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  #531  
Old 11-11-2013, 06:43 PM
london london is offline
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Well, my NEW involves me feeling super lovey dovey towards any existing partners. I feel like "yay, I have one or more great partners and they are so awesome to be enthusiastic about me having other relationships that I met another fabulous person who I'm amazingly excited about and I love them all!" So it isn't a case of the newcomer spicing things up between me and existing partners or me sort of being horny for my new person and "making do" with the old one. I'm genuinely more into everyone because they've allowed me the freedom to have them all in my life.
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  #532  
Old 11-11-2013, 08:25 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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@WH Right now I'm the live-in partner and energy I'm talking about is the energy that is brought home, from outside the initial relationship. I feel like the object of someone else's turn on. I'm very social but very selective of what I bring "home" so the idea of this random person in my private life hasn't been yummy. I have also been the live away love "secondary" and I did feel like a marital aid. Some from the sexual perspective but more that because I was there they were able to limp along in what appeared to be an intolerable state for longer than they might have otherwise.

@London, thank you for totally different view of the the experience. I didn't realize it, but I guess i did kind of feel like he was making due with me at some level. I have been the new person, the subject of fiery NRE and I know how it goes, and I guess I assume they have that same experience (no way could ask, I couldn't handle the answer). I understand that yay everything is great feeling -- he gets like that about fun things to build, machinery, ideas, cute girls, that's him! He does get (even more) affectionate when he is excited about something, I guess I attributed it to "left overs" from his other relationship rather than general excitement about the fullness of life. Interesting.
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  #533  
Old 11-11-2013, 08:40 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HisPet View Post
I have also been the live away love "secondary" and I did feel like a marital aid. Some from the sexual perspective but more that because I was there they were able to limp along in what appeared to be an intolerable state for longer than they might have otherwise.
Interesting comment. I've spent two years listening to BF tell me what a great marriage he has, and yet, given all the other things he says when not speaking directly of his marriage or wife, I've begun to suspect he doth protest too much. He's clearly getting a great deal out of his relationship with me that he wants, and craves, and doesn't get from her. I'm talking emotionally, spiritually. And I have, in fact, begun to feel that by satisfying those things, I'm propping up his marriage, making it viable for him to continue the 'happy marriage' at my own expense, because as long as I stay, I'm also guaranteeing I continue to fend for myself.
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  #534  
Old 11-11-2013, 10:55 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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@WH this idea of a relationship being propped up - meaning that it stays upright when without the prop it would surely fall - is one of my poly fears. My partner has shown that he can stay in a relationship for years without doing the work to make it vibrant and heath, or without leaving if that is not possible. I love that he is loyal and very tolerant. But I dislike his tendency to be in denial and just kind of go along. And adding a partner just makes that more possible.

Anyway, that is the fear. The reality is that for me to tolerate poly I've been forced to be more honest than I am comfortable and that has been good for both of us.
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  #535  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:11 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Different perspectives

Well, from your perspective, yeah, definitely creepy. If my partner were to treat NRE in that way, I'd be pretty annoyed.

But NRE is completely different than that. It's taking joy in your partner's happiness....and a new partner for him/her brings a whole new kind of happiness.

It just so happens that when you're happy, that tends to rub off in the bedroom as well. Depressed people don't typically enjoy physical intimacy.
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  #536  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:13 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Isn't NRE what the outside world calls infatuation?

Isn't taking joy in your spouse's happiness what is called compersion here?
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  #537  
Old 11-12-2013, 08:32 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I think that for me, having a wonderful new person highlights how wonderful my established relationships are. I know that if my relationships were not solid, loving, supportive, and trusting, I wouldn't have the freedom to make new connections with others. The outpouring of love and desire for the "old" love/s isn't misplaced sexual energy, it's a gush of appreciation for the rocks in my life.

Plus, I get weirded out at the idea of what other people see as sexual spillover, or sexual energy that "belongs" to someone else. If Fly is all frisky because he got a promotion, is that sexual energy directed at his boss? I think I would be offended if someone I love doubted the sincerity of my desire, or took it upon themselves to divvy up *my* sexual energy and assume what I'm sharing with them was meant for someone else. I have sex with people I love because I love them, not because I have a horny itch to scratch.

When Fly is having a great time having good sex with someone else, and he comes home and is affectionate and physically interested in me, I enjoy it. I know he's happy, feels good, appreciates that he and I have built a foundation that gives him the freedom he didn't have in other relationships. It's less that we're bringing other people into our bedroom, and more like we're reconnecting the energy between the two of us.

With Moonlight, it's a little different because she's pretty mono, so it's more of a one-way street. But she recognizes that when I'm happy in general with my life and partners, that I'm more likely to want to be sexually intimate than if there's conflict. She doesn't have any issues with spillover - she knows that I love her and that when we have sex it's because I want to be with her.

Sorry, this all got more rambly and stream-of-consciousness than I intended.
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  #538  
Old 11-13-2013, 01:36 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Isn't NRE what the outside world calls infatuation?

Isn't taking joy in your spouse's happiness what is called compersion here?
Yes.
In the first case, NRE is also what some call chemical love. It's the chemical dump that your body has when it identifies another human it wants to procreate with.
NOT that we THINK we want to procreate. Because we often don't choose to.
But that's the origin of it.
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  #539  
Old 11-13-2013, 11:31 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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My husband loves it when I get "high" and "drunk" on NRE . He has no problem with me flirting with my boyfriend, or even having sex with my boyfriend, before flirting or having sex with him. He just said that when my bf comes here, he prefers that I take a good shower inbetween, which I totally agree with, that is just hygine. If I am smitten or horny he is happy for me as well as happy for himself; he feels a lot of compersion. I also too feel that the NRE "rubs off" on my husband, so that my LRE with his gets recharged. His only real concern is time, that I should spend my time as to get quality time with him as well, which is also important to me
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  #540  
Old 11-15-2013, 10:41 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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I can see how NRE is creepy from both sides; for the secondary you would feel used, for the primary you would feel fake.

I'm a primary and my wife is flush with excitement around D, even though D has turned her down, and I have started playing Go with D.

That might in fact turn out to be a bad idea if it breaks my wife's heart because D and I would be best friends and she just has to suffer through being close, but no more, and watching all of that NRE evaporate as time passes. Rather, there isn't even real NRE at this point, just the promise of, the excitement, and the possibility of it just because they get to hang out when D and I are together.

She is seeing someone new, R2, that has been courting her through OKC. I'm not sure how that will turn out since her first date with him was yesterday and she hasn't talked about it yet.

In any case, I'm trying to defend the NRE, because I can tell you that just watching her with D brought back a rush of memories; how she would look at me and talk breathlessly when we were first dating, and reminded me how much I loved and still love her.

She has since turned her loving gaze on me in the same way, and I was filled with joy.
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