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  #11  
Old 11-15-2013, 04:16 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
You might want to settle down and figure out if you really are OK with this. Sometimes people only feel they have unmet needs because their spouse does. And that is a very normal reaction to have.
I understand. I have needs for affection, companionship, and attention, pretty much like everyone does, but want to involve other people expressly so my wife doesn't carry the burden. I mentioned my dad's passing; he was my best friend and I think what I need is another best friend, more than a lover or girlfriend, but the reason I'm choosing poly is that I can't really talk about my situation with someone who isn't also poly.

Quote:
Sometimes it is less about the sex and the feeling of falling in love, and more about craving some time without having to be responsible.
She and I have discussed that briefly. She really enjoys not being responsible sometimes and she pouts when I drag her back into the grind because she has a job, bills, and kids (with me!) together. At the end of the day, however, she really does want that job, her kids, and of course me.

Also, I do believe it is all of the love, the sex, and the freedom, since she is taking some of the NRE from her flirting/dating and channeling it into our own love life, as well as admitting she wants more than that.

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Being a parent is an awful lot of responsibility that if you two don't find healthy ways to relieve that pressure and get a "vacation" from those responsibilities you will find yourselves filled with resentment and bitter

and it is something all parents have to deal with, I guess you need to take a moment to honestly figure out whether or not you will be able to handle this. It would really help of your wife chimed in too, as it almost sounds as if both of you are having trouble being getting relief from the pressure of life
That is also something we are working on. We only started dating again this year after 6 years of raising two kids nonstop.

Quote:
Was she honestly upset that the flirting was returned?
She kind of flirting with guys she had crushes on, so yeah I think that would have been disappointing if they didn't return it affection.

Quote:
that is being respectful until they understand that you are OK with that.
Oh, those guys were totally respectful about it (and in general it's a great trait because it means they aren't cheaters/adulterers/scum).

Quote:
It sounds like your wife is in such a need to get a break from being responsible, that she is about to pop

might want to take some deep breathes, you really need to figure out what is really going on and how you are going to deal with it
We are working on it.
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  #12  
Old 11-15-2013, 04:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by Spock View Post
I'm not really an extrovert not a social person, ironically. I'm intensely attached and an introvert, meaning I pick very few close friends and dedicate a lot of attention to them. I don't want to misrepresent the situation.

So therein lies my disappointment; I have no one to share any of this with, and I can't really talk to my wife:
1) That would be monopolizing her time
2) She would feel attacked
3) She can't help because the times I need to talk, she is already out

Just being on this board, reading about others dealing with their emotions, getting people talking to me, and knowing I'm not alone has lifted a tremendous amount if the burden from my shoulders.
I hear ya. I'm an introvert too.

From what you said, it seems like you are not really hankering for a relationship per se but intimacy. You have focused all of your intimacy needs on your wife - which indeed is part of the mainstream model of marriage. But that intimacy can come from lots of different types of relationships - it does not have to be a romantic or sexual connection. See if your close friends would be open to talking with you about this. And if they are not, or if the risks of disclosure would be too great, I strongly suggest to you to go on a mission of finding a few more close, intimate friends.

Finding a close friend, particularly for an introvert, is a long term process that is generally not fast. You have to get out there and meet people - most of whom will not become a acquaintance, much less a good deep friendship. It's a bit like dating - you have to put into the time to get yourself out there so you have the opportunity to meet people you may click with. I'm working on this myself. Honestly it's kind of annoying. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the long run.

Good luck!
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  #13  
Old 11-15-2013, 05:23 PM
AnonymousMe AnonymousMe is offline
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First, let me say that you sound, by your posts, quite calm, rational, and emotionally well composed with this whole new situation. If that is the case then I think you are in quite a good position for making the transition from your expected mono lifestyle to the new one (assuming that it is in fact a transition you want to make).

I have also found it very difficult to meet people, especially if you are looking for a straight women (sorry to generalize but it does seem to be the case), and if you are an introvert by nature. So if it helps at all, you arent the only one in this boat!

Having someone to talk to is very important. You shouldnt feel as though talking to your wife about your feelings, needs, and this new situation is monopolization, and I dont personally think that your wife should feel that way either. Just so long as the conversations are as even keeled as your posts and the topic isnt something that is the one constant point of discussion in your lives (even though it might be the singular focus in your mind most hours of most days).

You should also think about opening up to some of your other close friends or maybe family, provided your wife would be comfortable with that as well. Ironically enough once we started talking to people we have found out that, within our social circle, my wife and I are not the only ones with an open marriage!

The funny thing is, you may find that poly fits you more than you expect. My wife felt very similarly to you when I brought my needs to the table about 6mo ago. She always expected to be with me and only me, in love and devoted. But now, we are both happier than we have been in over a decade and more devoted and in love with each other than every before. She has meet several people, connected with a few of them, and now finds herself in a world where she has to remind herself that not everyone is open/poly!

Good luck in your journey. Just remember that there are a lot of people on here (and even more in the world beyond this forum), many of whom either have shared or are currently sharing your same experiences. You will always find people here to talk to and the advice you will get is almost always sound.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Finding a close friend, particularly for an introvert, is a long term process that is generally not fast. You have to get out there and meet people - most of whom will not become a acquaintance, much less a good deep friendship. It's a bit like dating - you have to put into the time to get yourself out there so you have the opportunity to meet people you may click with. I'm working on this myself. Honestly it's kind of annoying. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the long run.
^^ This +1

Last edited by AnonymousMe; 11-15-2013 at 05:25 PM. Reason: Added quote from opalescent
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  #14  
Old 11-15-2013, 07:20 PM
Please Please is offline
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I'm the wife. Hi everyone and thank you for being so willing to listen and share your thoughts and experiences with us

I don't know how much I can clarify right now as I am still trying to process my own feelings.

Several months ago I started to meet men through work who were very much my "type" and I went out and found myself flirting a lot and eventually developed feelings for someone. I didn't understand why I felt that way because up until that point I had wanted to be with either Spock, my family, or alone.

When the person I had feelings for told me that he didn't have the energy to be in a poly relationship and he would rather be friends, I wanted to respect that and learn how to be his friend without making him uncomfortable. It's something I am still working on and I don't know how it will turn out because I don't think I necessarily have the skills or the personality for it.

Like Spock, I can be very intense. We were intensely focused on each other for the last ten years. I want to maintain the intimacy we have. I have tried to share every part of myself with him and lately, maybe the last two years, I feel like I don't have anything worthwhile left to share.

When I shared my feelings for my new friend, Spock became involved in learning about poly with me and befriended my crush so that we could both get to know him better. They have responded positively. For me it is bittersweet watching them interact because at least I can see him a little more often, and I am glad my husband is making a friend. I must have good taste. :P

But I don't want to be sad over it, so I am trying to figure out if pursuing relationships is what I want, or finding a lover outside of our marriage, or if it was really that I met someone who could be particularly dear to me and it just messed with my head, or something else. And I am dragging my husband along for the ride, and I worry that no matter what I do we will both end up unhappy and facing an impasse.
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  #15  
Old 11-15-2013, 08:34 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Hi, Please! I'm glad you made it.

I'm actively reading up on poly, and posting and joining groups, so it's less of "dragged along for the ride" and more "riding shotgun".
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  #16  
Old 11-17-2013, 09:42 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Spock and Please,
Welcome to our forum.

I see you've already a generous helping of sound thoughts and advice, right on this intro thread. Continue to read and post on our various threads and boards, and you'll continue get sound thoughts and advice.

@ Please ... it sounds like your feelings are floundering somewhat here and there with respect to what you really want and are looking for. It sounds like you're worried that polyamory could threaten the foundations of the very precious marriage you have with Spock.

I would suggest to you that education is your best friend: education, and interaction with experienced polyamorists who can warn you of which dangers are real versus imagined, as well as share cool tips of the trade that you can use should you decide to pursue this as-yet unusual form of romance.

Along those lines I suggest:
These resources will help you get started on the basics of polyamory (and open relationships in general). Having immersed yourself in all that stuff for awhile, you'll probably be in a better position to decide how you feel about polyamory, and whether it's right for you.

In addition, explore Polyamory.com thoroughly in general. Post your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise. If a post of yours gets "lost in the shuffle," you can always post a fresh post so as to get yourself back to the top of the "New Posts queue." Polyamory.com is a crazy-busy site so be patient with us, but more often than not your posts will be heard and answered (with good and helpful guidance and moral support).

@ Spock ... it sounds like what you need most right now is a close local friend and confidant who understands/accepts polyamory and who can spend some quality time with you talking you through the fears and uncertainties that naturally come with any great change (and changing over from monogamy to polymory is a gigantic change). Whether they be a romantic or platonic friend, you just need someone who can lend you some of the attention you're missing from Please.

Along those lines, I suggest looking for the closest possible poly social group in your area. Some poly folks who get together monthly (or more) for socials and potlucks would be great.
... are some links you could start with, in searching for such groups.

Also, you can google "polyamory" with the name of your state or city (or nearby major city), and see if some additional poly groups might not pop up for you to check out and join. Polyamory.com is definitely also a place you can turn to for poly-friendly friendship; but in addition to Polyamory.com (whose members are spread around the globe), you also need people who are "real" and closeby, who you can see and touch. That's why I say, check out those links, and do that googling.

And,

Quote:
"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...57394#msg57394
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 11-18-2013, 05:51 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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I have joined a couple groups, locally, but haven't yet attended any of them. My wife and I are still talking it over too because with each new event (date, kiss, talk, whatever) she finds new things to mull over.

I'm probably not helping since, you know, I'm still processing it too.

We talk as if this is an experiment since we're not sure this is what we want. At the heart she has multiple needs:
1) Me
2) Falling in love with someone else equally awesome
3) The idea that she could love someone else also opened up the idea that she could have multiple lovers
4) Friends

I fall into all three categories, if not perfectly in any single one, but generally being awesome. The difficulty is that it takes time to be friends (lots of repeat exposure over time, building of the relationship, etc), less time to be lovers (Just signing up on OKC got her several hundred greetings from guys in the area), and a lot more time to do both with someone awesome since, by definition of being awesome, they want more than just casual sex and they really want a long term investment in being your friend.
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  #18  
Old 11-18-2013, 07:27 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well, polyamory is all about the combination of romance and abundant friendship, so I feel that you guys are both on the right path, even if it feels disorienting. That feeling will probably ease over time as you both do the over-mulling that you must and need to do.

In the meantime, if any of the links in my above post help and the here and now that should please me greatly, and yet even if any of those links would be overkill at this time, I'm still optimistic that you might find some of them useful later on. So, hold that post's thoughts.

No need to overwhelm yourself with anything, just take in the new world of information a little at a time; process each bite gently, unhurriedly, and thoughtfully before swallowing. This way you don't "gorge yourself on poly" and "make yourself sick."

And if and whenever I might be of some timely service, just let me know and I'll be there to carry it out.

Both of you are well-grounded and circumspect, so I have a good vibe about your present and future (whatever you find is right for you along the way).

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #19  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:32 AM
Please Please is offline
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Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. I will definitely continue to look over the links you shared. There are so many things to think over.

It's true that I am not sure of what I want. I think it depends on which person I'm talking about.
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  #20  
Old 11-20-2013, 03:39 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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-- Well you now have 122,961 Polyamory.com members pulling for you from afar, so take, if you can, consolation from that visual, and the visual itself as a good omen.

Many regards,
Kevin T.
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