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  #11  
Old 11-14-2013, 07:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm a little confused about when you were trying to let other people in. Is this just since the break-up? It seems that the mourning period would be far to fresh for you to be ready to let new people in before you've healed from the last one.

Comparing polyamory to being someone's one and only... apples and oranges. Both delicious in their own right, assuming you like apples and/or oranges. Some people are inclined towards monogamy, so for them, being someone's one and only is a great feeling. For me, it's too much pressure. It requires me to single-handedly meet 100% of their sexual and emotional needs and desires.

I do believe that each relationship should be fulfilling in its own right, but I also enjoy the... convenience... of relying on some people more for fulfilling some needs, and others for others. For example, Auto is very empathic, always knows when something is wrong, and can listen objectively without trying to fix the problem. Gralson is a typical male problem-solver. Whenever I go to him for emotional support, he just tries to fix it, even when it's not his problem to fix. I used to go to my mom for what I now get from Auto, but my mom would just go into pity mode and then I'd end up reassuring her that my life wasn't completely awful, I was just having this one problem.

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I could try and make objective judgments about us where I put ourselves down, but I'm not going to.
If you're deliberately putting yourselves down, is it really objective? Or just the subjectivity pendulum swinging too far the other way?
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  #12  
Old 11-14-2013, 12:41 PM
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I'm a little confused about when you were trying to let other people in.
The breakup was in July. Over the past few weeks I've had a skype sex buddy, slept with 2 girls, and made out and grinded with one more. I feel the worst pit I've ever felt in my life, I can't even explain it. Our circumstances are probably desperate and pathetic...I don't know. But sex without her was the most miserable experience in my life by far and I still have yet to tell her. It's like, by proxy, I have to believe what she believes or else I crash and burn all alone. She soothes me and fulfills me like I've never felt before.

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Some people are inclined towards monogamy, so for them, being someone's one and only is a great feeling. For me, it's too much pressure.
That makes sense. One of the things she was lashing out about was how much pressure it was to be that for me. That was also why polyamory really attracted me as an idea. But I guess as it's been said before, if a relationship is floundering, adding another person into it won't fix it...I suppose. She's wonderful and fulfills all my needs...when she believes in herself. Sometimes she gets insecure and pulls back when I only want more and I want to be okay even when she does this, but it's frustrating sometimes. A lot, really.

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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If you're deliberately putting yourselves down, is it really objective? Or just the subjectivity pendulum swinging too far the other way?
I wish I believed in this more. I do get too hard on myself. I need to accept myself and love myself more. I've been through a lot especially lately and it gets really hard.

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I do believe that each relationship should be fulfilling in its own right, but I also enjoy the... convenience... of relying on some people more for fulfilling some needs, and others for others. For example, Auto is very empathic, always knows when something is wrong, and can listen objectively without trying to fix the problem. Gralson is a typical male problem-solver. Whenever I go to him for emotional support, he just tries to fix it, even when it's not his problem to fix. I used to go to my mom for what I now get from Auto, but my mom would just go into pity mode and then I'd end up reassuring her that my life wasn't completely awful, I was just having this one problem.
I'm glad you found a solution that works for you. I have really good friends who love me and support me. But talking to my ex, just small things from her make my whole body tingle and fill with euphoria. It's an addicting bliss and talking to other friends, gah, I wish it worked better. I want a net to rely on, not just one person. I far prefer being a positive person, I want that back.

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It seems that the mourning period would be far to fresh for you to be ready to let new people in before you've healed from the last one.
So yeah, you could say that.
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  #13  
Old 11-14-2013, 01:36 PM
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So there was an imbalance in your relationship with your gf. She's your everything! But it sounds like she felt smothered by your needs. So you thought. OK, I am too reliant on her, I will get other gfs and friends to support me. But when you got other sex partners, your gf got jealous? She doesn't want to feel pressured to be your everything, but when you got others, she then felt jealous?

Yes, becoming a bit more self loving and self reliant is a good idea. We all need a foundation of self caring.

As RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love anybody else?" Your love for her might feel, to her, like a drowning man clinging to her as a life raft.

Of course, this kind of desperate, one and only, you're my everything forever and ever "love" is totally supported in our culture, in our media, in our dreams of fairy tale weddings and happily ever afters. But, this dream is a lie. Especially if you are really wired for polyamory (as many of us here are). I'd say it's too soon to tell with you if you're wired for "one and only" love, or for multiple loves. You need to work on yourself, your self love.
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  #14  
Old 11-14-2013, 02:26 PM
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So there was an imbalance in your relationship with your gf.
It's not so much an imbalance...we can both be like this. I'm more vocal about it though, she tends to grin and bear it, pulling back more. So in a sense, I guess there is an imbalance. I'm trying to be more self-reliant and it's hard.

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But when you got other sex partners, your gf got jealous? She doesn't want to feel pressured to be your everything, but when you got others, she then felt jealous?
She didn't get jealous. At this point we were "broken up" so she was on her own trying to move on. She didn't get jealous, she just couldn't possibly believe in it. She's raised Catholic and believes profoundly in marriage in a more traditional sense. Not that I don't, I'd love to marry her and enjoy the happily-ever-after's with her. It's just, as I fear, and as you said, is it a lie? Or perhaps, is it just too much stress for us? It's like a damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of situation. Hopefully as we talk we'll find a better resolve.

Thanks again for all the support, everyone, it means a lot. It helps.
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  #15  
Old 11-14-2013, 03:34 PM
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How old are you? If you are in your early 20s and this was your first real relationship/love, I'd advise you to take your time deciding on whether to commit to someone long term. There's dating, there's moving in together, renting or buying a house, there's marriage, kids... take baby steps. I know young people "want it all and we want it NOW," as Jim Morrison once said. But taking your time and being careful has its benefits.

Especially since your breakup was terrible, full of "bottled up rage." It's a good idea to learn how to communicate your feelings and negotiate boundaries as issues come up, being completely honest every step of the way, owning your own shit, not expecting someone else to carry your baggage.

Don't bottle things up, but also learn how to communicate in a respectful way, using responsive listening, no name calling, no cursing.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, 37
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  #16  
Old 11-14-2013, 04:20 PM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
How old are you? If you are in your early 20s...
Early 20s...let's go with that

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...and this was your first real relationship/love, I'd advise you to take your time deciding on whether to commit to someone long term.
I agree. I was coming out of a breakdown the other day so I was still emotionally fried and desperate. I'm realizing just how that's the very mindset which made me smothering in the first place. I'm making all efforts to stay positive and feel okay. Meditating and focusing on my works and studies, not losing myself like I would. Even for my age, I'm young, and I'm trying, working on being a better man first. And I'm working on being okay whether my ex texts me or not, unlike how it was. I want to be okay.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Especially since your breakup was terrible, full of "bottled up rage." It's a good idea to learn how to communicate your feelings and negotiate boundaries as issues come up, being completely honest every step of the way, owning your own shit, not expecting someone else to carry your baggage.

Don't bottle things up, but also learn how to communicate in a respectful way, using responsive listening, no name calling, no cursing.
God, every part of this deserves its own response. It's so spot-on. She did more of the raging and name-calling, but definitely I expected her to carry my baggage. That was shitty of me. God, I need to get my thoughts forward. Thank you for your insight.
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  #17  
Old 11-16-2013, 04:10 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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That's an interesting contrast. Could you go into it more? What's your history with lovers and feeling love. Heartbreaks? Anxieties? What kind of things were you raised believing or being into? Shows, movies, books....I don't know.

It's weird to think I might not be suited for polyamory despite having such a personal fascination and attraction to it. But I sort of feel like that whenever I get close to someone? (emotions are confusing, basically....)
Someone below mentioned pressures of being one person's everything, fulfilling all needs.

Absolutely. I actually very much dislike being the only source of ANYTHING for a person, intimacy, emotional support, friendship, drinking partner, etc It's what makes me think I'm suited to poly; I don't get jealous, I feel relieved. Plus I tend towards family style poly, so I'm involved, on some level with all partners.

I understand being attracted to the lifestyle and fascinated....and while I won't say you AREN'T...I WILL say that fascination with it, doesn't mean poly is your thing. I'm fascinated by some of the darker aspects of BDSM....doesn't mean I'd actually be happy in the lifestyle.
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  #18  
Old 11-16-2013, 04:47 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Someone below mentioned pressures of being one person's everything, fulfilling all needs.

Absolutely. I actually very much dislike being the only source of ANYTHING for a person, intimacy, emotional support, friendship, drinking partner, etc It's what makes me think I'm suited to poly; I don't get jealous, I feel relieved. Plus I tend towards family style poly, so I'm involved, on some level with all partners.
I definitely agree with you. The pressure to be each other's everything was pretty much what split us apart. I mean, combined with both of our mutual doormattish gentleness with each other and whatnot. In ways we were both afraid to say things that would be too harsh, but when it comes down to it, when we do, I feel like that's when we're at our closest. Unafraid, unabashedly speaking our hearts, free from guilt and whatnot. (I know this isn't meant to be a general relationship board, if that irks anyone I apologise (see it was that same guilt which we'd keep having! Curses, it comes back again)) Anyway, I think it's a cathartic thing even though it tends to end in tears for us >.> we started to explore BDSM sexually and I think it's the same idea. Being totally unhingedly honest even when it involves anger or dismay, with love, it turns incredibly cathartic for us. It tends to involve tears, but I think they're of healing.

It's been a pretty intense emotional rollercoaster for me, lots of ups and downs and returning to different perspectives. Just last night we had a long-overdue frank, honest kinda conversation and I feel tons better. There were things I was pissed off about between us that I just wasn't being honest about, and when I told her, she was hurt but finally opened up about some things she wasn't telling me (out of fear for hurting me, ironically having the reverse effect) and then we both just, said it all. It was about damn time! And at the end of it I told her I need space to move on. She's young and so am I, she wasn't ready for marriage and honestly, neither am I. Just lots of uncommunicated fears and anxieties and feelings finally came out and finally got us closer again. She's a fantastic friend and I'm remaking it my mission to test the waters more and see where life takes us. As we're thicker than thieves, I can't imagine we'll be far apart. My libido is refreshed some now that the baggage was sorted through and I feel good.

We both needed space and badly. She's probably going the more conservative route (good luck and power to 'er) dating one boy at a time, and I'm...well, still exploring and whatnot Not taking shit, bending over backwards, or denying I'm angry are huge to-do's to keep myself honest and in check.

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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I understand being attracted to the lifestyle and fascinated....and while I won't say you AREN'T...I WILL say that fascination with it, doesn't mean poly is your thing. I'm fascinated by some of the darker aspects of BDSM....doesn't mean I'd actually be happy in the lifestyle.
That's a fair analogy. I'd think however that BDSM is different in that it can get increasingly more extreme for added pain and pleasure, even beyond the realm of physical possibility. Leaving polyamory to the imagination is something like dreaming of a life one isn't living... you know? They seem like different kinds of fantasies to me. Anyways...

I guess the moral of all of this is youth is wasted on the youthful, haha.
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  #19  
Old 11-16-2013, 05:33 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I



That's a fair analogy. I'd think however that BDSM is different in that it can get increasingly more extreme for added pain and pleasure, even beyond the realm of physical possibility. Leaving polyamory to the imagination is something like dreaming of a life one isn't living... you know? They seem like different kinds of fantasies to me. Anyways...

I guess the moral of all of this is youth is wasted on the youthful, haha.
Poly can get "more and more extreme" to the point of being beyond physical possibility as well.
Just saying.
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  #20  
Old 11-16-2013, 04:53 PM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Poly can get "more and more extreme" to the point of being beyond physical possibility as well.
Just saying.
I suppose so. Still, I think for BDSM that's more the point, no? Or I could be wrong...
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