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  #41  
Old 11-18-2013, 09:41 AM
london london is offline
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Ok, so if you agree with that advice, like I do, can you see why I'm saying she has to stop, or her behaviour needs to be stopped and everything put on a healthy level that isnt controlling or harmful to anyone? Once you've established these boundaries and ground rules and she knows that threatening to dump you every two minutes isn't acceptable, making unrealistic demands about how and who you date, making public scenes etc is all off the cards, she will be forced to either communicate effectively and appropriately or live with the burn. Not tolerating that behaviour will prompt her to actually deal with her issues rather than hiding in her currently very small comfort zone. At the moment, believe it or not, you are halting any progress she could make.
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  #42  
Old 11-18-2013, 10:11 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LondonGuy View Post
S then went to cry her eyes out in the ladies toilets, J and another friend both then went to try and help calm her down. I sat there fuming in the bar, wanting to reassure her, wanting to comfort her, desperately needing comfort myself...

When she came out we went outside to chat and the first words out her mouth were that she needs to have a think about what she wants to do regarding our future. I saw red, she hit that boundary again hard and I turned my back and walked back into the bar. I tried approaching her 10 minutes later and said I wanted to actually genuinely chat with her, she just said I had my chance and walked away.

It turned nasty at the munch, shouting in front of our friends - the worst thing that could have happened.
You make it sound like some kind of emotional tennis match.

I know it may sound silly, but could it work if you agreed to make an appointment for a 10 minute chat later in the day rather than each going up to the other person and saying "Here's my problem, let's talk now"? That way you'd both have a chance to emotionally prepare rather than taking it in turns to accidentally ambush each other.

Last edited by Emm; 11-18-2013 at 10:14 AM.
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  #43  
Old 11-18-2013, 11:18 AM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
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Quote:
I know it may sound silly, but could it work if you agreed to make an appointment for a 10 minute chat later in the day rather than each going up to the other person and saying "Here's my problem, let's talk now"? That way you'd both have a chance to emotionally prepare rather than taking it in turns to accidentally ambush each other.
That's pretty much all I wanted.

From my perspective of what being a good boyfriend meant - I needed to talk with her briefly, just to check in that she was calm again and ok to return to the group situation

From my perspective of my needs - I needed a hug. I felt hurt. I also needed a promise that we would talk about it properly when the time was right

I invited her outside for a chat and before I got to any of this she was stomping all over my insecurities saying she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay with me. I know I probably pushed too hard, too early but I have needs and insecurities too.
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  #44  
Old 11-18-2013, 07:24 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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You didn't do that though. You turned your back on her and walked away for 10 minutes without having scheduled a return visit.

I mean, yes, if you're both doing this then you're both hurting each other. Someone has to stop the pattern and if she can't and you can't then it will keep repeating.

Literally if you wanted to schedule a 10 minute followup, then say so.

She comes up to you and says something upsetting? Then say, "Hold on, that's too much right now. I need a few more minutes." Or you seriously need to go to a counselor who can mediate for you since neither of you appear to be doing so yourself?
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  #45  
Old 11-19-2013, 01:26 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by LondonGuy View Post
.
It turned nasty at the munch, shouting in front of our friends - the worst thing that could have happened. But I just need us to communicate properly, slowly and with respect for each others insecurities. Why is that so hard to expect? Am I expecting it too soon in our relationship? Am I expecting it too soon after an argument?

I want to support her on her insecurities and want support back on mine, but I can't do that unless we can access them in a discussion without them being flipped round and attacked. In this regard it sometimes feels like I'm the only one wanting to make that effort - it feels like I'm the only one putting emotion and effort into things.

In fairness emotional flooding probably contributed to what happened today, exactly as LR has mentioned before. S had drank 5 glasses of Rose by this point...
Completely idiotic to even attempt to discuss ANYTHING about your relationship-ESPECIALLY the three of you-with alcohol involved.
This is true of ANY issue that is an "issue"-alcohol is NOT a good additive to a conversation.

WHY it is so hard to expect appropriate communication is because you are not either one taking responsibility to make sure that communication is kept appropriate.
How? NOT addressing sensitive topics IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.
Not addressing sensitive topics when under the influence.
Conversation kept appropriate-means one person speaks. Then the other person repeats back IN THEIR OWN WORDS. Then first person addresses if they got it right or not.
PERIOD.
That's how you manage hot topics.
IF it's a group of three people, person one speaks. Person 2 repeats in own words. Person 1 addresses if it was correct. Person 3 repeats in own words. Person one addresses if it was correct.
NO MOVING ON into person 2 or 3's two cents until person 1's topic has been addressed, confirmed as being correctly understood by both listeners.

FEELING like you are the only one....
FEELINGS are NOT rational. They should not ever be used as the gauge to measure effort.

Questioning the relationship is fine. BUT-if she's unsure she wants to keep dating-you both need to stop dating each other until the decision is dealt with. Because being a couple means working through the problems. EVERY relationship has problems. IF the problems are more than she wants to work through-she needs to end it. If she wants to be with you-she needs to commit to working through the issues as they arise.

If you need a timeout-you don't just walk away. YOU SAY "I need a time out. I'm too angry to be rational. Can we re-address this at xyz time."
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