Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 11-06-2013, 05:35 PM
london london is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,437
Default

I go through a stage when I meet a new partner where I don't have eyes for anyone else and I feel super lovey dovey towards any existing partner(s) I have. The first time I felt like this, I didn't have any existing partners, and I was worried in case it meant I was monogamous and just needed to meet someone I really liked. Not worried about being monogamous, per se, but worried in case I had started a poly relationship under unintentionally false pretenses. Experience taught me that I only feel more fondly towards any existing partners I have when I feel this for someone new and I quickly want to routine my life in a way that will allow me to have both people in it. That's my NRE.
__________________
Please forward any comments, complaints or suggestions about my various thoughts and opinions here.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 11-06-2013, 05:37 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,784
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LondonGuy View Post
I feel in my heart I do have the capacity to love more than one person and maintain those relationships healthily, but I want to reassure anyone I date that I will never put other partners needs first at the expense of theirs. So in this instance I wouldn't ever let my feelings for J (or any other girl I might meet) affect the love I have with S or the time I have with her.
Ummm, yeah... that's called "couple privilege" and not a very nice way to treat anyone else you get involved with. Do a search here for the term and read a few threads about it to understand.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 11-06-2013, 05:40 PM
london london is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,437
Default

See I took that to mean that the same would go for any new partners: he wouldn't put S's needs first at the expense of the new person's.
__________________
Please forward any comments, complaints or suggestions about my various thoughts and opinions here.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 11-06-2013, 05:53 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 31
Default

Both

I definitely have that capacity to love two people healthily and would treat both separately (but equally) and be thankful and love them for their unique points. I would recognise them as both different with different needs, but would never let the needs of one be fulfilled at the needs of the other.

Time together as a couple is a definite need for any relationship - and in this instance I wouldn't let my time with a new partner come at the expense of time spent with S.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:11 PM
london london is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,437
Default

Time is a difficult one. Most people work sort of Mon-Fri 8-6, pretty much leaving weekends as their only free time. Especially if you have things to attend to as well. I've had to consider previously that I would have to cut the time I spend with one partner (which was only on weekends) if I wanted to see this new guy (who I could also only see on weekends) and he understood that because he knew the same might be true for him when he met someone down the line.

Luckily, my current partner works from home and is self employed so he sets his own hours. We do spend lots of time together on weekends but that isn't the only time we can spend together. We would see each other slightly less if/when either of us find a new partner, but we are prepared for that and know we will have to adapt accordingly.
__________________
Please forward any comments, complaints or suggestions about my various thoughts and opinions here.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 11-07-2013, 02:57 AM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 31
Default

Hmmm although I said I was fine with mono I've done some proper thinking on this today and I don't think I've ever had a relationship which was genuinely monogamous and successful.

1st long term relationship - lasted 1 1/2 years) We had a threesome with her best friend, the two girls also brought different aspects into their friendship and I could see that they were good for each other and that the friend was a calming influence, therefore she was good for us. I was also many of the things she always said she wanted in a man. I dreamed for a long while about becoming a triad, however this was long before I even knew about poly and had no idea even how to approach this subject.

2nd long term relationship - lasted 3 years) Our sex life pretty much completely broke down and we became like best friends who were in a relationship. Conversations relating to sex usually went like this...

I come on to her
She says no
I back off
She bursts into tears
"What is it?"
"I don't know why I always say no"
"OK, well lets try to work through things - are you happy and fulfilled in our sex life? Yes. Do you love me? Yes. Do you fancy me? yes. Do you lust me in a really primal way? yes. Well then what am I missing?"
More tears
She would then come on to me
I would turn her down, I don't want to have sex under those circumstances!!
Eventually I would usually broker the peace by asking her to leave the room, get herself a drink, dry her eyes and come back in to treat it as a new situation

For at least half of our 3 year relationship that was it. I tried opening her up to things; I asked her to explain her innermost fantasies and she just said she dreamed of me being inside her - no details, I took her to a sex shop and asked her to explore it with me, I tried watching porn together (letting her pick the videos)... after all that I was out of ideas.

I loved her but my mind was wandering. I came close to leaving her for other women twice but I never did.

Ultimately I became so infuriated with the lack of communication that I went out and slept with a random girl. I told her straight away, I guess a part of me was hoping to spark her into talking. But she treated the cheating as the issue rather than the symptom. 6 months later we split up.

I was gutted by that because she was my best friend (far more than she felt like my girlfriend over the last 2 years) and I really do even now still miss her.

3rd long term relationship - lasted 6 months) Although nothing non monogamous ever actually happened, she did class what I did as emotional cheating. Basically I tried speaking with her about something and she became unreasonable, so much so that she reminded me of my first girlfriend (who as I say needed her best mate around to keep her calm)... anyway she pushed it so far that I decided to end it with her, then she hung up and refused to answer my calls for a few days. Before I had actually got to see her again a female friend of mine had replied to a status on my facebook and before I knew it I was flirting with her and asking her out for a drink. The girl I was about to dump considered this emotional cheating and dumped me.

By contrast since getting into the poly scene everything has felt right. I loved watching B fall for her girlfriend and seeing how happy she was that she could have both of us. I have loved seeing that same happiness in S as she has explored polyamory with me over these last few months. Furthermore it's great to know that if I ever find myself developing feelings for someone then there is potential to see where it leads without that being at the expense of S who I love very much.

I know I say I'm somewhere in the middle of the mono/poly lifestyles but in reality when you break it down I'm probably more suited to the latter. I'm enjoying exploring it and if we can work through the insecurities and renegotiate things with S then I would like to date within the kink scene, and right now there's nobody else I'd like to date other than J.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:29 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 31
Default

We started making some big progress with communication today fact is we're both still new to polyamory and are still finding our feet so this is due to be a slow process, but it's so nice to have made a start!!

I wanted to especially say a massive public thank you to Loving Radiance for taking so much time out of her day to help straighten out a couple of newbies. We owe you so much for your wisdom
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 11-09-2013, 03:48 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,830
Default

I'm glad I could help. I'm glad you two are talking. It's not always easy to break free of the paradigms we are raised in! It's quite a task to even REALIZE where we are following social norms that we may not have actually considered personally.
Just be patient with one another, understand that progress is a 2 step forward, 1 step back process.
And stay positive!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 11-09-2013, 07:57 AM
london london is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,437
Default

You know, I've been thinking about this a little more and what I realised is that I do tell my partner(s) when I get talking to someone new and exciting. I do tell them about my intentions with them. I do tell them what could, will, and might happen when I see them. I do all those things but not because there is a rule around it, not because my partner(s) want agency over my other relationships and not because my partner(s) are uncomfortable with one or both of us being poly, but its because we are friends. I like gossiping with my (sex positive) friends about our relationships and our sex lives, and having partners who are poly ans often kinky too offers a fantastic opportunity to talk to someone who gets it. To clarify, the absence of any sort of rules or regulations about how and who I date has created an environment where I actually want to talk about my other relationships with my partner(s) and it prompts me to consider their advice in a way I wouldn't if I suspected they sought to control me.
__________________
Please forward any comments, complaints or suggestions about my various thoughts and opinions here.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 11-17-2013, 10:30 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 31
Default

I just had a terrible weekend and am now at the lowest point I've ever been.

Since this all started 2 weeks ago S has constantly started saying she wants to think about whether or not she even want a relationship. I don't mind her saying this but when she brings it up during a discussion about x/y/z it feels like a means to control.

Yesterday I snapped during a discussion about one specific aspect of all the above problem... she said again that she wanted to have a think about our future. Bringing it up at this point is purely about trying to avoid the issue altogether and then force her own way. Or at least this is how it feels.

I told her about how this makes me feel like she doesn't ever want to genuinely discuss things and wants to just dodge them or force her own way. I told her specifically how it's just breaking me. It feels like our whole relationship revolves around her.

Today we were at a munch. J was there and we wanted to have a chat between the three of us to clear the air. I thought it went well, then afterwards S said that I was constantly talking over her. I really didn't think I was, but if I was then I'm sorry - I am borderline aspergers (I have many traits) and I struggle to know when it's my turn to speak in social situations. S concluded from this that I was clearly putting J ahead of her in terms of my priorities - to conclude this really annoyed me and I tried to reassure, it didn't work and I snapped a bit.

S then went to cry her eyes out in the ladies toilets, J and another friend both then went to try and help calm her down. I sat there fuming in the bar, wanting to reassure her, wanting to comfort her, desperately needing comfort myself...

When she came out we went outside to chat and the first words out her mouth were that she needs to have a think about what she wants to do regarding our future. I saw red, she hit that boundary again hard and I turned my back and walked back into the bar. I tried approaching her 10 minutes later and said I wanted to actually genuinely chat with her, she just said I had my chance and walked away.

It turned nasty at the munch, shouting in front of our friends - the worst thing that could have happened. But I just need us to communicate properly, slowly and with respect for each others insecurities. Why is that so hard to expect? Am I expecting it too soon in our relationship? Am I expecting it too soon after an argument?

I want to support her on her insecurities and want support back on mine, but I can't do that unless we can access them in a discussion without them being flipped round and attacked. In this regard it sometimes feels like I'm the only one wanting to make that effort - it feels like I'm the only one putting emotion and effort into things.

In fairness emotional flooding probably contributed to what happened today, exactly as LR has mentioned before. S had drank 5 glasses of Rose by this point...

I could forget all this though if she'd just be willing to give everything one last effort. A genuine effort with slow and thorough communication.
__________________
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

Dragon_hide on Fetlife

Last edited by LondonGuy; 11-17-2013 at 10:46 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:44 AM.