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Old 11-11-2013, 05:58 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default NRE brings fun to the existing relationship?

Hello all. I've read here about something I don't quite get and would like your perspective, which might help me develop a new perspective. I understand that when one partner gets involved in a new relationship, or meets someone exciting to them, that partner gets energized. Okay, makes sense. And yay it's super fun for them. And often I can get excited for them.

I've read that that it can bring new sexual energy to the existing relationship and the existing partner enjoys that new energy. Logically I get that we each bring the energy of our experience to our interactions. After big day at work I'm sure I bring that energy home, whether its stress or triumphant, even when I try to shake it.

I get it on some level but it creeps me out. I don't want that outside energy smeared on me. It's like having a drunk make a pass at me - yuck. For me it's yuck its because its not about me but about the substance they ingested (unless of course we are both drunk then it would be a party). The more aggressive advances my partner makes at me after a hot flirtation are really distasteful to me, because it feels like he brought a 3rd party into our bedroom and I've become an object. In BDSM objectification can be fun but for some reason it's not in this case. If you enjoy that added sexual energy would you tell me about that please?

Full disclosure: I am very mono leaning. While I have enjoyed fun threesomes in the past, right now my overall sexual interest has declined about 85% from a fairly high state. I'm hoping that this sharp decline in libido is transient and only due to menopause.
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Old 11-11-2013, 06:04 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Are you speaking from the perspective of the primary partner who is benefitting from the NRE of the secondary relationship?

Speaking from the perspective of the secondary, I'm in full agreement that this statement always creeps me out, because it makes me feel like a marital aid. It makes me feel very objectified, as if I'm not a human being in my own right, but merely a fun hobby that breathes energy into him and benefits them.
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Old 11-11-2013, 06:43 PM
london london is offline
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Well, my NEW involves me feeling super lovey dovey towards any existing partners. I feel like "yay, I have one or more great partners and they are so awesome to be enthusiastic about me having other relationships that I met another fabulous person who I'm amazingly excited about and I love them all!" So it isn't a case of the newcomer spicing things up between me and existing partners or me sort of being horny for my new person and "making do" with the old one. I'm genuinely more into everyone because they've allowed me the freedom to have them all in my life.
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Old 11-11-2013, 08:25 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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@WH Right now I'm the live-in partner and energy I'm talking about is the energy that is brought home, from outside the initial relationship. I feel like the object of someone else's turn on. I'm very social but very selective of what I bring "home" so the idea of this random person in my private life hasn't been yummy. I have also been the live away love "secondary" and I did feel like a marital aid. Some from the sexual perspective but more that because I was there they were able to limp along in what appeared to be an intolerable state for longer than they might have otherwise.

@London, thank you for totally different view of the the experience. I didn't realize it, but I guess i did kind of feel like he was making due with me at some level. I have been the new person, the subject of fiery NRE and I know how it goes, and I guess I assume they have that same experience (no way could ask, I couldn't handle the answer). I understand that yay everything is great feeling -- he gets like that about fun things to build, machinery, ideas, cute girls, that's him! He does get (even more) affectionate when he is excited about something, I guess I attributed it to "left overs" from his other relationship rather than general excitement about the fullness of life. Interesting.
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A: His new girl, under consideration
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Old 11-11-2013, 08:40 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HisPet View Post
I have also been the live away love "secondary" and I did feel like a marital aid. Some from the sexual perspective but more that because I was there they were able to limp along in what appeared to be an intolerable state for longer than they might have otherwise.
Interesting comment. I've spent two years listening to BF tell me what a great marriage he has, and yet, given all the other things he says when not speaking directly of his marriage or wife, I've begun to suspect he doth protest too much. He's clearly getting a great deal out of his relationship with me that he wants, and craves, and doesn't get from her. I'm talking emotionally, spiritually. And I have, in fact, begun to feel that by satisfying those things, I'm propping up his marriage, making it viable for him to continue the 'happy marriage' at my own expense, because as long as I stay, I'm also guaranteeing I continue to fend for myself.
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Old 11-11-2013, 10:55 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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@WH this idea of a relationship being propped up - meaning that it stays upright when without the prop it would surely fall - is one of my poly fears. My partner has shown that he can stay in a relationship for years without doing the work to make it vibrant and heath, or without leaving if that is not possible. I love that he is loyal and very tolerant. But I dislike his tendency to be in denial and just kind of go along. And adding a partner just makes that more possible.

Anyway, that is the fear. The reality is that for me to tolerate poly I've been forced to be more honest than I am comfortable and that has been good for both of us.
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A: His new girl, under consideration
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:11 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Different perspectives

Well, from your perspective, yeah, definitely creepy. If my partner were to treat NRE in that way, I'd be pretty annoyed.

But NRE is completely different than that. It's taking joy in your partner's happiness....and a new partner for him/her brings a whole new kind of happiness.

It just so happens that when you're happy, that tends to rub off in the bedroom as well. Depressed people don't typically enjoy physical intimacy.
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:13 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Isn't NRE what the outside world calls infatuation?

Isn't taking joy in your spouse's happiness what is called compersion here?
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Old 11-12-2013, 08:32 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I think that for me, having a wonderful new person highlights how wonderful my established relationships are. I know that if my relationships were not solid, loving, supportive, and trusting, I wouldn't have the freedom to make new connections with others. The outpouring of love and desire for the "old" love/s isn't misplaced sexual energy, it's a gush of appreciation for the rocks in my life.

Plus, I get weirded out at the idea of what other people see as sexual spillover, or sexual energy that "belongs" to someone else. If Fly is all frisky because he got a promotion, is that sexual energy directed at his boss? I think I would be offended if someone I love doubted the sincerity of my desire, or took it upon themselves to divvy up *my* sexual energy and assume what I'm sharing with them was meant for someone else. I have sex with people I love because I love them, not because I have a horny itch to scratch.

When Fly is having a great time having good sex with someone else, and he comes home and is affectionate and physically interested in me, I enjoy it. I know he's happy, feels good, appreciates that he and I have built a foundation that gives him the freedom he didn't have in other relationships. It's less that we're bringing other people into our bedroom, and more like we're reconnecting the energy between the two of us.

With Moonlight, it's a little different because she's pretty mono, so it's more of a one-way street. But she recognizes that when I'm happy in general with my life and partners, that I'm more likely to want to be sexually intimate than if there's conflict. She doesn't have any issues with spillover - she knows that I love her and that when we have sex it's because I want to be with her.

Sorry, this all got more rambly and stream-of-consciousness than I intended.
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #10  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:36 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Isn't NRE what the outside world calls infatuation?

Isn't taking joy in your spouse's happiness what is called compersion here?
Yes.
In the first case, NRE is also what some call chemical love. It's the chemical dump that your body has when it identifies another human it wants to procreate with.
NOT that we THINK we want to procreate. Because we often don't choose to.
But that's the origin of it.
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