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  #111  
Old 03-25-2010, 12:53 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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I agree with Derby. My daughter is only 3 but she definitely knows when I'm not home. When I'm going or staying out of town for a couple days I just say, "Momma has to help/go see some friends/a friend." This applies for when I was going to see Elric and for when I go to see other platonic friends. At 5 your daughter might ask "who" and then you can give a name and most likely they'll be happy with that, especially since they don't understand the complexities of relationships very well yet.
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  #112  
Old 03-25-2010, 06:48 AM
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My boy was about 5 when I met and started to date Mono. He had a hard time with me being out of the house at all and then for one night a week I was gone all night and then two.

I tried to think of it in terms of how parents deal with the fact that their work might mean they have to work nights. I had that in mind when I explained to him that I was going to have a sleep over with my friend and that I would be back at this time. He became comfortable over time that I was coming back and that I wasn't gone for good. I came back when I said I would.

When I was sure that Mono would be in our life for the long haul I told him that I was going to his house for a sleep over. Now he gets mad at me for having more sleep over nights than him (he is staying over at Mono's on Friday night). It took an adjustment as every change does, but then it becomes routine and kids do better with that. Change is good if it is brought in with consistency I think. At least as much as possible. The best thing I did was to make light of it and stick to what I said I would do.

I was also confident that my time is important too and that I had a right to my own time. Just because I take my own time does not mean I love him less or taking something away from him. This is a whole other topic though I think.
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  #113  
Old 03-25-2010, 12:20 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I was also confident that my time is important too and that I had a right to my own time. Just because I take my own time does not mean I love him less or taking something away from him. This is a whole other topic though I think.

Actually, I think this very much coincides for me. I really do feel guilty for taking that one weekend a month. But I tell myself the same thing. That I do love her just as much and that it gives her and my fiance some much needed daddy daughter time. I know when I was a child my fondest memories were of just me and my dad going for a ride in his truck. I also think of the break she is getting from me. I'm the finicky anal one of the family and when its just daddy around she can really let her inner wild child out. (She's got him wrapped around her finger ) But after it's all said and done I still have to remind myself of the positives so I don't get "Momma Guilt"

Anyways, yes the biggest issue is her asking the WHO question. She is my little detective and every question is followed by ten more. She makes me dizzy sometimes.
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  #114  
Old 03-26-2010, 02:49 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't have this issue as we all live together-BUT my method for dealing with that type of situation is just to tell the kid I'm having a grown ups only sleepover with a friend. I used to do that when my oldest was little.
She also had sleepovers and we would call them "kids only sleepovers".
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  #115  
Old 03-29-2010, 05:58 PM
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... But I tell myself the same thing. That I do love her just as much and that it gives her and my fiance some much needed daddy daughter time. ...
Why don't you just tell her that? "Mommy is taking some time for herself/to hang out with her friend X. You and Daddy are getting some time for the two of you to have fun! It's important for you and Daddy to get some time just for the two of you."

It really is important for Daddies to have time with their kids, too. Mommies can sometimes (and I'm not saying you do) push Daddies out without meaning to. Also, you're not ashamed of your relationship, so don't lie about it. That will give her the impression that you did something wrong when she's older and finds out that you're poly. Tell yourself to relax, you're not doing anything wrong, and that it's okay to tell her what is age-appropriate. And it is a wonderful thing to give any child the knowledge that it is OKAY to take time for yourself. I can't tell you how many people struggle with guilt over taking time for themselves--wouldn't it have been wonderful if our parents had taught us that it was okay so we didn't feel so guilty?
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  #116  
Old 03-29-2010, 10:54 PM
lisbeth lisbeth is offline
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Just wanted to say this thread is interesting even to someone who doesn't have kids, thanks for a thought-provoking question! As sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with children when I'm trying to accommodate family or friends who don't share my values on love/sex/relationships. Sadly the "what do I tell him/her" game gets played more often than I'd like, but I guess some people are at different levels of understanding on certain topics, not only due to their age.
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  #117  
Old 03-29-2010, 11:07 PM
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We three simply tell our daughters (ages four and six) that one of us is going to see [the lover's name], and will be back tomorrow. When any of the two of us go out (or stay in) we just say that we are having some special time together. The kids understand "special time" because we have one-on-one time with each of them as well, to go to the zoo, or the game store, out to lunch, or some other kid-friendly activity.

When they get older, we will fill them in a bit more, but in my opinion it's just not necessary to hide anything, nor indulge in full disclosure. When they start asking questions about it, I expect we'll answer them truthfully, but discreetly. I was never all that interested in my own parents' sex life.
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  #118  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:07 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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This incident was brought to me by a friend. It's definitely worrisome and hopefully there will be some words of support and wisdom to help alleviate their concerns. I'm posting to add a layer of protection for them.

Here it is:


I've just had the nasty experience of being told that polyamoury is "not conducive to a healthy environment for children to grow up in"
Guess who said this, my therapist who just so happens to be a social worker who also works for... child protection services.
I have only recently began seeing her, and after today will stop but long story short after hearing about polyamoury...she threatened to call child protection services on my ex.
she has no grounds for taking the kids away, but just the thought of the stress from a "visit" and an "investigation" has my heart pounding.
they couple in question have rules in place. they do not bring their dates home for one thing. two, i lived with them and i had no shows of real physical intimacy (beyond a hug) with my boyfriend in their house, so not even with the kids there. three the idea of a blended family was always with the understanding that it would be done when they were grown up or at least almost out of the house. and four, if they possibility arose to introduce the kids/tell kids about poly well then a councilor would become involved.
these all sound reasonable. and put the kids first... but this social worker thinks otherwise..she says the parents are "burdening" their children with polyamoury
and that is wrong.
so i ask this....is it wrong? for the sake of the children are we forced to keep our polyamourous selves closet form our own children? does polyamoury foster an environment which is not healthy? has anybody else encountered these issues?
fyi: i am looking for a new therapist. they aren't supposed to have boast opinions which force me to draw their conclusions. i am supposed to be able to craw my own conclusions as long as they are not harmful to me or my kids... i mean, 20 years ago it was not "healthy" to have a homosexual couple raising children so where does this idiot get off telling me this?
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  #119  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:16 AM
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I think it is easy for people to people to show off their prejudice for something different from they are use to. I have never seen anything to show that polyamory hurts the children. But truthfully, there is very little research at all. But that does not stop a social worker from assuming that it must.

My guess is that kids are not harmed unless they constantly are losing adult figured in their life. I think they may get a bigger benefit if more adults watch over them and care for them. Plus I think it is neutral for the parents that hide it from the kids.

I agree with avoiding the therapist. It sounds like they are being too judgemental without evidence. You don't need that in your life.
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  #120  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:26 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I cannot even begin to tell you how angry that makes me. I have worked with children most of my life and have several certifications in child development, child protection, noticing abuse/neglect, etc. If the children are in a healthy environment, meaning their emotional and physical needs are being met. They are loved and cared for. Allowed to express feelings and ask questions. There is NOTHING wrong with them being around a poly relationship. And it sounds to me like the family takes a lot of steps to keep the kids from any emotional trama. In my opinion, depending on the emotional maturity of the child, they should be introduced to the poly lifestyle as early as possible. It may be even more tramatic to introduce them to it in adulthood. I could go on and on about this. But it boils down to the fact that there is nothing unhealthy about love. And showing a child how amazing it is to be able to love more than one person, and allowing a child to have a family that provides so much love for them to grow in, is truly good parenting. If the day ever comes that DH and I have children, our partners will be in their lives. We won't hide it from them at all. We wouldn't hide eachother from them right? Sounds silly but it's the same thing in my eyes. Granted we will need to be in a long term healthy relationship with this person before they come into my kids lives. I do not intend for my home to be a revolving door of people my kids will never see again. But I won't hide my lifestyle any more than I would hide my husband from them.


Sorry, I'll step off my soap box now. The well being of children and the fact that closed minds get in the way of actual health and well being, really gets to me.
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