to tolerate.
I wondered this aloud to him several times. If he'd be jealous of anyone. He said no and insisted it's only a problem with Mark.

Neverwhere is moving out tonight. I'm bitter. So is he. This isnt even completely about Mark for me but rather about not being able to make choices for myself my whole marriage. Maybe we were never good for each other and we just pushed through because of our history. Our son together. How I almost died four years ago and he realized what it would be like to lose me. He got clean while with me. quit drinking too. Maybe we've been fighting to hold onto all this hard work and wet really don't have anything between us anymore.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #36  
Old 11-19-2013, 02:42 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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When it comes to abuse, getting apart is important. And you always being forced to acquiesce to his demands is a form of abuse too.

I am sorry.
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  #37  
Old 11-20-2013, 02:08 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I feel for all of you. Unhealthy dynamic.
I know what it's like to deal with a partner who gets clean with you. Maca got clean 1 month before we started dating.
But-getting clean does NOT address the addiction issue at all. There's a lot of mental and behavior changes that have to be made beyond getting clean. Work many people don't bother to do.

I wish you the best.
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  #38  
Old 11-21-2013, 07:47 PM
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I thought I would update. Things have been stressful around here. tonight Mark, Neverwhere and I are going to our family counselor. I told her about the shoving incident and she agreed to see us for a double session tonight.

I honestly don't know what will come of it but there will be too much resentment for me if I just bow down as I always have. I've come too far for that. So had Neverwhere. We will see tonight if he'll put in the work required.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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