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  #21  
Old 11-12-2013, 06:30 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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If you potentially have decades of life left, I'm not sure why you feel it's too late for you? It might be harder to find a relationship but I'd doubt if it's impossible. How old are you?

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Originally Posted by Shipwrecked View Post
I suppose I could fill up my remaining decades with reading books, watching television, organizing my photographs, taking care of my pets, and doing all the other things people do for solace when there aren't any other people in their lives, but those decades will go pretty slowly, and I expect my single most common activity will be mentally rehashing the mistakes which consigned me to this permanent state of partnerless isolation, and wishing I'd lived my life differently.
This is weird to me. I just don't get that way of thinking at all.

Being free from romantic relationships doesn't mean having no other people in your life. Not at all. It means finding your support network, love and sources of intimacy elsewhere. Building friendships, finding groups to be part of, people and things to be interested in and excited by.

It's possible that you've let some of those skills and ways of looking at the world slip in your adult life of seeking romance. Maybe rather than spending your time in a state of regret, you could seek those ways of looking at the world again?

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  #22  
Old 11-12-2013, 09:09 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Shipwrecked, I am sorry you are lonely. In my personal experience, as a woman who split from her (30 year) mono marriage at age 54, and started dating soon after (using ok cupid) I found myself to be much in demand, which came as a big shock!

I was rather swarmed by men of all ages. I am bi though and ended up falling in love 3 months after my marriage broke up, with a woman who I am still partnered with almost 5 years later. I dated maybe 30 guys in 2009-2012, they kind of came in waves. It took a while, but I found a guy who hit most of my buttons in early 2012. He is married, 61, has always been poly. He had 3 gfs in the 5-7 years before we met, all in their 30s. This year he's been on dates with a couple poly women he met on okc, one in her 30s, the other in her 50s.

I am now 58 and I applaud you for even going to Burning Man. I am getting a bit old for extremely hot summertime music fests myself. I really can't imagine approaching random strangers at a fest like that to, as the kids say, hook up. For friends, sure. But not with sex on my mind. I rarely fuck on a first date anyway. That seems like odd advice, to collect rejections.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
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  #23  
Old 11-12-2013, 10:35 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It sounds like you've had a rough ride and for that you have my empathy. But I disagree that monogamy would have prevented all, or any, or the problems you've encountered.

The strongest evidence against your claim is all the poly folk you dated who became primaries with others. Yes, for you it's sad that you were not chosen as the primary. But each and every one of them represents a counterexample to the claim that polyamory makes you lonely when you're old.

From your nickname to your tone to your focus on the negative aspects, your pessimism rings out loudly. It's easy to pick out one particular aspect of your life and blame that for the reason you're not happy. But that's avoidance. The reality is, pessimists don't make the best life partners.

Happiness begets happiness. Sadness begets sadness. The fastest way to find love is to love yourself. It's cliche for a reason.

I do however, fully agree with #6: hunting for partners makes you blind to what's right in front of you. Any time in my life that I've been actively looking for love, all I found was duds. Maybe we'd have fun for a bit, but nothing substantial. Eventually, I swore off dating entirely and decided to focus on having a happy and positive life with my friends and family. Within a couple months, true love fell into my lap. Blindsided is more like it.

Had you been mono and single at Burning Man, you would have wasted it just the same. Sure, because you're poly, you can spend Burning Man trying to get laid. But "can" is not "must." You could just as easily have vowed celibacy for the week and spent your time becoming enlightened. You make your own choices.

The biggest problem I see with your attitude towards dating is the very notion of seeking. When a person searches for romance to fill the void and make them happy, that emptiness glows like a lighthouse that beams "Stay away!" People are naturally drawn to those who are happy, healthy, and whole. Focus on those three aspects of yourself, and then romance becomes irrelevant. Coincidentally, focus on those for their own sake, and love tends to find you without any effort wasted on searching.
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  #24  
Old 11-12-2013, 05:32 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I think maybe you are having a bit of a confidence problem at the moment.

(((hugs)))
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  #25  
Old 11-12-2013, 07:00 PM
Shipwrecked Shipwrecked is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
The strongest evidence against your claim is all the poly folk you dated who became primaries with others.
I don't mean to be difficult, but I'm just not following this. Poly folks are already only a very small percentage of the population, at any age. But that percentage gets smaller as they age, since it's reasonable to assume more people transfer from polyamory to monogamy than from monogamy to polyamory. This phenomenon then gets compounded by the fact that the more people you have already dated in the poly pool, the smaller that pool is from your perspective.

From there, the longer you stay in polyamory the less of a chance you have to successfully date people who have never been poly but are somehow currently still single, due to how repugnant most of the never-been-poly population finds polyamory. Of course you can lie and recharacterize your earlier relationships as serial monogamy rather than polyamory, but that's only possible if you so completely purge your social life that you're no longer even acquaintances with someone who knew you when you were polyamorous, and it also means systematically purging all of your old mementos and emails from what was probably a substantial portion of your life. Plus, obviously, it's lying, which is probably never ideal even when it's done to level the playing field against a prejudice.

So, as you age in the poly community, you get both decreased odds AND increased lock-in. Not a good combination

FWIW the last person I dated broke up with me (by text message no less) after realizing she couldn't be with someone who USED to be polyamorous. This, despite the fact that I'd assured her from our earliest conversations that I was no longer polyamorous and furthermore now deeply regretted my past participation in polyamory.

I wish I could find a source for the feeling of limitless freedom many of you have described as flowing from polyamory, because now all I can feel, in addition to feeling lonely, is feeling trapped.
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  #26  
Old 11-12-2013, 08:00 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shipwrecked View Post
poly but are somehow currently still single, due to how repugnant most of the never-been-poly population finds polyamory.
I am not certain I understand this, why would you need to talk about the nature of your past relationships unless you bring it up?

It has been a while since I 'dated' but is that an appropriate question to ask people nowadays because I have to say, I am not comfortable with that. I don't ask people about their previous history (beyond whether they are married,single, poly or what not) and I don't expect that sort of question either.

I was absolutely horrified when my bff asked a new beau how many people he had slept with, I think it is terribly inappropriate to ask that.

Am I just......completely mad or is this normal?

Quote:
means systematically purging all of your old mementos and emails from what was probably a substantial portion of your life.
OMG??? Why? Are you allowing new partners access to your private email account.....wtf??? I am losing it.

Quote:
Plus, obviously, it's lying
It's nobody flaming business is what it is.....
Quote:


FWIW the last person I dated broke up with me (by text message no less) after realizing she couldn't be with someone who USED to be polyamorous.
Stop bringing it up, it is not necessary to tell people as some sort of penitent or own your past for pity's sake!

You know, it is beginning to sound like you are enjoying wallowing in misery.
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  #27  
Old 11-12-2013, 10:37 PM
Shipwrecked Shipwrecked is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
why would you need to talk about the nature of your past relationships unless you bring it up?
You need to either bring it up early on, or else EFFECTIVELY lie about it, precisely BECAUSE most people find polyamory so repugnant: failing to disclose and then getting found out would only mean a relationship-ending barrage of "WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME?!? I CAN NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN, AND I WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU IF I KNEW YOU WERE INTO THIS SHIT!!!! PACK UP YOUR CRAP AND GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!"

So the first choice is to be honest, which usually drives the person off but at least if they accept your reasons why polyamory no longer appeals to you then you don't have that particular Sword of Damocles hanging over you for the rest of your life. The second choice is to lie, but if you either lie about or fail to disclose something which impacts whether most people would want to be in a relationship with you in the first place, then you obviously need to be 100% sure you won't get caught, and yes I think it's reasonable for that to include purging old emails and anything else that proves you had a poly past.
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  #28  
Old 11-12-2013, 10:44 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Wow. I feel for you, if this is what you've been dealing with.

I know this doesn't help your situation any (since I'm not in your dating pool), but there ARE women who don't give a rat's ass about that. We do exist. I AM beginning to think we're pretty uncommon, however, given your circumstances.

Natja, I understand your bewilderment - I posed a similar question upthread. The idea of damning someone for past relationships (again, unless there's a crazy axe murderer after me for some reason) seems completely foreign to me.

But I'm also not editing my email history for anybody. Ick. Besides, anyone who'd be that jealous would get an eyeful of my FB activity anyway, and the shit would hit the fan LONG before email ever got mentioned. And I'm not even Poly! Just a geek who got a Comp Sci degree and happens to have more male friends than female ones.
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Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #29  
Old 11-12-2013, 10:46 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I'm sorry but you must know some messed up people. I don't see the point of either. I guess this might be some sort of cultural dissonance since I can't imagine such a response from anyone.

And again what would the emails have to do with it unless you are in the habit of letting other people view your emails.

Maybe the people you associate with might find it repugnant but it really is far too strong a term to use as a generalisation, most people I know couldn't care less, they might not want to do it themselves but they are unlikely to judge anyone else for it. I know, they are people I know so they must be weird right? Well yeah, but why would I want to have a relationship with someone I couldn't be friends with? That just seems....bonkers?
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  #30  
Old 11-12-2013, 11:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I know a lot of people who started out mono but began practicing polyamory later in life, in their 30s, 40s and (me) 50s. Unless you're young and childless or older and child-free, doing poly is very hard. Little kids complicate things, and some people don't want to have their teenagers deal with Mommy or Daddy #2. But once those kids hit college, older but still vital people have a LOT more freedom! Yay, empty nest!

Have you tried OK Cupid?

OTOH, if you're just a depressive pessimistic guy... that could hurt your attraction to others.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32

Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-12-2013 at 11:43 PM.
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