I totally feel like I'm all over the place with my emotions. I want off this rollercoaster. Plus the things that are causing me to feel uneasy aren't the things that I thought would make me feel uneasy. Yet again it's because I'm comparing what I have with what my husband's new GF has (which is his actual physical presence). I've discovered that I'm not comfortable with sleepovers at this point. I thought I would be and that it would be no big deal since he's not here with me anyway. But all it did was to reinforce how lonely I am here by myself. You would think that it would be physical intimacy that would be a problem but my issue is with the cuddling. I miss being cuddled and held all night. And it's selfish and stupid but if I haven't been having it I'm not at the point that I'm ready to share that part of him with another. (Keep in mind we're still at less than a week since they first met).
So my solution for the time being was to ask on facebook if anyone wanted to be my cuddle buddy this weekend. With any luck if I can get myself some cuddles (from somone over 3 feet tall). I might be able to be more mature about this boundary of mine. I do know that it's silly so no one has to tell me that. My husband and I have also come to an agreement for the time being that he will text me when he gets home to tell me goodnight and that he loves me. For now that's what I need. I so wish I could process things quicker and just be ok with everything right off. I just don't work that way. And unfortunately not working that way makes me feel like a bad person.
And then there's the upside of the roller coaster where there's someone that I've been connecting with. I think about her a lot and I get excited when I know I'm going to see her. I'm just trying to get a feel for how to procede with her though as there was a rather bad breech of boundaries on new years and I don't want to screw up again. So things are moving a little slowly there. But we do have a potential movie date for when I get home.
I feel like I'm a teenager going through nutty mood swings. By my age I should be over that. Next thing it will be pimples!