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Old 03-25-2010, 04:00 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Default Hmmm...Help?

How do you tell another couple....That your wife and you....AND them....are all poly?

Sound weird?

I know.

Here's the deal:

My wife and I have been "dating" this couple for a while now. We told them when we all got together the first time, that we like to remain exclusive with one couple, but that we don't ask them to be that way if they don't wish to be. Well, they were fine with that.

Fast forward about 2 years.

We are still dating them, and sleeping with them. A while back, we mentioned to them that we were thinking that we are more "poly" than "swingers". They shut down. The went silent and literally didn't speak much back to us other than the occasional "yeah" or "no". Things got REALLY awkward. Well, the female of the other cpl was diagnosed with HPV. (We always use condoms) She felt it necessary to let us know about it, and was VERY apologetic about it. We were like "It's not your fault. We're here to help you through this. We really love you guys both."

Well, she had a part of her cervix removed, which apparently removed all of the cancer from her cervix.

In passing, I told her that it looks like we'll just be having sex with them as a couple from now on. She laughed and said yeah. You guys are the only ones we sleep with now anyway. We haven't slept with anyone else for like 2 months. We love you guys too."

This sounded GREAT to us. Then.....We mentioned the "p" word again..."polyamory".....And they shut down again. This is perplexing to my wife and I. We love this couple. We do a lot of things together. We do a lot of things with their kids and our kids together. We love their kids....and they love ours. We tried to tell them that we are all living a poly lifestyle, but they seem to not want to accept it.

The other night, we went out with them and mentioned that we went to a poly support group...They went silent again! We love them....but this "word" seems to be making them shut down. We want to be able to commit ourselves to them, and them to us.....but now we don't think it will ever happen and this saddens us.

Any pointers?
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  #2  
Old 03-25-2010, 04:11 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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It sounds like you guys are in a really good place that many would be jealous of
If everything is working fine then why would you even bring up the word?
Is there something more you want from them that requires you to identify with a specific label? If it is merely the word polyamory that disturbs them, and there will be no noticeable difference in your relationship regardless of how it is referred to, than can't you simply let go of the word?
If you are looking for something more closed like a polyfidelitous agreement than perhaps more talk would be necessary. Otherwise enjoy yourself!

Take care
Mono
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:13 AM
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The simplest thing I can think is not to label it. Just go on being in the relationship that you're in. It doesn't need to be named. You guys are happy and in a dynamic that works for you so why does it matter what they call it?

-Derby
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:13 AM
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Oh yeah, and be careful about refering to them as poly...they may not like being identified that way. I don't and for some weird reason I get very defensive when people say I am.

Hopefully some one else will have better advice LOL!
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It sounds like you guys are in a really good place that many would be jealous of
If everything is working fine then why would you even bring up the word?
Is there something more you want from them that requires you to identify with a specific label? If it is merely the word polyamory that disturbs them, and there will be no noticeable difference in your relationship regardless of how it is referred to, than can't you simply let go of the word?
If you are looking for something more closed like a polyfidelitous agreement than perhaps more talk would be necessary. Otherwise enjoy yourself!

Take care
Mono
Great minds think alike huh?
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Great minds think alike huh?
Yes they do
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:23 AM
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It just feels like we're lying if we don't label it as "poly", but.....I can understand what you mean.

Maybe we (my wife and I) are being too anal about it. LOL
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:33 AM
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Don't look for drama, my friend. If this issue causes stress but otherwise you are happy and healthy, count your blessings There are lots of people just living non-monagamy who simply live it without thought to what to call it or who they "fit in" with. It would be comparable to over analysing breathing...you just do it and it keeps you healthy. Relationships can be the same if we just let them!
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Old 03-25-2010, 05:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
The simplest thing I can think is not to label it. Just go on being in the relationship that you're in. It doesn't need to be named. You guys are happy and in a dynamic that works for you so why does it matter what they call it?

-Derby
I agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
It just feels like we're lying if we don't label it as "poly", but.....I can understand what you mean.

Maybe we (my wife and I) are being too anal about it. LOL
Labels are for boxes. Boxes are for putting stuff in. A lot of people don't like being put in boxes.

The way you describe it, they don't seem ready to "deal" with the idea of being poly. They may not even "be" poly a priori, it could be that they actually are swingers but then they fell in love with you guys. If things end with you, they may return to a swinging lifestyle. By analogy, being in a homosexual relationship doesn't make you gay.

They may also not want the "burden" of another romantic relationship. As they have it now, they have a loving sexual friendship with you. Romantic relationships, once you admit that's what they are, become a lot of work and responsibility. It could be that between parenting and their marriage, they have their hands emotionally full.

I say enjoy what you have and forget about labelling them. It's not fair for people to go around labelling other people, we have to choose our own identities. If they've chosen to identify as swingers, it's not your place to re-label them. They're not packages and you're not UPS
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Old 03-25-2010, 06:14 AM
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It seems to me that some swingers think that poly is another word for flakey, way to committal, hippy love, more to do with family love communial living than sex. Some polyamorous people think that swinging is heartless, just a fuck fest where you don't even know the persons name let alone care about them, and does not consider anyone's feelings whatsoever. Of course this can be true, but also far from it.

There seems to me to be a continum of one thing to the other, there is the possibility of sitting somewhere on that continum all the time, or with certain people and that can change over time also.

Really, definitions to me in my life are about figuring things out and then leaving them alone in order to just live life. Who cares if they identify as swingers and identify as poly? It could make for an interesting discussion if you were to broach it like that perhaps? Or just drop it and carry on with what you have.... who knows, they may ask you one day what you know about it all and show some interest.
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