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Old 11-13-2013, 04:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Are all hub type areas.

But the specific ones you could start with? Potential pitfalls -- inherent in the open relationship model itself or in the skills/behaviors of the people trying to practice them.




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Old 11-14-2013, 02:14 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
This is helpful, particularly the "Avoid the Pitfalls of Polyamory" notes, which I hadn't seen before! Thanks!
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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Old 01-25-2015, 03:24 AM
annaX annaX is offline
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Default Wife interested in Poly, but not sure how to bring it up to husband.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and together for 5 years. We also have a 3 year old...
Over the last year or so I've been thinking a lot about opening our relationship. When I've brought it up in the past my husband just jokes about having a 3some, and I get shy and move on from the topic. He's a really good dude. We get along great, and co-parent wondefully, but I find myself craving more affection and intimacy. My partner can be kind of emotionally unavailable and cold... Its not his intention but kind of how he operates. As much as I love him, and accept him, it doesn't necessarily mean I have accepted a life with out the warmth and passion that I crave. I use to think I was wrong to crave things outside of my marriage, but after finding out a friend of mine is poly, and after him describing the pros and con's to me, it seems like everything I've ever wanted. I want to feel unified with anyone I may have that deep connection with, and I also don't want to live a life resiting my feelings and causing myself more suffering. I just want to love and be loved, deeply and often.

As a mother, I am also worried about what effect this could have on my marriage. Our daughter is very important to us, of course, and I don't want to do anything to upset our safety and comfort levels within our home.

Does anyone have any wisdom on how to approach my husband about wanting to explore polyamory, without making it come off like I'm unhappy or as if he isnt fulfilling me... I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I also want to be open and honest.

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Old 01-25-2015, 12:50 PM
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graviton graviton is offline
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Its highly unlikely you can do it without hurting his feelings. From what I have seen the only way poly can be brought up in the middle of a monogamous marriage without hurting feelings is by suggesting a triad. That is, finding a partner both spouses can share (assuming one of them is bisexual). Triads in general are very difficult to start and even harder to maintain than each spouse finding their own partner. I would suggest the following...
1. tell your husband about your poly friend and what you discussed with him
2. I am unsure if this poly friend is somebody that you are interested in being with, but if he is I would strongly suggest you distancing yourself from him for the time being.
3. if he is not a romantic interest then introduce him to your husband and sit down and have some talks
4. If your husband does not violently oppose the notion of poly then both you and your husband should start reading anything and everything you can on this forum.
5. You may find after all of the talking and research that your desire for poly will subside after some of the discoveries that you have made. But after a few months of looking into it if it still sounds good to you then perhaps you can start constructing agreements between the two of you on how to proceed.
6. Take it slooooooow. For now treat poly in the same manner that you would if you are trying to decide if your family wants to become Amish, because that is the level of upheaval and change in thinking that both of you will experience.

Last edited by graviton; 01-25-2015 at 01:06 PM.
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Old 01-25-2015, 01:26 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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As a mother, I am also worried about what effect this could have on my marriage. Our daughter is very important to us, of course, and I don't want to do anything to upset our safety and comfort levels within our home.
Just discussing this with your husband could cause upset and upheaval in your marriage. Think about it - you are asking him to change the entire structure of his life. If he reacts unfavorably, you could very well upset the safety and comfort levels of your home. Once it is out, there is no shoving it back into the box, so to speak. There are many, many posts here from people who are struggling to accept their new dynamic and failing. You need to weigh just how important it is to you against the possibility of divorce.

That said, some spouses are accepting and jump on the poly bandwagon enthusiastically. Others tred cautiously, and things progress slowly. I would definitely recommend you read a lot prior to having a discussion with your husband. Opening Up and More Than Two are usually recommended.
A modern day polyamorous polygamist My Online Journal

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Old 01-25-2015, 01:52 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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I brought up the subject 10 years into a monogamous relationship without anything blowing up. My husband was concerned initially but we were really happily married and I didn't want to do anything to upset that so we discussed feelings at length but I never pressured him to be ok with acting on those feelings. I was attracted to and feeling love for an old boyfriend who happened to be friends with both of us.
Slowly my husband started to suggest things he felt ok with and we took baby steps towards finding a comfortable situation.
I'm not saying there was never any feeling of upset but my husband has said over and over that it was so much easier than he would ever have though (he's completely monogamous(') because I wasn't in any hurry. We're 5.5years down the line from that conversation, I only get to see my friend irregularly because he's far away but we talk when we can and he comes to stay with us a few weekends a year. It's no less lovely for being a slow burn kind of situation.
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Old 01-25-2015, 04:31 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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I also brought poly to a formerly monogamous marriage and our home life is largely unchanged. For me, what worked was finding my own peace with my feelings and desires, then that peace spread to discussions with my husband. We did not have to have long talks, but we did have a few months of willing uncertainty about what our marriage would be going forward. I can see (having experienced) how poly can be successfully introduced to a mature marriage if both partners contribute to a pre-existing foundation of generosity, love and self reflection - also qualities that make for successful poly relationships.
~ Karen
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you struggle.

If he "warmed up" -- would you still want poly then? If not? Perhaps putting energy into asking his willingness to do those things might be better. What behaviors are "warm" to you? Have you asked him if he's willing to do those things already?

Because if the problem is getting X behaviors done by HIM, getting X from another person isn't going to quite fit the bill. That only works if the problem is "getting X in general."

I like being direct. In your shoes? I would ask him how willing is he to do the behaviors you find "warm." Don't tell him you think he is "cold" and want "warm." People can get tangled in evaluations. Just ask for the behavior you want. There is a difference between asking...

"I think you are a cold fish. Can't you kiss me goodbye when you leave for work or something?"


"I would like it if you kissed me before leaving for work. Could you be willing to do that?"

If this is about poly... I would also ask him direct about his willingness to explore reading about poly with you if that is still something you want even if he were warm.

Why the fear of hurt feelings when you are asking what he is/is not up for? You are not out to hurt him on purpose. You are seeking information -- where he stands on his "willing and able." What do you think could happen/change when you ask that is bad that you two cannot handle?

If BOTH are willing/able, maybe you both could read together. There are many links and books and things out there. Here's just a few to get started.



Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-25-2015 at 06:33 PM.
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:13 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hi annaX,

I think graviton is probably right: It's not likely that hurt can be avoided when you have this talk with your husband. I would make the initial conversation start out as direct as possible. Well, first I would schedule it ("Honey, there's something really important I need to talk about; when would it be a good time to talk?"), get the both of you sitting down (in private) in a calm frame of mind, then start out something like, "Honey, I have become interested in polyamory, and would like to know what you think." Actually instead of "polyamory" (an underground word to most people), I might say, "ethical nonmonogamy."

You'd have to play by ear. Every word or action you chose from that point would depend on your husband's responses. The way it went in my poly unit, Snowbunny (the lady of the house) talked with her husband about it not once but many many times over the course of a year, giving him time (like a few weeks) to think/absorb in between the talks that they had. It took him a year to modify his thought processes enough to say, "Okay I'll try it," and even then I think it took him a few more years to really get comfortable with living this polyamorous life.

And I will tell you, Snowbunny reported to me that many of these talks with her husband were difficult. A few were very, very difficult: hours of mutually tear-filled pain. Monogamy is strongly programmed into most people, and cracking that code is nearly impossible for many people.

I'm not trying to scare you out of trying, I'm just giving you fair notice that you'll need a lot of courage, and there is a risk involved. But then, everything in life is a risk. If you don't have this talk with your husband, will you end up regretting that decision? It's very possible.

I am anxious to hear what you decide, and how it goes. Keep us updated if you're willing.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:48 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Originally Posted by annaX View Post
My partner can be kind of emotionally unavailable and cold... Its not his intention but kind of how he operates. As much as I love him, and accept him, it doesn't necessarily mean I have accepted a life with out the warmth and passion that I crave.
I would also strongly suggest you not consider opening your marriage up at this time, even if you decide with your husband that is something you eventually want to consider, but focusing on what you say here. Poly will not fix anything that is broken in a marriage, it will do the opposite: it will shine a spotlight on it. The best poly relationships I've seen aren't because one partner feels something is "missing" in their current relationships (in fact, I've seen exactly all of the poly relationships started for that reason explode spectacularly, with lots of pain and drama for everyone), but entirely the reverse. The relationships I've seen, and been in, that thrived in a poly lifestyle were those where the participants were stable, loving, supportive, and simply wanted to share love and experiences with others.
Bi Female in VA with a passion for outdoor adventure, cooking, reading, health and fitness, and adventure!

Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
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coming out, coming out poly, communication, dating, disclosure, help sought, ldr, long distance love, new and confused, new to poly

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