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  #11  
Old 11-11-2013, 01:53 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
What are you and your husband holding on? A loveless, irretrievably broken marriage......... He might be swinging to fill the empty sex life, but there might come a day when he wants to feel loved. You cannot give that to him, so you need to free him so he can find a woman who can give him what he needs. Ry
I hear ya but, when you've been married as long as I have and have what every sees as being special it's hard to give up lifelong security and friendship. We met in 10th grade and never separated once. We are pretty much all each other has. Our kids are grown and we don't have many " friends" or family. True we don't have lust, passion, etc... all the things that come with a new relationship and we aren't having sex and on the rare occasions we do I'm usually crying siliently.....but I do not see other marriages as long as ours having that either. It's gonna be hard but I definetly agree with you that we need to talk honestly. He does not want Poly and says most woman don't want that either. He wants me to want him...but I just don't know how to make that happen. I want him as my best friend but not much else.


Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am not understanding how you can blame him for wanting to be upstanding and wanting to do the right thing by his children. How about you be a good friend and support him? If you love him, then, you should want to be a shoulder he can cry on or just be there to listen to him. Circumstances mean you cannot be romantically involved. Divorce eventually comes to a head. Children get older.

Ry
He did get full custody of his children but other leagal issues are pending with the divorce. I'm not blaming him but it seems that his reasons are not solid and he didn't think before he got involved with me again. He's walked away from me and left me with problems I didn't know I would have after all this. He's not there for me to talk to since I don't want to burden him with anything because I do love him and want to be supportive of what's going on with him. Also he hasn't reached out to me at all. When I confront him about it, he just says he doesn't want me to get crazy. There is no promise of a future. He says in 6 years when his life is his own he'll be able to do what he wants.
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  #12  
Old 11-11-2013, 03:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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The problem is I don't understand completely and I have lost a lot because of my love for him.
I am sorry you are hurting.

But to me it seems you haven't lost anything because of love. You seem to have lost a lot of things because of your behavior, and because you are not firm of purpose. You could make up your mind. Then align your behavior accordingly.

Apologize to your husband for...

1) breaking limits
2) Pushing for time with B
3) checking out of the marriage.
4) Lying -- when you swing when you don't really want to, when you have sex with husband and you don't really want to, etc.

Doing that could help your spiritual health if you haven't done it already. Don't go against your own grain. That is on the (YOU) level.

On the (HUSBAND) level... how is it "friendly" toward your husband to be doing stuff like that? If you want to be his friend... BE his friend. Stop doing unfriendly behaviors. Talk it out. Assess if you are willing and able to revive the marriage and if he is willing able to revive the marriage. Then commit to reviving it with purpose. If BOTH are not willing and able? Then commit to ending the marriage with purpose. This wishy-washy blase attitude that is neither here not there towards the marriage is serving neither of you well OR the marriage well. It isn't friendly behavior toward you, him or marriage.

To end the marriage with grace and as peacefully as possible -- THAT is more friendly and respectful behavior. You could do that.

You complain there is no passion, etc in it. I do not see you list behaviors that HELP or INSPIRE passion to emerge that you do. Or that he does. Could call it the end of the run if neither you or husband is willing to put in the effort to tend to the marriage. Then that frees you up later to pursue B if that's what you want to be doing.

Could do this CLEAN rather than all messy crazy.

And YES. There is a risk that you will be divorced and friends with your ex-husband. And B is still not in the picture. But you will have gained honest friendship with the ex-husband and regain your spiritual health, emotional health, mental health.

Right now you are in VERY poor health. Could take it one thing at a time here.
  • STOP doing things you really don't want to be doing so new crap stops piling on to the load.
  • START doing things you want to be doing in a clean, honest, ethical way. That helps shovel away the crap that already accumulated.

See if that serves you better.
  • Return to right relationship with yourself first.
  • Then return to right relationship with your husband/ex-husband person. If the relationship is now "friend" then update all things that need updating to make it so. Including ending a dead marriage. BE the relationship shape it is here. Honestly.
  • Return to right relationship with B -- whether he's an ex BF or new BF or whatever. BE that relationship shape there.

In that order. You could honor commitments/disband commitments in the order in which they were made. Could clean up the old before starting new.

Restore order to your universe. You can do this.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-11-2013 at 03:07 PM.
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  #13  
Old 11-11-2013, 05:16 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I You could honor commitments/disband commitments in the order in which they were made. Could clean up the old before starting new.

Restore order to your universe. You can do this.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
You are right! I'm just afraid. it's a very big step to take and could end even worse than it is now but the right thing to do. I'm sure my husband won't like what I have to say but probably already surmises my feelings and needs aren't being met. But the truth is always best!

I don't know what I have to offer my husband in terms of a new committment when my feelings are all over the place. Also idk if I can or want to recommit this is my fear for him to hear me say that and I have nobody
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  #14  
Old 11-11-2013, 05:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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It is ok to feel afraid.

But in order to feel better? Between what iffing doom and taking positive action? Taking positive actions helps bring feelings of "secure" back. What iffing doom just brings feelings of "Aaaaahhh!" Which are you feeding?

Take it in baby steps.

Tell your husband you are struggling.

Tell him your (list of needs) that are not being met at this time. Ask if he's willing/able to meet them at this time. And if not willing/able, what blocks him and if he could BECOME willing/able over time?

Ask him for his needs. Tell him if you are willing/able to meet them or not. And if not willing/able, what blocks you and if you could BECOME willing/able over time?

When you examine all these things, does that mean the marriage can continue because the needs will be met? Or come to an end because the people in it are no long willing/able to tend to it or each other in healthy ways?

Then move it along to the next step -- whether the goal is (rebuilding) or (ending) the marriage. Become firm of purpose, and then align behavior to support the goal. No more sitting on the fence.

You can't move it forward without this talk, and you seem tired of being in the stuck. So... could move it along. Could feel afraid, and then do what needs doing anyway so you can feel better in time.

How can people help you have this conversation? You need help forming the words? Articulating needs? Something else?

Quote:
I don't know what I have to offer my husband in terms of a new committment when my feelings are all over the place.
You could ASK your husband what he would want/need from you. Then determine if you are willing/able to provide those things. You are not a mind reader.
Quote:
Also idk if I can or want to recommit. This is my fear for him to hear me say that and I have nobody
You seem to be letting your fear of being alone rule your life and keep you from less than honest/ethical behavior.

You could decide to flip it. Start to behave in ways that are honest, ethical and assertive. Then you don't have fear being alone because people enjoy being with you. BECAUSE you are an honest, ethical person.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-11-2013 at 05:45 PM.
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  #15  
Old 11-11-2013, 06:55 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I feel like sometimes it was his grand plan to fuck my life up, but then again you'd have to know B LOL. Although, I'm sure it really wasn't. It just seems awfully inconsiderate of him to do this an not have to see what I'm going through as a result. The reason I say that is because he was going through this custody battle and other issues when we got reconnected and he knew that I was still involved with the swing world. Maybe he thought it could work and then realized it wouldn't. Although, I do not agree with him. He got full custody of his children but there are still some other legal issues possibly pending due to a bad divorce which I do not think is final. I think he's probably not in a place to give me what he'd hoped to give me and realizes he needs to have a real life with someone who isn't involved with swinging.....but then again IDK? He's told me very little that would make sense about why he's ended our relationship and to me it seems more like paranoia. I can't prevent his feelings but for him to start things up again and walk away without any real issue is hard for me to handle. I just try to keep trusting what he's said that he needs to be there for his kids and somehow I can cause a problem for him?????? This is why I want to blame him. But he's also said what you said below:




So if I'm a real friend I wouldn't be trying to negotiate and just understand where he's coming from. The problem is I don't understand completely and I have lost a lot because of my love for him. I feel that I don't want to place any burden's on him but I do not feel he's completely justified himself and I don't know if he can since it's regarding leagal issues. There is no promise of any future with him. He says after 6 years go by his life is his own again. So I said see ya in six years LOL....but that was it. He says he wants to be friends and he'll always love me but he hasn't picked up the phone or tried to reach out in any way. This hurts the most. When I confront him about not reaching out he says he just doesn't want me to get crazy I don't know if I should reach out to him and tell him what's going on with me? I want to be supportive but I feel like things are probably ok for him and he's just over reacting
In my case, E is very logical and has always acted solely upon his logic - until the divorce. He has overwhelming emotions that he can't always identify - exactly what they are or why he is having them - but they do tend to fall in the fear and paranoia category. He has found himself forced to give them credence in spite of the fact that at times they don't make sense. If he doesn't, then they intensify.

Most people are not as prone to the self-analysis that E is, and do not have a huge resource of analytical logic to combat emotions that don't make sense. And while E isn't always capable of changing his emotions, he does recognize that they don't always make sense and has been able to share that with me. (Sometimes talking with E is akin to computer running a self-diagnostic. LOL!)

In general most don't wonder why the emotions exist, nor ever question not doing what they dictate. B may simply be subject to overwhelming fear and not able to give you a logical reason for it.

While I understand that B's behavior seems purposeful to you, I highly doubt that it is. It sounds like his behavior is based on overwhelming fear. For your own sanity, I suggest you give him as much of the benefit of the doubt as you possibly can. It is impossible to think clearly and move forward when focused on the premise that you are being persecuted in some way.
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  #16  
Old 11-11-2013, 07:58 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It is ok to feel afraid.
GalaGirl, you're very cool and a real model of empathy and compassion. I'm in awe (and I mean that!).
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  #17  
Old 11-12-2013, 11:38 PM
GoldCoCouple GoldCoCouple is offline
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First of all, swinging REQUIRES a very strong, open, trusting relationship. It doesn't sound like either of you should have been swinging.

Second, look up NRE (new relationship energy)...could this have been what you and/or B was feeling?

Now, I've been thru something very similar: After being married for years (and realizing that it was a mistake after the second but she was pregnant...), my HS girlfriend...my soulmate came back into my life. I couldn't leave until my child was old enough so we both waited to get back together. When we finally were moving in that direction and I was ready to leave for her, she became 'scared' (her word) and rushed into another relationship (she didn't want to be alone and felt like we would never be together even though, by now, we could if she wanted it). I went through the divorce and lost most everything (no regrets) thinking she would come back. We talked all of the time, but due to distance couldn't actually see each other...about everything including her messed up relationship and the day we would be together, but that never came. I finally walked away and cut off all contact with her when she was willing to be a doormat for the on-again-off-again relationship she tried to maintain (although she hasn't even tried to contact me after I quit talking with her). I was willing to give up everything for her, and in many ways I did. It was she who told me that we were always soulmates and that she never stopped thinking about me, even during the time we were apart (15 years ish). I still think about her way more than I want to and wish I could stop it.

Still, I found another woman who loves me how I am and we have created a very strong, open, trusting relationship. Things have never been better and are better than I ever thought they could be. We talk about everything with total trust. Long story short: I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love...and because of that I also care very deeply for our (originally her) girlfriend...and her girlfriends husband.

Point is I was afraid to leave my marriage because I didn't want to be alone. I 'gave up' everything for someone who didn't feel she was worthy of having anyone sacrifice anything for her. I was afraid I had lost everything but I moved on. Things got better, WAY better. Just because things don't work out how you want them to doesn't make life less than what you wanted. Sometimes, things can be better than you ever imagined them to be.

I still want to call her and ask her why my soulmate left me.

I won't.
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  #18  
Old 08-24-2014, 09:23 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Default update - a year later. now what?

Well it's almost a year later many people suggested I leave my husband and let "B" know where I stand. And if things for "B" changed and he had mutual feelings he would one day return. Well I did that only "B" saw it as me being passive aggressive and wouldn't return my emails or texts for a very long time. He also felt guilty and thought he was to blame for me leaving my husband since I told him I was so in love with him that I just couldn't be with anyone else not even my husband and i needed space.

After many attempts to get him to respond to me he finally told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I straightened things out with my husband and children. I didn't know what he meant but he told me not to reply back until I did so. 2 months later I told him there is no fixing anything and he ignored me until I bugged him enough where I told him if he wants I will delete his contact info if he didn't want to talk to me again otherwise I'd keep bothering him. he replied a few choice words that weren't so nice telling me to delete his contact info, but he still loved me and if I need him in an emergency he'd be there for me.

Well I got myself in a bit of a jam a few months later and he was there for me. We finally talked and it felt amazing. We talked for like 6 hours on the phone. We talked about all kinds of things. He even asked me to help raise money for a sick friend I told him I would if he sent info to me. But then we finally started talking about us. ....and I could hear how torn he was. He kept saying he missed and still loved me. He never wanted to stop talking to me but he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without feeling guilt he broke up my family. I told him it wasn't like that. ... it was more about my feelings for him and if the feelings were mutual than I would be available to him without any thing or anyone standing in the way. But he also sees that as manipulation and doesn't understand my pain. In the end he says maybe in 2 or 3 years if he's not with anyone maybe we can resume things but that's a long time to wait for someone. I really feel he's the love of my life and soul mate. But it's very lonely and my husband and I still hang out and are on friendly terms. How can I divorce someone who's always been there for me for someone who isn't there with an uncertain promise? I've tried dating and absolutely hate it! So am I just supposed to take a chance and divorce someone I've been with for 22yrs?

I really don't know what to do?

I'm not even sure my conversation with "B" that night ever had full resolution. I felt he was struggling with not wanting to talk to me, but wanted to. The next day I texted him and told him I wouldn't carry on. If he wanted to talk to me he knows where I am.

But he left the whole fundraiser thing up in the air and I really would love to do something like that for him plus I want to keep some dialogue without the pressure of discussing our relationship. I just want to be there for him and show him how much he means to me. Idk should I contact him again after I said I wouldn't? He probably forgot about asking for my help since he was drinking but I'm not sure how he'd react...... I don't want to be ignored.

Obviously, I'm not blaming anyone for leaving my husband but after my last post I gave many of the comments about leaving my husband careful consideration and thought they we're right. Now I'm in this position and need to know what to do from here.
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  #19  
Old 08-24-2014, 09:54 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Would it be possible for you to divorce your husband and be *alone* for a while, instead of dating or being with B or anyone else?

I've just read this entire thread. To me, it seems some time to sort out who *you* are as an individual might benefit you. You've been with your husband since 10th grade. That's a very long time, and your identity has become entangled with his.

You don't have to be with someone else. You don't have to move from a marriage into dating or another relationship. You can learn to be with *yourself* first, and that will benefit you in future relationships, romantic or otherwise.

You've said several times in this thread that B is your "soul mate", but that is your identification of him. And you seem to be putting a huge amount of stock in that, to the point that you are seeing no other options if he isn't willing to actually *be* that soul mate.

B, your husband, other men.... It isn't their job to validate you or give you something to do or someone to be. You need to do that for yourself.

If you divorce someone after 22 years, you learn to be an individual again. Learn to love YOURSELF. Learn to be your own support and friend.

Then find another. When you're ready, not because you feel like you have to.
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Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #20  
Old 08-24-2014, 10:58 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Divorce just seems so final idk? I have been fairly independent and that's what is bugging me. Even when I'm really busy or seeing someone who I have good chemistry wIth and enjoy my time with them ...... it seems to come out of the blue and I find myself in tears thinking about "B". Trust me I don't sit around and dwell. I have a new life living by myself working close to my apartment, doing side work and focusing on my health.

I really don't want to be with anyone but I do have responsibilities with my kids that involve my husband and still haven't found the need to tell the kids anything about divorce.

I'm just hurt cause I really felt it was mutual with "B" and the fact that he doesn't understand or doesn't want to try to work it out hurts more. i can understand his concerns but always thought if we could just talk and see each other everything would work out.

Anyway I don't give up so easily so I suspect I will probably try to reach out to him about this fundraiser to try to keep a dialogue with him lol
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