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  #31  
Old 07-03-2009, 07:08 AM
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Perhaps you will be similarly surprised at how you evolve over the next 20 years?
Where will we all be I wonder..should be an interesting journey
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  #32  
Old 07-03-2009, 07:32 AM
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I find it interesting your views on our poly meetings mono.... I find that they really are following a group mentality. we have some strong players in that group, one of which is young (25?) well... younger than us anyways, who definitely has a view of poly that is different than ours... her idea is to find more and more lovers and spend her days nursing all those relationships.... okay, she lives on a disability pension and has TIME! we all don't have, besides I wonder if she has ever experienced the all consuming nature of really being in love. I certainly have with mono to the point where the thought of being intimate with anyone else seems shocking and unnatural. even with my husband... never mind any of my other intimate friends. Her opinion has definitely influenced our group!

I think the group is going through a romance really. We all met about six months ago and kind of dated and got to know each other... now we are going through a bit of a stage where we are on the verge of branching off our attentions to individuals... I'm sure some dates have come out of it and I know some friendships have (with the possibilities of more to follow maybe?).

The BBQ we went to on Canada day (july 1st) was an example of the group dividing... we hung out, all three of us and our boy, at one of the members houses and got to know each other better as individuals. I think a division in the group is beginning by the fact that we congregate to those who we feel comfortable with too.

I'm interested to see what will come out of it all and whether or not there is a break up at the end of it and we will all go our separate ways.

I sometimes wish we didn't involve ourselves in it all as I have a very fragile heart sometimes and take things very personally when things don't work out with people. I can't seem to leave it and say "oh well" *shrug* I beat myself up about it for days and mourn. I get a great sense of loss. I sometimes think it's better to just not be involved.

I wonder too if being involved has changed our path? I don't think so but.... really, when it is just us three we do a lot better sometimes... things run more smoothly. But then again there is that dratty thing called "wanting to fit in." I want community and I want to fit in.... I am hoping to find that in our group. Not necessarily with the whole group, but with new friends made from the group....

this is all going off topic kinda.... but I believe I started this thread so.... so there!
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  #33  
Old 07-03-2009, 07:38 AM
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[QUOTE=redpepper;2475]"wanting to fit in."
QUOTE]

I needed to modify this response:I could care less about fitting in..I just want to love you forever I do value what you want and need though, so it is important to me in that way, just not in any other LOL!

But it is your thread so you win regardless!!

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-03-2009 at 07:42 AM.
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  #34  
Old 07-03-2009, 07:52 AM
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For me, it was developing a tremendous bond with a long term friend over 20 years, eventually moving into realizing my heart had enlarged and was certainly capable of embracing the poly life. The sexual act of making love, only sealed the deal. For others I'm sure it happens quickly.
It does happen in different ways.... for mono and I it was instant love... under a week and I broke all my poly "getting to know them" rules and my very patient husband was meeting him and faced with me wanting to stay over... wow, when I think back! what a trusting and wonderfully grounded and compersion filled man to be able to go through what he did!

With my intimate friend that I share with my husband it has been very different. We knew him before we were married and were all friends who met together. I dated his now wife for a bit and we raised our babies together. Now that they are all 6 year old babies, we have discovered it's time to achieve what we always knew would happen and that is to start a sexual relationship based on mutual interest in kink and bisexuality (well for the men anyways). We all love and care for each other deeply because of our shared history and trust in a life time friendship. The love is not as deep as I have for mono by any stretch, but it is full bodied and comfortable. It makes sense and our friendship was sealed by becoming sexual.

I have learned a great deal in the last months in regards to definitions of poly.... I think the biggest has been how much sex seals a relationship for me and how I should not take this lightly. To me the definition rides heavily on the level of commitment that comes with sharing ones body with another and respecting that commitment and the sacredness of it.... I won't be giving myself away so easily now that I am certain of poly's definition for me... my body is a mystery and is sacred. I am committing to myself that I will only share it with those that are worthy and who will respect and cherish me through their love. I have given so much under the definition of poly that is one of "free love" (swinging, open), and I am now taking back what I have given to make myself whole again. Now I am living my poly life in a new way, full of chosen family, passion, caring and commitment, and am certain that it is right for me and my loves.
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  #35  
Old 07-03-2009, 01:35 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Wow Redpepper! Talk about evolving! Sounds like there have been some major changes in your thinking and loving taking place. I can't argue with them as they more closely fit my definition of poly. Maybe my defintion like Mono's is just so much more closely entwined with the "norm" we were all brought up with, than so many of the free spirited, free swinging people already entrenched in this lifestyle?

In this situation as in life we all seem to change and go our separate ways. In each stage of life we are closer to a certain group of people, circumstances change (kids stop going to scouts, etc) and we lose contact with that group as we wonder into another stage of our lives. In raising our kids I have found that to be only natural and it has occurred about 3 different times in 18 years. Perhaps your poly group or you yourselves are now entering one of those stages?

Regardless, we continue along this journey (life), we do need others to travel with, we are not good alone. We can choose who we want to travel with. So what if we choose 1 partner or 2? or for some 3? The bottom line is we have these choices. I have chosen my two. I hope they continue to choose me, too. I sincerely hope you both continue in happiness along this journey, too.
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  #36  
Old 07-04-2009, 02:03 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I am often frustrated at the sense I get from some people at our poly meetings that to be poly you have to be constantly open to the possibility of new relationships of varying degrees. It’s like if you aren’t available and willing to date you are not part of the club...if that's the memebership requirement, I'm out, I can't and won't do it.
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If you have the ability or are in fact intimately and openly in love with more than one person you are polyamorous. It doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily be constantly available to other poly people to “test the waters” in hopes of forming a new relationship. You may never add another Life Love to your life. That doesn’t mean you are not poly.
In some ways it seems the Mono one seems to 'get it' almost better than the poly's...particularly in that group. Does that seem the least bit ironical to anyone else?

There's more to add....but I'm pressed on time before there's tassles and tatas.
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  #37  
Old 07-04-2009, 02:26 AM
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Imaginary Illusion,

Thanks for the kind words. Take care and I look forward to your expanded thoughts on this topic when time permits!


Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-04-2009 at 03:40 AM.
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  #38  
Old 07-04-2009, 02:45 PM
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I don't think so but.... really, when it is just us three we do a lot better sometimes... things run more smoothly. But then again there is that dratty thing called "wanting to fit in." I want community and I want to fit in....
Seeing how we are off topic anyways....

I'm curious what "wanting to fit in" means. Does wanting to fit in mean conforming to what everyone else seems to be doing or expects? I have a teenage daughter and have seen her do lots of stuff just because she wanted to fit in and some of it was not actually what she wanted.

I guess I just worry that it is external pressure that shapes a lot of behaviour in any social community....even the polyamorous one LOL! I'm starting to see a lot of behaviour in our limited community that is similar to the "dreaded expectations" of monogamy; only monogamy preaches "it's not normal to have sex with others" and polyamory teaches, "it's not normal to not have sex with others".

Action based on human nature I understand. Action based on the expectations of others or a need to feel accepted by others I do not.

I believe in doing what is in your nature, not in what is natural to the people around you If that is what guides your path than it is right regardless of what that path leads to...following our heart is what I am thinking makes old people have no regrets.

Lots of Love Sunshine..smooch!
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  #39  
Old 07-04-2009, 03:31 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Following your heart is the best advice you can give, Mono. Following others because of their expectations of you, makes you a sheep. Who wants to be a sheep?

For decades my eye was always on the future. Studying, planning, working. I missed quite a bit of life. Thank God(if you believe) for my wife and her giving me the freedom in our narriage to do many things, never once applying a stranglehold on me....and that was way before I even thought of going down the poly trail! You only get one dance. This ain't no dress rehearsal. We can't go round again. Do what you love, love the way you want. Screw the sheep! Well, er, not literally......that's a whole different community I want no part of, thank you...lol
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  #40  
Old 07-04-2009, 04:40 PM
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Since we're already quite off topic anyway...

This thread is a great example of why I don't like to lable myself in any specific way. Seems to me that people get themselves hung up on definitions about who they are and who other people are rather than just living their life with what feels right. I don't think that I can fit who I am into a neat little box that will sum up who I am and how I relate to others. Part of the reason I don't like labeling myself in any particular way is that to do it I might have to solidify myself into that definition forever. I've found over the past few years that who I am is more fluid than I had expected.

I'm hoping that this doesn't sound like an attack on anyone. It's just my thoughts after reading the last 4 pages. Carry on with the topic...or should I say off topic
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